Where I Stood
by thecon12
Summary: The regrets you make always come back to haunt you... Naomi lets Emily walk out of her life at the end of college and is consumed by regret until their lives collide again 7 years later, but stuggles to deal with the changes it brings for both of them.
1. Chapter 1

'_I don't know what I've done  
Or if I like what I've begun  
But something told me to run  
And honey, you know me  
It's all, or none  
There were sounds in my head  
A little voice is whispering  
That I should go, and this should end  
Oh and I found myself listening'_

"Where I Stood" - Missy Higgins

-----

**Chapter One:** What I Wanted To Say //_I should have done something. Again I did nothing. Watched us separate_.\\

-----

"I love you, too..."

Naomi's not really sure where those words come from, or how they even managed to sneak their way up her throat and out between her lips; love isn't a feeling she's used to contemplating at all.

It startles her so much—hearing her own voice coming out so quiet and unsure—that she retreats back into silence immediately; leaves this foreign emotion hanging over them like a dark cloud just waiting to burst.

She can't bear to look at Emily, doesn't actually have to look to know that she's probably got a ridiculously sappy grin on her face, but still hears her alarmingly confident reply of "I know" seconds later.

It stops her heart dead and makes it quicken unnaturally all at the same time; wave after wave of panic and fear beginning to sink deep into her skin.

Her head begins to throb as they walk hand-in-hand away from the Love Ball and towards her house, with one thought alone looping repeatedly through the thick fog in her mind - _How could Emily possibly have known? - _when it's all come as such a terrifying shock to her?

Naomi holds her breath when Emily tightens her hold on her hand; tilts her head back to look up at the midnight sky and inevitably waits for the rain to fall down around them.

-----

Emily barely waits until the bedroom door is shut before reaching out to trace her fingers over the stark red hand-print on Naomi's cheek. She brushes the back of her knuckles over Naomi's soft skin before carefully running the pad of her thumb over her rosy bottom lip.

She smiles beautifully as her eyes lift up to meet blue ones, says, "God, I love you _so fucking much_, Naomi."

Naomi's pretty sure it's not supposed to feel this way - like something is crushing her chest, squeezing all of the air out of her lungs and leaving her with no escape - but the feeling's enough to make her turn away from Emily's unrelenting gaze and bite down hard on the inside of her cheek to keep herself from crying.

This wasn't meant to happen, _none_ of it was.

Emily pushes herself up onto her toes, presses several fleeting kisses along Naomi's jaw, stopping at the space just below her ear to whisper "It's okay" before cupping her face and bringing their lips together for a proper kiss, slow and deep.

It makes Naomi's breath catch (_too much, it's all too much_), makes her choke out a sob, only to be shushed by Emily's mouth and Emily's touch, by small delicate hands gently stripping her from her clothing and guiding her to the bed.

She keeps her eyes tightly closed as Emily hovers above her, eager kisses and loving caresses are doled out willingly to every inch of her skin until she can no longer stop herself coming undone at Emily's command.

She tries to push the fear to the back of her mind as her own hand slips between Emily's thighs. Her teeth sink down, biting into the sweet, delicate skin of Emily's neck - _its proof_, Naomi thinks, as Emily moans out her name, _proof that this means just as much to me as it does to Emily_.

Only later, as she watches Emily curl up against her side, content smile plastered across her lips as she sleeps, does Naomi let her eyes take in the sight of the angry dark-red mark; wonders _who_ exactly she's really trying to prove it too.

She doesn't want to think about it.

_Can't_.

Closes her eyes and falls into a restless sleep.

-----

She wakes from sleep gradually, feels Emily's fingertips trace a faint pathway up and down her arm long before she forces her eyes open.

Gentle brown eyes and a small, slightly hesitant smile greet her when her vision finally focuses. "Hey."

Naomi's not sure whether or not she should be pleased that whatever confidence Emily seemed to have had the previous night has dwindled slightly, leaving her with the familiar uncertain girl she's gotten to know.

"Morning." Her voice comes out a little shaky, but she hopes Emily will merely think it hoarse and unused due to sleep and not because waking up with someone - _with Emily_ - terrifies her completely.

She tries not to flinch when Emily's hand slides up her arm, across her shoulder and settles against her neck, her thumb brushing back and forth against the bed-warm skin. She watches as Emily shifts in a little closer and nuzzles the tips of their noses together.

"You're okay, right?" Emily asks cautiously, tilting her head back to find blue eyes. "With everything now, I mean? I know it's a lot but..." Naomi can only nod her head once as Emily trails off, seems to stumble back into her own jungle of insecurity before continuing in an almost whisper, "You said you _loved_ me, Naomi."

It's the look of absolute need and hope on Emily's innocent face that makes her swallow down the lump lodged in her throat and search for her voice. "I did," she responds, adding in a smile for good measure; only relaxes when Emily grins back.

Emily closes the space between them, kisses her softly; her eyes pleading when she presses, "Say it again, please."

Naomi knows it's probably foolish, the way that she's suppressing the screaming inside of her head telling her _not_ to repeat what was spoken without thought or consent, but she doesn't want to be the one to take away the look of complete and utter happiness on Emily's face as she waits to hear those three words fall from her lips.

She knows she's already been the cause of so much of Emily's unhappiness, has seen the way that Emily's face can fall and crumble in an instant just because of her far too many times this year alone; can't stand the thought of doing it to her again so soon.

Instead she does what she's asked; murmurs, "I love you, Ems." and watches for the first time the way that she can make Emily's face light up beautifully without really having to try.

Naomi's well aware that she's let herself get caught up, and lost, in this momentary madness that perhaps this can all be some kind of romantic fairytale with the perfect ending, knows that she's given in and allowed Emily take from her whatever she wants and now can't possibly ask for it back. She just hopes that she'll be able find and share that unrelenting belief Emily has in this - _them_ - soon before it's too late.

-----

She's doesn't remember much of their summer, sees it in flashes whenever she tries to recall it:

Her mum: annoyingly ecstatic about their relationship.

Emily: forcing a hideous truce between her and Katie.

Sneaking Emily out from under the watchful eye of her mother to spend just a few moments together.

Long, hot days by the lake - or _their_ lake, as Emily likes to remind her every time they go - whenever they manage to get a few hours to themselves.

Making love and spending hours lounging in her bed; talking endlessly as they aimlessly touch bare skin.

-----

The one thing that Naomi never has trouble recalling and can always distinctly remember about their summer:

Having to constantly crush that burning sensation that fuels her legs with the urge to break away and run without ever looking back.

-----

For the first time in years, the thought of returning to school - college, now that they're older - unsettles her completely, leaves her with that sickening feeling of butterflies in her stomach. It only makes Naomi feel worse, when she opens her front door to see Emily waiting for her at the end of the driveway, all bright-eyed and cheerful.

Naomi flashes a quick smile before turning and locking the front door. She uses those few seconds to steady her nerves, breathes in and out deeply as she slips back into the role she's become accustomed to playing over the summer. Only then does she close the distance between them and let Emily entwine their fingers as they begin to walk.

Emily chatters away as they begin their journey but Naomi feels like she barely hears a word of it; is far too busy listening to the way her blood pounds heavily in her ears with each step nearer to the college that they get--each slap of their feet against the ground sounding horribly like she's being marched off towards a death sentence.

It starts as soon as they reach the entrance to the college. Her skin prickles out of nowhere as Emily uses her free hand to point out their group of friends - friends that they haven't seen since before everything changed, before she and Emily became _Naomi and Emily_ – and then feels herself getting dragged in their direction before she can even think to stop it.

The prickling only intensifies as they make their way to the group, makes a chilling shiver jolt up her spine as Emily greets everyone in her usual cheery manner. She nods her head in a way of hello, and quickly drops her eyes to the floor, can't stand the way that they all immediately look down at their joined hands.

"Naomikins, I heard that you were into tits and muff now," Cook's voice booms. It seems louder than Naomi remembers as she shifts her gaze up to meet his; watches as he exhales a train of smoke into the air before grinning at her smugly. "Finally have an explanation as to why you wouldn't willy-waggle with the Cookie monster."

Usually Naomi feels like she can take Cook's teasing, but it feels different now; she can't defend herself from something that's supposed to be true. Her mouth is suddenly, unnaturally dry and no sarcastic remarks will come to her.

It makes her think of _drowning_.

"Don't be a cunt, Cook," Effy's voice comes out bored as always. "Not everyone wants to fuck you."

She barely catches the small smile that Effy throws in her direction before Cook breaks out into his ludicrous laugh. "Fucking funny babe, but not true," he says, swaggering towards her, arms held out, "Everyone wants a piece of Cook... including you."

Freddie is swift to drape his arm around Effy's shoulders; glares in Cook's direction warningly, "Leave it alone, mate."

"Fucking shit this. All this relationships, and love bollocks..." Cook turns his attention back at her and Emily. "Even the lesbian duo here aren't providing me with a good show," he continues, waggling his eyebrows sleazily. "Fancy giving the Cookie monster a private viewing later?"

It erupts out of nowhere, the way that Naomi's skin feels like its burst into flames, physically scalding her and leaving behind ugly red raw marks. Her chest feels tight, so tight, that her ears are ringing painfully loud; she's sweltering under the pressure.

It's that awful, heated realisation that for the first time ever she actually _cares _what they all think about her.

Naomi doesn't think about what happens next, it comes to her like a reflex, the way that she pulls her hand away from Emily's grasp rather abruptly; shaking her head and trying to catch her breath as she takes a few steps back.

She feels it more than she sees it, the way that they're all looking at her-- _in judgment_, she notes, feeling sick.

It only takes a split second for her to realise that she's _suffocating_.

"Naomi..." Emily's voice is laced with concern as her brown eyes connect with blue.

She sees Emily take a step to reach for her and shakes her head violently. "Don't, I'm fine... I just have to go. I'll catch up with you later."

She closes her eyes as she turns away from them and hurriedly makes her retreat into the college; finally feeling safe and able to breathe.

Naomi tries her hardest to ignore the blatant hurt she saw flash across Emily's face; hates how it's etched painfully into her memory for the rest of the day.

-----

Emily goes straight home after college without seeking her out to say goodbye.

_It's the first sign of the storm_, Naomi realises, the one that she's been expecting to see all summer_._

-----

Naomi doesn't know how to put it into words, that something about them isn't right.

Doesn't think Emily would hear her even if she could communicate her worries.

In the end, she chooses not to say anything at all.

-----

The storm only worsens as the year continues.

-----

"I don't see why you need me to be there Emily; it'll only make things worse."

Emily paces back and forth in front of her bed, throws her hands up into the air and scoffs, turns to Naomi with anger in her eyes. "You don't see _why_ I need you there? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Your mum _hates_ me, Em." Naomi calmly states, crushing her cigarette out in the ashtray resting on her nightstand. "She's already blamed me for you being gay once before, and told me to disappear if I remember correctly." She rolls her eyes, much to Emily's annoyance, before continuing, "You can't honestly think that me being there when you tell them about us is going to make things easier for her to deal with?"

Emily looks at her with a mixture of disappointment and disbelief. "And what about me, Naomi? What if I need you there to make things easier for _me_?"

It still comes as a shock to Naomi sometimes, to realise that by allowing them to actually happen, she's somehow become responsible for someone else's feelings. It's a job she's still not sure she's ready for.

"Trust me. It's for the best that I'm not there, Emily. I'd only go and say something to make it harder for them to accept." She ignores the way brown eyes glass over with unshed tears, looks down at her watch instead. "You should go. It's almost six."

Emily lets out a heavy sigh before scooping up her bag; stopping to look back at Naomi from the doorway, _"Together_--that's what us being in love is supposed to be all about," she watches as Emily shakes her head tiredly before letting out a breath of defeat. "I guess I'll call you tomorrow and let you know how they take it all."

Naomi closes her eyes as the door slams shut, let's herself fall back onto the bed and stares at the ceiling; hopes that eventually things will become easier for _her_.

-----

Lightning.

-----

Naomi takes a careful sip of her tea, mindful not to burn her lip; keeps her eyes trained on the newspaper she's reading even as Emily dramatically stirs another loud teaspoon of sugar into her own cup.

It's been tense between them for well over two weeks, and some part of her wants Emily to just say what it is that she's done to bother her so that she can stop feeling like she's constantly on the edge of a cliff just waiting to slip off.

Emily lets out a heavy breath and pushes back her chair; lets it make that awful screeching sound as she stands from the table, snatching Naomi's pack of cigarettes off the kitchen counter before slumping back down into her seat.

It's the click of the lighter that finally draws Naomi's eyes up from the newspaper to meet Emily's grumpy gaze. "What's up, Ems?"

Emily takes a drag of her cigarette and shrugs her shoulders as she exhales the smoke. "I don't know, why don't _you_ tell me?"

Naomi feels irritation flash within her; scowls in response. "Don't start, Emily; either tell me what's bothering you or let it go."

Emily stubs her cigarette out with force, purses her lips together as she leans back in her chair with her arms crossed over her chest. "Were you ever going to tell me that you've already sent off your applications for university?"

Naomi lets out a sigh. "Of course I was but, Em, everyone is sending their applications off. It's not like it's some kind of evil secret I'm keeping to myself."

It surprises her when Emily breaks out into a short, harsh laugh. "So why did I have to hear about it from Panda?"

Naomi doesn't know how to answer that, doesn't understand why she needs too; stays silent instead. Sees disappointment flash in brown eyes a second later when Emily continues, "You _still_ don't get it do you?"

Naomi raises her eyebrows. "Get what? I have absolutely no fucking idea what you're talking about here, Emily."

Emily's lips twist into a sad frown; waves her hand dismissively. "Just forget about it."

Naomi's not sure why it infuriates her when Emily seems to give up, knows that she's not the easiest person to talk to about anything really, but can't stand another moment of the heavy silences that has been lingering between them. "No, you want to talk, so talk. Tell me what I don't get?"

Emily stands unexpectedly, glares down at her. "That we're a fucking _couple,_ Naomi." Naomi attempts a response, but can't; it's still rather shocking for her to see Emily like this, exploding with rage. Makes her think back to that night of the Love Ball, when she'd watched Emily fight with Katie and come out on top. "That you're _not just you_ anymore. That what _you_ choose to do affects _me, _too."

"Em-"

Emily holds her hand up, effectively quieting whatever Naomi has to say. "No. Just don't, okay?" She lets out a shaky breath before looking back down at her. "It never even occurred to you to talk to me about this, did it? Don't you think that we should have looked at universities we could have gone to together? What happens in the next few years affects what happens to _us,_ Naomi."

"I know that but..."

"But, what?"

She knows that this is her chance to say every single doubt that she's ever had about them, to talk to Emily about this like adults, yet Naomi can't help but feel angry, slightly _resentful _at Emily for putting her in this position where she has to explain herself in the first place.

Naomi pushes herself up from her seat until they're level and staring right at each other. "You can't keep following me wherever I go, Emily. We're _eighteen,_ for fuck's sake. We've got our own lives to live- our own paths to follow."

She barely has time to register the look of hurt in Emily's eyes before the flash of anger returns. "Well, if that's how you truly feel about us..." Emily says sharply, tugging on her jacket in one smooth motion, "I guess I should apologise for loving you. For making you a _priority_ in my life." She snatches her bag from the table, throws it over her shoulder and heads towards the door, stops herself before leaving to add, "But, most of all, I guess that I should be sorry that I care about what happens to us when you so obviously don't."

Emily waits a few seconds for Naomi to say something, and when she doesn't, she storms off out of the door, slamming it behind her as she goes.

Naomi slumps back down into her seat, lights up a cigarette and runs a hand carelessly over her face and through her hair, letting out a tired sigh.

She knows deep down that she should compromise—sometimes even thinks she wants to—but how could she possibly compromise on who she is and what she wants when even she doesn't know for certain what that is yet?

-----

They don't talk for days after the argument.

When Emily finally approaches her, and it's always Emily who makes the first move, never Naomi, they don't talk about what will happen to them over the next couple of months; instead, they go about pretending everything is perfect.

_If only life were that simple._

-----

Its months later when Emily finally brings it up again one day out of the blue—exam results received, and decisions already made—laying in bed after a languid afternoon of love making.

"You're going to UCL." Emily drops it into the silence of the room; her lips brushing the words against the skin of Naomi's neck.

It's silent for a few long minutes before Naomi replies with a confirming, "Yeah I am."

"I'm going to Sheffield."

"Okay." Naomi doesn't really know what she's supposed to do now that they've ripped the seal off of their unspoken subject; continues to lay still, eyes trained on the ceiling.

Emily leans up on her elbow and looks down at her. "We'll make it work, won't we?" She doesn't know what to say, doesn't think there is anything she could say to reassure something she isn't certain about. She leans up and brushes a chaste kiss to Emily's mouth instead. Emily lies down again, snuggles back into her, pressing a kiss to Naomi's bare shoulder, murmuring, "We have to."

Naomi closes her eyes, pulls Emily in closer and wonders when it was that Emily started sounding more uncertain about them than she does.

-----

Thunder.

-----

The night before Emily's due to leave for Sheffield, they agree to spend a few hours together, to make the most of what time they have left before things change.

Emily comes over to her house, takes her by the hand, leads her up to her room without saying a word and makes love to her excruciatingly slowly; lavishes every inch of her skin with gentle kisses and delicate touches.

It leaves Naomi feeling completely overwhelmed when she feels Emily's lips whispering, "I love you." over her heart; feels her resolve crumbling in an instant.

It makes her breath hitch out of nowhere; her shoulders shake as racking sobs finally escape from her mouth, her eyes stinging as endless tears flow freely.

Emily lifts her head up, cups her cheek and tries to shush her. "Naomi, it's okay. We'll be okay. I promise."

She hates it. Hates how even now, in this, their final moment together that Emily is still trying to hold her hand, to guide her through whatever battlefield she's stumbling across—almost as if she's willing her own heart to protect Naomi's.

She doesn't deserve it, she never has, and the look of utter affection in Emily's eyes is the final reminder of why she doesn't.

She can't keep playing this part anymore.

"I can't do this." The words tumble out of Naomi's mouth in broken gasps. "I just... _can't_ do this anymore." She can barely watch as Emily's face freezes, sees the way the bright spark distinguishes in her eyes.

Emily's bottom lip trembles slightly, her face scrunching up in a look of pain as she pushes away. Naomi loosens her hold on Emily's back, watches as she rolls off of her and climbs out of the bed, tugging on her clothing in rapid speed.

Emily doesn't look at Naomi until she's over at her bedroom door, turns to her with a look that's part hope and part resignation. "Jesus Christ, I can't believe you're doing this again." She lets out a shaky breath, forces her eyes to hold Naomi's own for long moments before speaking again. "You're never going to stop fighting against it, are you? I've been trying my hardest all year to pretend that you're in this with me, but you just won't let your guard down long enough for me to make it through to you."

Naomi can feel the fear rushing out through her broken barriers, is reminded of the last time Emily hurried from her bed just before the Love Ball--crushed once again by her hurtful words. She feels her heart clench at the sight of tears falling freely from Emily's eyes.

"Why can't you just let yourself love me, Naomi?"

She sees it then, that painfully submissive and expectant look in Emily's eyes, knows that in this moment, she's once again in charge of what happens to them, and Emily is the poor soul that has to silently suffer with whatever she decides.

Naomi pointlessly opens her mouth to respond, closes it seconds later when she realises there's nothing she can say that will answer any of Emily's questions.

She doesn't know; she never has known.

Emily lifts a hand to pinch the bridge of her nose before letting out a deep breath and finding Naomi's eyes again. "If you can decide between now and tomorrow morning whether it's not so awful, loving me back, then you know what platform of the station you can find me on. I'll wait until the very last minute for you to show up and tell me that we can do this together... but, if you choose not to be there, Naomi, then I'm going to get on that train and go and live _my _life."

Naomi lifts a hand to quickly brush the tears off of her cheeks; tries to look away from Emily but can't, and something in Emily's expression softens.

After another moment and a deep sigh, Emily smiles sorrowfully, takes the few small steps back over to the bed and sits down on the edge, covering Naomi's hand with her own. "I will _always_ love you, but you're not the only one who feels like they can't keep doing this anymore."

Naomi can't stand to look at the disappointment on Emily's face anymore, twists her head so that it breaks their gaze. She feels Emily shift, soft lips suddenly pressing a faint kiss to her forehead; her eyes closing on instinct as she savours the contact, as if it's bound to be the last time.

Naomi keeps her eyes closed, doesn't open them again until after Emily's whispered, "Bye, Naomi," and has clicked the door shut behind her in a way that sounds an awful lot like an end.

-----

She doesn't go to the train station.

Instead, Naomi stays lying in bed, staring over at the empty space next to her where Emily would usually be; the imprint on her pillow still there as a stark reminder that she's missing.

She reaches out, carefully runs her fingertips over the space next to her; closes her eyes when her hand comes to rest on the pillow, tries to remember what Emily's skin felt like beneath her touch. Already can't.

Naomi rolls over and turns her back on it when she starts to imagine that she's hearing the clickety-clack of a train pulling away.

When her eyes catch the clock resting on her nightstand, she begins to cry uncontrollably- out of heartbreak, out of relief, out of guilt, out of what exactly Naomi's not quite sure, just knows that she doesn't feel any lighter, just emptier than she did before.

-----

The day before she's due to leave for London, Naomi watches the torrential rain through her bedroom window; leans her head against the cool glass and focuses on how the storm washes everything away.

_A clean slate_, she thinks hours later as she finishes packing up the remainder of her things.

-----

She rolls her eyes when her arrival at UCL doesn't go smoothly. Finds that they've messed up her residential setup because they thought 'Naomi Campbell,' coming to their university was some kind of hoax.

Rolls her eyes even more when the best solution they can offer her is a room at their 'Campbell House' dorm.

-----

For the first few weeks, she sees flashes of red everywhere, wonders what it means that she never paid much attention to the red in her life before when now it's all she can think about.

_Ironic_, Naomi thinks, and wishes that it didn't make her hurt so damn much.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:** Wait It Out // _Clambering for the scraps. In the shatter of us collapsed. That cuts me with every could-have-been._\\

Naomi doesn't really know where she's supposed to start.

She finds it more daunting than she'd ever expected, her new beginning, her chance to start from scratch all over again.

Doesn't understand why she's finding it all so hard when escaping from home was all she'd dreamed about for years.

Couldn't wait, back then, to leave it all behind.

Now, she can't decide whether she's meant to rebuild what was carelessly bulldozed down in her last few days in Bristol – meant to create the perfect replica of the life she already knows - or whether to scrap it all and start afresh.

It's utterly overwhelming, Naomi realises, having so many pieces shattered around her feet, waiting eagerly to be put together, and having no instructions to direct her in what order or how.

Logically she knows that it will be nearly impossible for her to piece her old life back together; knows she can't force shattered parts to fit in ways they once did and thinks that maybe it'll be easier to use the pieces to create something new instead. Just hopes that it'll work.

She takes a deep breath to prepare herself, realises that she just has to pick one single piece to begin with.

_London._

Places it down and thinks carefully about what she can join with it. Her hands search through the scraps, fingers finding pieces she can add:

_University._

_Politics._

_Eighteen._

_Alone._

Naomi watches as each piece takes its new place and hopes that with time she'll eventually be able to fill in the gaps and see what the final picture will turn out to be.

-----

Freshers' week is the hardest to get through.

Naomi's challenge to put aside her normal antisocial behaviour and make a sincere effort to mix with her fellow UCL goers is stunted in an instant.

It begins with red- she sees it everywhere, can't comprehend how she once thought that it was just another colour when it's _so much more_. It acts like a trigger, breaks through the barrier she'd put in place to stop herself thinking about Emily, and leaves her mind filled with messy questions.

Naomi tries her hardest to shut it out again, doesn't want to let herself think about Emily at all. She knows that thinking about Emily will only force her to come up with answers - answers she isn't sure she has, and that she doesn't think she's ready to face.

Despite her best efforts to escape them, though, she finds that those thoughts of Emily never fail to consume her.

It's always something unexpected that elicits them: hearing a song Emily likes on the radio, seeing someone wearing a bow, or even the time she overhears two girls in the middle of argument calling each other 'fucking cow' somehow manages to set her mind spinning.

It happens in a rush, the way that Naomi's memory will suddenly be overloaded with memories of _her_. It's a flashback _so vivid_ that it forces her from her hiding place, demands that she finally answers the questions that she managed to dodge at every turn.

Only she _can't_. She's still afraid of what the answers will be, and what they'll mean about her.

Naomi hates how her mind always seem to linger on the '_what if's'_.

She forces herself to concentrate on her degree, knows deep down that it's only a momentary distraction, will only hold them at bay a little longer, but it gives her those final few moments before she has to answer to her hardest critic yet… herself.

-----

It's become almost a ritual, the way that Naomi will head over to the little coffee shop just across from her dorm and settle down in one of the worn out booths to crack on with an essay. She likes the way the place always has a busy feel to it. It reminds her of trying to get coursework done at home - when her mum had simply offered their house out as a commune to all kinds of hippy freaks – and the constant noise actually helps in making her feel calmed and focused. Naomi finds that even the cheap tasting coffee is a comfort.

"Surely eight a.m. on a Saturday morning is a little early for essay writing, even for you."

It comes out of nowhere, the drone of an exceedingly bored and yet familiar voice. Only when she hears a gentle rustling and the click of a lighter seconds later does she lift her head up from her work to see Effy turning a cigarette between her fingers, momentarily toying with it before slipping it back into the back when she realises she's inside.

"You know me, Eff, won't be satisfied until I literally know it all," Naomi says, a hint of sarcasm lacing her tone. The corners of Effy's mouth twitch into a barely-there smile and Naomi finds herself suddenly curious as to what Effy is doing in London. "Come to see the Queen?"

Effy drums her fingers against the table, grins almost disbelievingly before replying, "University."

Naomi tries not to let her surprise show, and if Effy notices she pretends not to. Instead, she reaches over and grasps Naomi's cup of coffee, finishes whatever remains of the once hot drink in a large mouthful.

"The ever faithful watcher of the people finally searches for the meaning of life?" Naomi offers with a teasing smile.

"Something like that." Effy replies, expression completely neutral.

"Any luck yet?"

Effy smiles wickedly. "Life's shit and then you die."

"Insightful." Naomi replies through a laugh.

A moment of silence passes before Effy asks, "How's Emily getting on at Sheffield?"

It makes the smile fall from Naomi's face at once, her eyes averting Effy's relentless gaze. "I don't know. Things got complicated between us before we left Bristol and we ended it."

"She didn't chase after you then?"

"Not this time," Naomi murmurs sadly, "I assume she finally realised that I wasn't worth it."

Effy's eyes soften momentarily. "Sorry."

Naomi shakes her head, brushing off Effy's attempt of comfort. "Don't be. It was my own fault anyway." She throws a forced smile in Effy's direction. "Want to get out of here and go grab something to eat? The coffee here is all right, but the food is definitely too questionable to chance."

Effy shakes her head, and says, "Not hungry. How about going someplace where they serve something a little stronger?"

Naomi doesn't even think about it, grabs up her things and replies, "Sounds like a plan."

-----

Effy doesn't say much while they drink and, in return, neither does Naomi.

When they're finished a couple of hours later, Effy vanishes just as quickly as she appeared.

Mysterious as always, Naomi muses as she heads back to her dorm, all the while trying to keep her mind from actually wondering what Sheffield is like.

-----

Naomi's never been much of a drinker, social or otherwise.

She'd only ever joined in with the festivities in college if she'd somehow managed to find her way to a shit house party and alcohol was the only thing available to keep her entertained. Occasionally, she'd even take whatever drugs were on offer to make the night seem more bearable.

It's not something Naomi's ever felt she needs though. The buzz from the drinking, the inevitable high from the drugs, have never been an escape she could really understand.

Now, when it becomes too much, when she can't switch it off - the way Emily seems to be _haunting_ her at every turn - she's surprised to find that the only thing that lets her try to forget is that well used method of a constant upkeep of alcohol and drugs in her system.

_Now I get it_, Naomi thinks hazily, embracing how their effects keep her from feeling anything at all.

-----

The next couple of months pass in a haze.

Every night is a different place, but the intention to get too intoxicated to care or remember remains the same.

"It doesn't actually work, y'know."

They haven't seen each other since their last accidental meeting and Naomi's already far too on her way to being completely fucked to try and decode whatever Effy's trying to tell her.

Naomi sees Effy slide gracefully onto the barstool next to her and downs her last shot before slurring, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Effy's smile is almost menacing when she says, "The drinking. The drugs. That desire to numb it all and not let yourself feel. It doesn't work in the long run, Naomi. The effects wear off eventually."

It makes something inside Naomi snap, makes her resent that she's not really alone in London after all. "Yeah, well, thanks for the advice, Effy, but it seems to be working just fine for me at the moment. So, if you don't mind..."

Naomi doesn't give Effy the chance to respond, just grasps her drink, and let's herself once again get lost amongst the crowd.

-----

It spirals out of control quicker than she can handle.

It starts out as nothing more than harmless flirting- he introduces himself, buys her a drink, spends long moments complimenting her; she likes the way that being under his hungry gaze makes her feel _alive_ for the first time in weeks.

Naomi doesn't really know how she let it escalate so rapidly - isn't sure how flirting went to kissing or how the kissing led to this- her back pressed roughly against the cubicle wall, large hands bunching up her skirt and forcing her underwear down her legs.

It feels _wrong_.

Isn't even something she really wants.

When she starts crying out of nowhere, he takes a step back from her at once and quickly re-buttons his jeans with a worried expression. "Calm down, babe. We haven't done anything, all right? Nothing happened."

His words don't comfort her- only make her cry harder when it finally clicks just how fucked up her life is.

Naomi barely hears his swift explanation of "I didn't touch her. I swear nothing happened." seconds later or the reply of a simple "Go." Just sees Effy enter into her line of vision a moment after, a sad smile present on her lips when she tugs up Naomi's underwear and smoothes downs her skirt; one hand stabling Naomi's wobbling form.

It's the feel of Effy's gentle fingers on the bare skin of her arm that make Naomi even more aware of just how fucked up her choices have been- how wrong _everything_ has been since she left Bristol behind.

"I've messed up, Eff." Naomi gasps through her tears. "It was just _so much_, and I was _so fucking scared_..."

"It's okay," Effy coos as she wipes at Naomi's wet cheeks. Somehow she manages to get her arm wrapped steadily around Naomi's waist, and gets Naomi back up on her feet. "Come on, Campbell. Let's get you home, yeah?"

Naomi doesn't remember much about Effy carrying her home, just knows that she kept mumbling a mixture of "I didn't mean to fuck it up" and "I'm sorry" over and over again.

-----

She wakes to the gentle sound of someone murmuring her name.

"Ems?"

"Sorry, just me," Effy says carefully when Naomi's woken properly. She passes her a glass of water a second later, accompanied by two pain killers for her obvious hangover.

Naomi takes a couple of sips of the cool liquid and gratefully swallows down the tablets before looking up to find Effy's blue eyes staring back at her. She immediately feels helpless under Effy's gaze, can't seem to stop her eyes from tearing up.

Effy picks up on her inner struggle, offers a helping hand when she utters, "Truth?"

Naomi wipes at her eyes and sniffles, smiles a little despite her pounding head and aching body. "I messed it up."

"And?" Effy presses.

"And...?" Naomi catches the look on Effy's face that lets her know she's not fooling anyone anymore. "Fuck's sake..." Naomi grumbles irritably before sobering to add, "I... love her, all right?"

"I know," Effy replies sincerely, giving Naomi's arm a gentle squeeze.

Naomi's surprised to find that saying it out loud - finally _admitting_ it to herself after all this time - isn't actually as difficult as she expected it to be. She's even more shocked when the feeling settles over her and for the first time doesn't fill her with that desperate urge to take it back and run.

Effy is the one to break the silence that falls over them as she lights up a cigarette from her pack and takes a quick drag of it before handing it over to Naomi. Effy exhales smoke a second later and smiles wryly. "I told you that it doesn't work for long- numbing everything. Always catches up with you in the end."

Naomi doesn't reply, just puffs away on her cigarette and wishes that just for once Effy didn't always have to be right.

-----

Admitting it is like opening a wound. After months of avoidance it brings those unanswered questions back in a rush. The only difference is, this time she's ready to face up to the answers.

(At least some of them anyway.)

Naomi doesn't know whether it does more bad or good, letting herself finally think about Emily, just knows that it's time that she at least let herself feel _something_ about it all.

She runs their time together repeatedly over in her mind, smiles to herself when she remembers all of the good parts - Emily being brave by the lake, desperate kisses against the lockers, staying in bed all day long just because they could.

What really cuts her, makes realisation set in fast and deep, is how those few good moments they shared together are hideously outweighed by the bad. It makes her chest clench painfully with a mixture of guilt and shame.

The one thing that stings the most - always leaves her feeling physically sick - is how she never stopped being a coward. Naomi despises the word and all that it implies; hates how she let herself become one of those people she can't stand, always too spineless to stand up for what they believe in.

It had been totally unbalanced from the moment it began. Emily had given one-hundred percent, while she had given little. Emily had pulled and pulled, and in return for her sweet effort, Naomi pushed her away.

It's those thoughts that cause Naomi to have trouble sleeping.

She spends her nights lying awake wondering what Emily's life is like now. Sometimes she'll let herself think about whether Emily lies awake and thinks of her, too. Or, sometimes she'll wonder whether Emily's already moved on with someone else.

(Naomi never lets herself think about that latter for too long.)

The worst part of thinking about Emily's life now, Naomi knows, is that she still could have been a part of it had she just let herself be.

It's always the '_what could-have-been's_' that make her hurt the most, leave her crying silently into her pillow and wishing she could undo what is already done.

-----

"Just call her," Effy says a week later while they're laying on Naomi's bed watching crap daytime TV and smoking. It breaks through the muted bubble-world Naomi's created for herself in an instant.

"It's not that simple," Naomi replies miserably as she turns to face her. "I can't just call her up out of the blue. It's been nearly sixth months, Effy."

Effy frowns back at her. "So it's been sixth months. Who cares? It's just time."

"It's not _just time_, Eff. Time changes everything." Naomi lets her eyes drift back to the ceiling, pauses to think for a moment before continuing, "Besides, I've already messed her life up several times before. I can't do it to her again, not if she's already started to move on. It's too late."

She's grateful when she hears Effy let out a sigh, knows the subjects been dropped, at least for the time being anyway.

-----

April and May pass by in a blur.

-----

Naomi's already tucked in for the night when the loud knocking starts at her door. Effy's glares at her furiously when she finally opens it, barges past her and lets herself in without waiting to be asked.

"What's up, Eff?" Naomi asks curiously.

Effy takes one look at her baggy jumper and sweat-pants and gets as irritated as Naomi's ever seen her. "What the fuck, Naomi? We're supposed to be going out tonight, or did you just forget?"

Naomi glances down at what she's wearing when Effy's persistent staring begins to burn; shifts uncomfortably on her feet when she looks back up and answers, "I didn't forget, I just don't feel like it. I sent you a text."

Effy shakes her head, purses her lips together in a tight frown. "It's been months, you can't just stay locked away forever. It's getting _pathetic_, Naomi."

There's something in the way Effy's eyes have narrowed in on her with a glimmer of what looks like disgust that makes Naomi crack. "_Me pathetic_?" she snaps back. "At least I'm finally letting myself feel something. But what about you, huh, Eff? Still think that playing the part of the unfeeling, uncaring robot isn't at least a bit pathetic, too?"

Effy's jaw tenses at Naomi's words, but her tone remains surprisingly neutral when she ignores her outburst and replies, "Either stop the wallowing, and the endless self pity, Naomi, and do something about Emily, or just let it go. But, for fuck's sake, stop torturing yourself for the mistakes you made."

Effy's words sting more than she thought they would and it's all Naomi can do to avert Effy's gaze, and gesture towards the door. "I think you should leave."

Effy nods her head mutely and passes her by to let herself out, turns back around quickly and adds, "Stop letting your regrets hold you back or you'll just end up with even more mistakes to add to your list."

Naomi doesn't hear the sound of the door shutting behind Effy's retreating form, is too consumed by the deafening words Effy's left behind.

-----

"I'm sorry," Naomi says when Effy opens the door the next morning, and offers her one of the Styrofoam cups of coffee she's carrying. "Peace offering?"

Effy's mouth curves into a small smile as she pulls the door back to let Naomi into her room. She gestures at the edge of her bed and sits; Naomi following swiftly behind her.

"You were right, by the way." Naomi says, breaking the silence between them. Effy turns to her with a neutral expression. "About me, I mean. I did need to make a decision about all of this Emily stuff."

"Obviously," Effy replies dryly.

"I stayed up thinking about it last night after you left." Naomi reaches up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear and lets out a shaky breath before looking up at Effy with a forced smile. "I've decided that I'm letting her go." Naomi shrugs when Effy doesn't look away. "Things are better off this way. She can move on and so can I. It's about time I started living my life again."

"You made the right choice, Naomi."

Naomi lets out a nervous chuckle. "I hope so." She smiles awkwardly a second later and says, "Sorry for calling you a robot, Eff."

Effy laughs. "Don't be. That's possibly the nicest insult anyone has ever thrown at me." Naomi watches as Effy's face changes from amused to self-conscious as she continues, "But you were right, too; I fucked around in college and hurt a lot of people - Freddie, Cook, Panda... Katie," she says with a wince, "I don't want to do that anymore."

"To change?" Naomi suggests, lamely raising her coffee cup and rolling her eyes.

Effy smiles and clinks their cups together. "To change... and a lot of therapy time."

Naomi sniggers and takes a finalising sip of her coffee.

-----

Things only get easier as time goes on.

They stick to their agreement to change.

Effy goes to therapy twice a week, telling Naomi that it's about time she talked to someone who isn't just a wanker about everything in life.

Naomi sees a flyer pinned up in a local supermarket asking for volunteers to help out at a children's summer school; she puts her name down without a second thought.

She calls her mum later that night, and cancels her plans to return to Bristol for the summer - knows that there's no point reopening her healing wounds if she can avoid it.

-----

As her second year at university rolls around and comes to an end, Naomi realises that she doesn't find herself floating off in thought of Emily anymore; is far too busy getting out into the world and living her life.

After deciding to let Emily go, she'd busied herself in her work and even maintained her challenge to stop being so antisocial by joining in any political cause she could find. She's immersed herself in organising rallies and protests with her fellow classmates- and even managed to make a few friends along the way.

Things are definitely looking up.

-----

She meets Effy every Sunday morning for coffee.

It's always that same little coffee shop where they first bumped into each other in London. Neither of them will admit it, but they both know it's become '_their_' place.

Naomi's in the middle of explaining her latest political cause when she notes that Effy's not even pretending to be the good sport she usually is in listening- is far too busy twisting in her seat to get a better look at the attractive guy sitting at the table behind them.

"Erm, hellooo? I'm talking here, y'know," Naomi teases as she snaps her fingers in front of Effy's face.

Effy turns to face her with her devilish grin- a grin Naomi's come to recognise as the one that means Effy's up to something. "That guy sitting behind us has been here every Sunday morning for the past month."

"And?"

Effy rolls her eyes in response. "And, he sits and stares at you every time we're here. He thinks you're hot."

It makes Naomi blush furiously without warning, a nervous laugh bubbling out of her throat. "Why would he be staring at me? He's clearly staring at you, Eff."

"He's _staring at you_, Naomi. And, he's staring at you because you're hot and he's hot and guys like that can sense when women like you haven't had sex in forever."

Naomi reaches across the table and slaps at Effy's arm. "Just because my new leaf isn't as good as yours and I haven't fallen madly in love like a certain someone I know," she laughs when Effy gives her the finger, "Doesn't mean that I'm not having sex."

Effy raises an eyebrow questioningly. "Oh, so since I saw you last Sunday, you're suddenly having sex again?"

Naomi lets out a breath and bites down on her bottom lip. "Well, no, not exactly."

"So, like I was saying, this guy is really hot and he's staring at you in a way that's obviously him mentally undressing you. You should go over there and give him your number."

Naomi chances a glance over Effy's shoulder to take a better look at the guy. Blushes an ever darker shade of red when he catches her looking and smiles sexily back at her. "I don't know, Eff."

"Come on, Naomi. It's been two years. You need to get back out there. Plus, he's really attractive." Effy picks up on Naomi's unease and covers her hand with her own. "Just go for a drink with him. You never know, you might actually end up enjoying yourself."

Naomi feels her resistance faltering when he stands from his table and gingerly makes his way over to them; gives in and agrees to go out with him when she feels Effy kick her under the table.

-----

Three weeks later Naomi adds '_men_' as another piece to the puzzle that is her life.

Notices how all the empty spaces are slowing getting filled in piece by piece.

-----

They're playing a game of cards when it occurs to Naomi that their university experience only has a year left to go. "Eff? What do you think you want to do when your degree is done?"

Effy looks up at her over her cards and says, "I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. I think Mike might want to go travelling."

Naomi rolls her eyes, and places her cards down. "I think I want to go into teaching. I enjoyed volunteering at that summer school and the guy who ran the place said I was a natural."

Effy pulls a face, places her own cards down, and smiles smugly when Naomi sees that she's lost again. "Isn't teaching like a whole different degree? Do you really want to spend another three years here just to work with teenaged twats like Cook?"

Naomi laughs when she remembers how absurd the boy had been, sees her smile mirrored of Effy's own face. "It wouldn't actually be for that long. Because I'll already have my politics degree, I can do a postgraduate certificate in education by staying on for another year."

"Sounds like you've got it all planned out, Miss Campbell," Effy teases, shuffling the cards again.

-----

She drops it into conversation casually. "So I got asked out on Friday night…" Naomi says as she takes a seat on Effy's couch and sips at her wine.

"And?"

"I don't know whether I should go or not."

Effy stares at her disbelievingly. "Naomi, you get asked out all the time. I'm sure this guy is nice, just go and enjoy yourself. Stop over analysing it."

Naomi puts her glass down on the coffee table and twists her body so she's facing Effy properly. "That's the problem actually... it's not a guy."

"Ah, I see." Effy smiles and teasingly asks, "Is she hot?"

Naomi can't help but blush a little even when Effy laughs and prods her with her foot to get her to answer. "Yeah, she's gorgeous, and we get on great."

"I don't see the problem then."

"It's just that I haven't - not with another woman - since Emily, I mean." Naomi averts Effy's gaze, knows that her bringing up Emily in any way or form will have Effy all over her case within seconds.

"Naomi..."

"Yeah, I know," Naomi replies shaking her head. "I've got to get back out there and I have been. It's just--"

"Just nothing, Naomi," Effy interrupts, "You should go on the date and you know it."

Naomi knows Effy's right, knows that she gave up the right to think about Emily at all. Just knows that she can't help the way Emily still manages to linger in the back of her mind.

-----

"How was your date?" Effy asks with a smirk, noticing the way that Naomi's still wearing the same outfit that she'd helped her pick out the night before.

Naomi makes sure that she isn't looking directly at Effy when she replies, "It went well. I liked her, we got on well. The meal was great and... I spent the night. But, I don't think I'm going to see her again."

Effy stares at her silently for long seconds before moving aside and motioning for Naomi to come inside. She passes Naomi a cup of coffee and leans back against the kitchen counter. "Aren't you going to tell me why you're not going to see her again?"

"It just didn't feel right, y'know," Naomi replies.

She sees the look in Effy's eyes a second later, and knows that she doesn't have to say what they both already know: '_She's not Emily_.'

-----

Towards the end of her third year, Naomi happily notes that the puzzle that makes up her life is starting to look almost complete.

Only a few empty spaces remain.

-----

After months of turning up nearly every day and impatiently knocking on the door to Effy's flat, Effy had finally just tossed the set of keys in Naomi's direction and told her to just get her own 'buggering' set made.

"Hey, Eff?" Naomi calls out as she lets herself in and begins to walk down the hallway and towards the kitchen. "Can I bring a date to your engagement party? I know I should have told you, but I met a really cute guy on the train. We've been dating for a couple of weeks now and I want you to mee--"

Naomi freezes in the doorway when her eyes stumble across Effy sitting alone on the floor of the kitchen; the room now stripped of all of its belongings.

It comes as a shock, seeing Effy, knees drawn up to her chest and looking more broken than Naomi can ever remember seeing her. Effy's always been the strong one since they got to London, the one to pull herself together and make a go of her life without ever looking back at the mess she'd once made.

_It's painful_, Naomi realises a second later, watching the one person who's always kept you afloat looking so utterly like they can't stop themselves from going under.

"No party, I'm afraid," Effy says hoarsely, looking up to find Naomi's eyes. "Mike's left me."

Naomi closes the space between them quickly, kneels down in front of Effy, and tries to pull her into a hug.

Effy bats her arm away and shakes her head with tear filled eyes. "Don't. I'm fine."

"Eff..." Naomi murmurs, ignoring her plea and reaching for her again. Effy resists against her embrace for a moment before Naomi says, "Don't. It doesn't help not to feel, remember?"

She feels Effy sink into her arms, can feel a mixture of Effy's hot breath and tears against the crook of her neck as she begins to sob. Naomi feels the balance shift between them, knows that she has to be the strong one for once and hold them together; tightens her arms around Effy's tiny frame, and curses the universe.

-----

'_Best friend_' Naomi adds to her puzzle.

Wonders why she hasn't added it in sooner.

Realises this is the first time in her life that she's ever really had one.

-----

Naomi squints her eyes as she tries to read the tiny writing on the back of the box. "It says you have to pee on it."

"No shit, Naomi."

Naomi lets out a laugh when she catches Effy's amused smile and dramatic eye roll. Hands over the box and sits on the edge of the bed to wait for Effy's return.

She keeps time on her watch when Effy comes back with a less than pleased look on her face muttering- "It's like that fucking thing at the funfair where you have to try and shoot the water gun at the really small target."

"Look, then," Naomi says after three long minutes.

Effy slowly shakes her head from her place on the bed. "I can't. You look for me."

Naomi takes a deep breath as she lifts the pregnancy test up to her eyes, sees the two little blue lines and turns back to Effy with a skittish smile. "Ah, well, fuck."

Effy snatches it from Naomi's grasp and looks down at it in horror.

-----

Effy whips her bag angrily across the kitchen as soon as they step inside of her flat.

Naomi doesn't say a word, knows that Effy needs this time to try and figure things out in her head. Instead she shrugs out of her jacket and makes them both a cup of tea before Effy speaks again.

"For years, Freddie and Cook fucking stalked me because they loved me and wanted to be with me but I couldn't love them back. And yet somehow, stupidly, I manage to fall in love with the one guy who didn't want to fucking stick around." Effy laughs bitterly as she runs a hand through her wild hair. "Now, I'm four bloody months pregnant and alone. What the fuck am I going to do, Naomi?"

Naomi often finds it strange now, when Effy will relapse slightly like this and bring up the past. She remembers how reckless Effy had been back in college, had never been able to understand her attitude at all. One night, during a rather depressing conversation about people and love, Naomi had asked Effy what her deal was with trusting people. Effy had looked over at her in silence before quickly muttering some explanation about her parents and how they'd completely fucked up her belief in people.

It had made Naomi think about her own parents. Her mother was a complete fruit cake, wild and annoying but always there regardless and her father... well he had been absent for the better part of her life, and it had left her feel nothing but bitter towards most people.

Naomi can hardly comprehend what it must have been like for Effy, whose parents were part of her daily life and yet still absent in every possible way. It made Naomi think of _invisibility_, and wonder if that's how Effy got so good at being mysterious; impossible to be anything but a mystery when nobody ever sees you for who you really are.

Naomi smiles sorrowfully at the memory and says, "You'll do what you've always done. You'll be strong and cope with this and I'll be here to help, okay?"

Effy looks less than convinced with her answer. "Don't make me any promises. I've learnt the hard way that they really mean fuck-all."

Naomi throws her arm around Effy's shoulder, pulls her into a sideways hug and presses a kiss to her forehead, and says, "You just need someone to prove you wrong, that's all." She doesn't need to mention Effy's parents for her to understand what she means when she continues, "I believe in you, yeah? You can do this."

Effy tilts her head to find Naomi's eyes, smiles a little at her words before sagging against her, and nodding meekly. "I can do this."

Naomi closes her eyes and rests her head atop of Effy's; remembers laying on her bedroom floor with Emily, and being told for the first time by someone other than her mum, that they believed in her. She hadn't realised at the time, but in that spilt second, Emily had gotten her to believe in a whole lot more than herself.

She hopes her words are enough to make a believer out of Effy to.

-----

They don't celebrate on the day they receive their results.

Naomi passes her degree with flying colours- receives a first-class honours, and gets a hysterical phone call from her mum repeatedly telling her how proud she is. She makes an excuse and hangs up on her at the first chance she gets, unable to handle her mum's gushing for longer than necessary.

Effy doesn't blink an eye when she opens her own results- doesn't even let on that she's pleased when she finds out she's passed with a 2.1.

Naomi makes an effort to cheer Effy up, knows that they can't go out drinking, what with Effy being nearly seven months pregnant. Instead she nips down to the nearest shopping centre, returning home an hour later with a book of baby names, some post-it notes and ridiculous top hat that she buys from a charity shop. Effy stares at her with a mixture of confusion and irritation, until Naomi finally manages to make her smile and roll her eyes while she teasingly reads out the meaning behind 'Elizabeth'.

It doesn't take much after that for Naomi to coax Effy into going through the book with her and making a list of the most random and out-there names that they can find. In the end they settle on picking five ludicrous names each and placing them in the hat, coming to the rather stupid agreement that on the day the baby is born, whatever name is picked out of the hat, is what the child will be called.

It's a little harsh, but it makes Effy laugh for the first time in weeks, so Naomi deems the whole thing worth it.

Hours later - their ten ridiculous names safely picked - with Effy curled up asleep on her shoulder, Naomi finds that she doesn't really care that she might end up as a god-parent to a child who could turn out to be called Bricker Stonem.

-----

A week before Effy's due date Naomi finds her crying hysterically on the bathroom floor, clutching a little brown bear that she bought for the baby's arrival. She's gotten used to this now, the way that she'll find Effy in various stages of a hormonal break down. It was a little unsettling to begin with, but once the doctor had explained that Effy would suffer changeable mood swings and do a lot of uncontrollable crying - something which Effy, at the time had outright rejected - Naomi had figured out a way to keep her cool and guide Effy through her momentary outbursts.

Naomi bobs down until she's level with Effy and reaches out to brush the tears from her cheeks, and says, "Eff, babe, come on. Let's get you up, yeah? You shouldn't be sitting on the floor like this; it's not good for the baby."

Somehow her words only manage to make Effy cry even more; the heel of her palms going up to her eyes and rubbing furiously. "Who was I kidding thinking I could fucking do this, Naomi?"

"You can do this, Eff." Naomi replies, her hands running soothingly up and down Effy's arms.

"Like fuck I can," Effy snaps back. "I'm scared shitless. I haven't told my parents, my fiancé fucking left me, I look like a beached whale, and I'm going to be a single parent in a matter of days-- how can you possibly think I won't fuck this up?"

"Shh, don't be so stupid," Naomi coos at her as she passes her a piece of toilet roll to wipe her eyes. "You're not going to fuck up and I'm right here to help you with the baby, okay? Anything I can do, I will."

Effy sniffles as her tears subside. She stares at Naomi intently for a few minutes before saying, "Move in with me- I don't want to be here on my own."

Naomi smiles brightly and replies, "Done."

She holds her hands out for Effy to take and pulls her to her feet; her hand instantly falling to rest on Effy's bump. It makes Effy smile gently, and mumble, "Thanks."

It's the first time in her life that Naomi's ever heard gratitude that wasn't required.

-----

The next three years pass in a rush; it feels an awful lot like being winded.

Effy gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. They both laugh when 'Bricker' does actually get picked out of their ridiculous list, and even after Naomi tries to convince her that she doesn't have to use that name, Effy insists that it suits him just fine.

They move to a bigger apartment when Bricker's ten months old, one with enough bedrooms for all three of them to live comfortably. Naomi completes her postgraduate certificate of education without any trouble, and starts work a few months later at a local secondary school, while Effy works in advertising from home so that she can be with Bricker.

When she finally takes a second to catch her breath, Naomi realises how much their lives have somehow managed to change drastically in what feels like the blink of an eye.

It still takes her by surprise, the way that the lessons she's learned about life have all come out of the most unexpected situations and people.

_We're not teenagers anymore_, Naomi thinks as she watches Effy push Bricker on the swings, and remembers that there still feels like a piece of her own puzzle is missing.

-----

Naomi isn't expecting it at all. It hits her out of nowhere, the way her life gets turned upside down in a split second. One moment she's going about her daily routine, finishing up her lesson and heading for home, and the next--

All she sees is dark brown staring back at her.

And _red_- so much red that it _burns_.

She barely hears as the headmistress makes the introduction and says, "Naomi, I'd like to introduce you to our new English teacher Emily Fitch."

It seems to happen in a slow motion, the way Emily's hand slips into her own and shakes it politely- a shocked but happy smile covering her face.

_Complete_, Naomi thinks instinctively, and automatically feels the last piece to the puzzle slip into place.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three:** No Longer What You Require //_Back then the days were so much faster. We were young, stubborn and in love with disaster. You know you can't go back even if you try._\\

It doesn't feel real. Not for a second. Naomi feels an awful lot like she's dreaming; her mind wrapped up in some kind of make-believe trance.

It's only when Emily's hand slides into her own, her fingers gently digging into her skin as they shake hands, that Naomi comes out of her haze and realises that she is actually awake.

'_This moment is really happening,'_ Naomi thinks as Emily's hand slips away from her own, their skin brushing. The contact between them was only brief but Naomi can already feel that familiar sensation creeping through her fingers and consuming her hand. It tingles unbearably, as if Emily's marked her skin with one split-second touch.

Naomi can't stop herself from glancing down at her hand just to check.

It had been a habit of hers when she and Emily had first gotten together. She'd stare at herself in the mirror for long minutes after Emily had touched her, would run her eyes over every inch of her body and search for physical evidence that Emily's touch could have left behind. It always left Naomi dumbfounded when she couldn't see any; she could never understand how it was possible for her skin to be intact when Emily's touch_ burned_.

_It still does_, Naomi realises as she draws her eyes away from her unmarked hand.

-----

"I still can't believe it. Naomi Campbell, a teacher," Emily says disbelievingly, stirring a second sugar into her coffee.

The noise of the spoon clinking against the china cup is enough to force Naomi to look up from her own drink and meet Emily's gaze for the first time since their earlier collision.

She'd been too shocked initially to do anything more than follow a few steps behind as Mrs. Burton gave Emily the tour of the school. It wasn't until afterwards, when Emily had suggested that they grab a quick coffee in the staff room that Naomi had finally been able to calm her hammering heart and form enough words to agree.

She sees the cheeky glimmer in Emily's eyes and immediately feels her mouth quirking into a smile, sarcastically replying, "I blame Kieran, the fucker, and his amazing passion for teaching. Obviously." Naomi rolls her eyes out of habit, and pauses to sip at her coffee, trying to clear the dryness in her mouth. "My only guess is that his enthusiasm must have somehow rubbed off on me during all those wonderful lessons he gave us at Roundview."

Emily chuckles at the remark, the corners of her eyes creasing and softening her face beautifully. Says, "Luckily for me all that encouraging Katie did while we were growing up, repeatedly telling me 'Books are like, for losers, Ems. Do something worthwhile and read _Heat, _yeah_?_' didn't leave behind a lasting impression."

Naomi forces a smile in response, isn't quite sure how to deal with the familiarity that has somehow settled between them almost effortlessly within the last couple of minutes. She doesn't quite understand how Emily can _just be_ when she's using all her power just to keep her breathing steady.

She feels her throat itching with the desire to say something, anything even, just to break the heavy tension between them. Isn't really sure how she can be seeing Emily in front of her and still not really know anything about her. It's almost unbearable, the way Naomi feels like she's suddenly back to being seventeen again and immensely unsure of everything.

Naomi's never been more thankful for irritatingly loud ringtones then when Emily's phone breaks through the silence. Emily mouths a quick 'sorry' in Naomi's direction before turning away slightly and answering the call.

There's something about it all, about Emily showing back up in her life out of nowhere, that leaves Naomi feeling completely unsettled. It's a feeling she hasn't felt in years; that awful sensation that leaves her feeling like she's floundering uselessly underwater and never quite able to muster the strength to break through the surface .

It makes her chest clench anxiously.

"Sorry about that," Emily says turning back to face her a second later while flipping her phone shut. "I hate to cut this short, but I need to get going. That was James. He's come up for the weekend to help me put furniture together in my new place and I'm worried that the little worm doesn't really know what he's doing."

Naomi pushes a smile onto her face, nodding her head in acknowledgement, and tries her hardest to sound chirpy when she replies, "Well, it's not like we won't be seeing each other on a daily basis now. We'll have loads of time to chit-chat, right, Em?"

The nickname comes out of her mouth without a second thought and Naomi almost feels like she's overstepped some unspoken rule between old friends who are now in reality complete strangers. She opens her mouth to take it back, or even apologise in some way, but ends up letting it go when Emily beams a smile in her direction, and surprisingly places a hand on her arm.

"I'm already looking forward to it." Emily lets her eyes trace over Naomi's face while letting out a shallow breath. Smiles before continuing, "It's really good to see you, Naomi."

The sincerity laced in Emily's tone is enough to make Naomi swallow hard against the lump in her throat before murmuring back. "It's good to see you, too."

Emily takes a carefully measured step towards her and, before Naomi can contemplate what's happening, she finds herself being pulled in towards Emily's body for a hug. It comes back to her naturally, the way her arms snake around Emily's waist and tug her closer, her nose burying into ridiculously silky red hair.

It's entirely intoxicating the way Emily's tiny frame seems to fit against her perfectly. Naomi finds herself completely unable to stop her eyes from slipping shut as her lungs fill with the scent of Emily's hair. It comes as a shock to find that it still smells deliciously of berries- makes Naomi instantly wonder what else in Emily's life has remained the same all these years.

Naomi hears Emily sigh against her shoulder and has to resist the urge that bubbles up within her to brush her lips against the soft skin of Emily's neck, bites the inside of her cheek to stop herself.

The look on Emily's face is so content when she pulls away, that it forces Naomi to look away; the fluttering she feels creeping into her stomach is quickly becoming far too much.

Emily presses her lips to Naomi's cheek before she leaves and says, "This has all been a massive surprise but I'm really glad you're here."

'_Me, too,'_ Naomi thinks, watching as Emily walks away and wishes that it didn't leave her feeling like everything is spinning completely out of her control.

-----

She finds Effy in the kitchen when she gets home. "Hey."

Effy throws her hand up in a way of greeting, her eyes never leaving the pile of paperwork she has spread out in front of her on the table.

Naomi stays put, hovers in the doorway and listens to the sound of Effy's pen scratching against the paper, until Effy looks up at her after a few minutes with a mixture of annoyance and concern. "What's wrong?"

Naomi mulls it over in her head, still can't quite believe that it's all really happened. She settles for letting out a sigh and slumping into the chair opposite Effy, says, "I got introduced to the school's new teacher today."

"Oh?" Effy drops her eyes back down to her work, losing interest in the conversation quickly.

Naomi bites at her lip and takes a carefully measured breath before finally saying, "It's Emily."

Effy slowly lifts her head and stares back at her silently, seemingly weighing out the whole situation in her head before carefully asking, "Are you okay?"

It's the easiest question she's been asked all day and yet Naomi doesn't really know how to answer it. She isn't sure whether she's allowed to say 'no' after all the time that's passed. Just knows that she can't stop thinking about Emily's face, and Emily's eyes, and Emily's smile...

"Why wouldn't I be?" Naomi feels a headache coming on and instantly rubs her fingers against her temples to try and ease the pain, closes her eyes against the room's bright light. "It was just a bit of shock, that's all."

She hears Effy move about in the kitchen, opens her eyes a moment later to see Effy sliding a glass of water in front of her along with some painkillers. "How was she?" Effy asks once Naomi's swallowed down the tablets.

Naomi shrugs dismissively. "She seemed well."

Effy nods her head once, knowing that this is as much as Naomi is willing to talk about it at the moment. It's something Naomi's always liked about their friendship, that mutual understanding that some things just need to be left alone until the time is right.

Naomi goes off to get Bricker ready for bed and leaves Effy to continue with her work. Doesn't let herself think about Emily again until much later that night when she's sitting downstairs on the couch long after everyone's gone to bed. Finds herself tearing up without reason; tries desperately not to let the tears fall.

She hears the flooring creak a moment later as Effy enters the room, slips onto the couch next to her without a word and instantly reaches for Naomi's hand.

They're silent for a long time before Naomi barely whispers, "I've never stopped missing her."

Effy doesn't say anything in return, doesn't need to ask who Naomi means, just squeezes her hand a little tighter in a way that says she's known all along.

-----

Naomi wakes up with a pounding headache on Monday morning and wishes that the thought of seeing Emily again didn't leave her feeling horribly unprepared.

She gets ready for work slower than usual, takes time out of her morning routine to watch cartoons with Bricker and ignores the knowing look Effy shoots her from the doorway when she calls him up to have his bath.

It's harder than Naomi remembers, trying to avoid someone, especially Emily, who always did seem to have her clocked on some kind of bizarre radar. She parks her car in the space furthest from the school entrance and just manages to slip unnoticed past Mrs Burton and Emily when she passes by the staff room, shielding herself from their view behind a particularly tall student.

Her ability to hide doesn't last though. It never did.

Emily finds her during their lunch hour, knocks lightly on the door to Naomi's classroom with her elbow and holds up two packets of sandwiches with a smile; lingering in the doorway until Naomi looks up in her direction.

"Hope you don't mind some company? The other teachers here aren't very conversational and one old guy keeps staring at my tits."

Naomi laughs and accepts the sandwich Emily passes her. "That'll be Mr. Fuller. He does like to ogle every slightly developed girl in sight- fucking pervert."

Emily grins back at her before saying, "Thanks for the warning. I'll be sure not to wear a low-cut top then."

The eat in silence for a few moments until Naomi feels like she can't ignore the way she can see Emily looking at her from out of the corner of her eye, decides it's best to try and crush the slight awkwardness between them with a friendly question.

"So..." Naomi wipes her hands on a tissue and smiles at Emily as genuinely as she can. "How's your first day going so far, Miss Fitch?"

Emily shrugs in a way that Naomi finds infuriating cute before replying, "Not too bad. Most of the kids here seem like a good bunch, so that's always a plus."

"Not to be horrible, Em, but you really haven't been here long enough to pick up on the ones that are little shits. They're probably still testing you."

"Testing me?"

Naomi nods her head with a smile. "When I first started here they all acted like little angels and I thought I'd struck it lucky. By the second week they'd come to the conclusion that I'd be a push over and started acting out. In the end I had to pull out some of my wonderful wittiness to keep them all in check."

"Ah, I see," Emily says through a smile. "Thanks for the advice; I'll have to start laying down the law early then."

It makes Naomi chuckle unexpectedly, the idea of Emily being firm with anyone, but then she remembers James finding them making out in Emily's room that one time and how Emily had managed to shut him up and make him promise that he wouldn't say a word without having to bribe him at all. Stern Emily had been one of the hottest things Naomi had ever seen, and Emily had made damn sure to keep up her newfound sternness once she'd noticed the look of utter lust darkening Naomi's eyes after James had been thrown out of the room.

The memory alone is enough to make Naomi blush furiously and she quickly fires out the first question that comes to her mind in the hopes that Emily hasn't already seen the flush now covering her cheeks. "How was life in Sheffield, then?"

She immediately sees the look of shock that crosses over Emily's face, as if she wasn't expecting Naomi to ever bring that question up, and knows it must be mirrored somewhat across her own face when Emily shuffles in her seat and clears her throat; is thankful when Emily chooses to answer rather safely.

"Sheffield was great. I had great fun at Uni and ended up working at a really nice school once I'd finished up my degree."

"How come you ended up moving to London?" Naomi feels the blood pounding heavily in her ears, doesn't know why her brain and vocal cords don't seem to be cooperating in any way. It's like some kind of awful word vomit that she doesn't know how to stop. Questions that she's not sure she wants answers to.

It doesn't go unnoticed the way that Emily takes a deep breath and doesn't seem to be able to meet her eyes when she says, "It wasn't really my idea to come to London but my girlfriend, Rachel, got offered a better job here, so..." The last part of Emily's sentence comes out cautiously, as if she's not quite sure how much truth to offer up in this delicate situation.

The blow hits hard.

Naomi feels her chest locking up at Emily's words and squeezing all the air from her lungs. Leaves her feeling a horrible mixture of lightheaded and sick.

It comes as a kind of disorientation that she doesn't remember ever having experienced before. It makes Naomi instantly think of falling.

She just about manages to say, "That's great, Emily," before the bell rings and she finds herself hitting the ground harshly; realisation of Emily's words slowly sinking into her broken body.

-----

It's almost midnight when Effy finds her out on the back steps smoking and nursing a half empty bottle of vodka. Effy settles down onto the step next to her; their shoulders and knees bumping together as she does so. Asks, "Momentarily regressing?"

Naomi takes another drink of the vodka. Doesn't meet Effy's gaze when she replies, "Something like that, yeah."

Effy accepts the half smoked cigarette that Naomi offers her but declines the vodka with a quick shake of her head. "This might be none of my business but I thought we were past that stage in life where drinking straight from the bottle helped?"

Naomi sniggers, shakes the bottle gently and watches as the clear liquid splashes against the inside of the glass. It makes her wonder briefly, what it must feel like to be trapped inside and not be able to take part in the world happening just on the other side of the glass; to see but never really participate.

Thinks maybe she's been fooling herself all these years, that maybe she never really broke out of her bottle and escaped to freedom. Thinks that perhaps she's just deluded herself that watching and living is somehow the same thing.

"Emily's seeing someone." Effy raises an eyebrow and takes another long drag out of her cigarette; crushes the butt to the ground when she's finished with it. "She's the reason why Em's here... Jesus, Emily moved to London just to be with this woman."

Naomi feels more than hears as Effy releases a sigh and mentally braces herself for whatever Effy's response will be. "What did you expect, Naomi? That during these seven years Emily wouldn't have moved on and dated?"

"Of course not." Naomi relinquishes under Effy's gaze and turns her head to face her. "I knew she would have dated, but this, whatever this relationship she's in now, it must be serious if she's moved her whole life to London just to keep them together."

Effy purses her lips together and is silent for a long minute before reasoning, "You missed your chance, Nae."

It's the way that Effy says it like it's some kind of sorry fact that makes Naomi feel anger bubble to the surface. Glares at Effy and says, "You don't think I know that?"

Effy doesn't even flinch at her outburst, just keeps staring at Naomi intensely. "She's not yours, Naomi. You chose to let her go, remember?"

She bites at her bottom lip before releasing a shallow breath and murmuring a defeated, "I know, okay?"

Naomi doesn't bother to add that it's still the biggest regret of her life, suspects Effy already knows when she wraps an arm around her shoulders and hugs her into the side of her body; lips brushing a gentle kiss to the top of her head.

-----

The next couple of weeks pass by rather uneventfully.

She doesn't go out of her way to seek Emily out, but when they are together during their lunch break she makes a sincere effort to get comfortable with their new-found friendship. Knows that she's just going to have to get used to crushing down that desire she feels building up within her whenever Emily accidentally brushes against her or touches her in a friendly gesture.

Naomi finds the whole thing a lot easier to do once Emily stops mentioning Rachel - during one of their lunch time chats, Emily had mentioned that Rachel was finishing off a case with a client in Sheffield and wouldn't be joining her in the move to London for another two and a bit months. Without warning Naomi had swiftly made up a quick excuse to leave, ignoring Emily's dejected protests for her to stay - luckily for her, Emily hadn't mentioned Rachel again after that second failed attempt.

Naomi can't be sure whether it's because Emily's caught onto the way that any mention of Rachel seems to leave her uneasy or whether Emily just feels awkward talking about her current girlfriend with her ex.

Either way Naomi's eternally grateful that she doesn't have to hear about the woman that's replaced her in Emily's heart on a daily basis.

-----

The first thing Naomi notices when Effy walks through the door on Saturday afternoon - with bags full of shopping - is how incredibly tense and tired she looks.

She sees Bricker run into the living room as Effy dumps the bags down on the kitchen table with a deep sigh. "Is everything all right?"

Effy slumps down into one of the kitchen chairs and reaches up to pinch the bridge of her nose. "He was a fucking nightmare again, Nae."

"What happened this time?" Naomi glances past Effy's shoulder just to make sure Bricker isn't lingering behind them. "Worse than he normally is?"

Effy lets out a broken laugh. "Oh, it's definitely getting worse."

Naomi watches as Effy leans forward and snatches a cigarette from her packet, instantly lighting it up and inhaling several deep breaths, before asking, "Are you sure?"

"The way we normally go to the supermarket was being re-paved so we had to walk on the other side of the street and he pretty much lost it; started crying uncontrollably for no reason. Then, once we actually got to the supermarket and he'd calmed down a bit, some old lady said he was cute and went to ruffle his hair and he flinched away from her like she was going to hurt him... and not to mention he hasn't stopped babbling away and listing those bloody _Hot Wheels_ cars that he likes."

Naomi opens her mouth to respond but stops herself as Bricker rushes into the kitchen and climbs onto her lap holding onto two of his cars and muttering, "Number 5, model N4008 the Ferrari 250 GTO and number 37, model N4040, the Datsun Bluebird 510."

She watches as he runs each of them in turn along the edge of the table, while making the appropriate car noises before looking over at Effy and saying, "You need to write what happened down in that book we're keeping, Eff."

Effy's gaze shifts down to Bricker, her voice flooding with emotion when she says, "There's something wrong with him, isn't there?"

Naomi instantly starts rubbing soothing circles on Bricker's back. "I'm sure he's fine. But, it's best that we've got it written down. Just in case, okay?"

Effy just nods sadly when he jumps down from Naomi's lap and rushes off out of the kitchen only to return seconds later with more cars, listing each one he brings like some kind of mantra.

Naomi hates the way Effy's eyes settle on hers a moment later; sharing a look that says they're just trying to fool themselves.

-----

They're outside having a sneaky smoke between lessons when Emily brings it up out of nowhere. "So, I was thinking, we should go out for dinner together this weekend." Emily sees the look of surprise on Naomi's face and smiles tentatively. "If you want to, that is."

Naomi doesn't answer straight away, makes sure to exhale the last of her cigarette slowly in order to give herself time to weigh out the obvious conflicting reasons as to whether she should or shouldn't agree. She finds herself biting at her lip and smiling nervously when she catches Emily's eye. "Not to be a dick here but don't you think it'd be a little weird, Em?"

Emily shakes her head with a grin; her eyebrow raised slightly. "I don't know. I guess it might be. This whole showing up in each other's lives again after seven years is a little weird... but, we're friends now, right? So, maybe it won't be so weird if we get together and go out for some food and a few drinks."

It makes Naomi's heart clench, the way Emily easily titles their new relationship; she runs the word 'friends' over in her head and tries not to think about the way it doesn't seem to fit right. It makes her remember that being friends is something that she and Emily have never really been.

They had been acquaintances and then Emily had kissed her during middle school and suddenly made them more than acquaintances but less than friends. The same pattern had occurred when they reached college- they'd been less than friends, but at the same time they'd ended up being so much more.

Naomi feels sick with the way her stomach seems to be twisting in on itself, wonders how it's possible that they've never had this before, this safe in-between stage where you go from not really knowing the person at all to learning nearly everything you possibly can about them without the complication of _feelings_, or whatever getting in the way.

She lets out a sigh and flashes a half smile at Emily, echoes, "Friends. Right. Of course. Dinner and drinks should be no problem then."

Emily's face lights up in response and she reaches out to run her fingers down Naomi's arm, says, "Eight o'clock on Saturday night? I'll meet you at that little Italian place you were telling me about the other day."

Naomi tries not to shiver at the contact, feels her skin prickling in the wake of Emily's fingers, and has to look away when she replies, "Eight p.m. Saturday night, at the Italian place. Sounds great."

Emily smiles at her quickly and then looks down at her watch, muttering something about having to go get some worksheets printed for her class and leaves Naomi with a quick wave before dashing back inside the school.

Naomi ignores the sound of the bell signalling the start of the next lesson and lights up another cigarette; leans back against the wall and lets her eyes flutter closed when she deeply inhales the hit of nicotine. Tries to figure out why never having been friends with Emily before leaves her feeling horribly out of sorts.

She thinks about Rachel, tries to conjure an image of her up in her mind, and wonders if she and Emily were friends before they got together. The thought that they might have been bothers Naomi deeply, leaves her feeling angry and...

_Cheated_, Naomi realises a second later.

A horrible amount of resentment sinks into her chest when Naomi realises that the only reason she and Emily weren't friends before was because of _her_ and her utter determination not to let Emily get too close.

-----

Naomi feels anxious from the moment she wakes up on Saturday morning.

Spends the majority of the day trying to ignore the horrible nervous fluttering that has settled deep inside her stomach; hates the way it seems to linger despite her best efforts to take her mind off of Emily and their non-date date.

Can't seem to stop herself from glancing at the clock every so often, watching as the second-hand ticks round and with every turn brings her a minute closer to her inevitable evening. Loathes how each little ticking noise sounds painfully like a life-altering countdown.

Doesn't want to think about why she's ended up wearing blue, tries to forget about the lust filled look that would immediately creep into Emily's eyes whenever she'd wear anything in that colour and how it would always be followed by the husky whisper of - "_blue brings out your eyes_" - a second before her lips were met with hungry kisses.

She ignores the once-over Effy gives her just before she heads out of the door, pretends she doesn't see the way her eyebrow was quirked or the knowing smirk that appeared on her lips before she'd silently waved her off.

Naomi doesn't have time to overanalyse whether or not she's too overdressed for dinner with a _friend_; she finds Emily already waiting inside the restaurant when she arrives, sitting tucked away at a table in a quiet corner.

Emily's eyes find hers, a smile sneaking onto her face, her tone disbelieving when she says, "You came."

Naomi's surprised to find that it still stings a little, the way that Emily still seems shocked whenever she sticks to her word, as if all that running she did at age sixteen has etched a hideous idea of her into Emily's memory.

"Of course I came. Why wouldn't I?" Naomi settles into the seat opposite, and offers a tentative smile. Feels tension creeping into her shoulders.

"No reason..." Emily averts her eyes for a split second before continuing, "I'm really glad you're here, Naomi."

She knows she probably shouldn't ask, has even had Effy remind her that it's none of her business anymore, but she can't stop the question from bubbling up in her throat and escaping out of her mouth. "Will Rachel not mind? You out for dinner with and ex, I mean?"

Naomi sees the way that the question seems to catch Emily off guard, watches as her eyes widen a fraction and her cheeks flush. Almost hopes that Emily will admit to their evening together being out of desire and not friendliness.

"She doesn't mind at all." Emily takes a sip of her water before beaming a smile at Naomi and saying, "Rachel actually thinks it's great that we're becoming friends again."

'_Of course she does,'_ Naomi thinks irritably, and tries not to roll her eyes. Forces a smile onto her face instead and hopes that Emily's ability to read her has dwindled slightly over the years. "Me, too. Tonight will be fun."

"Yeah, it will." Emily smiles at her again before passing her a menu. "Let's order. I don't know about you but I'm starving."

-----

Naomi's halfway through her desert when she reaches breaking point, can feel Emily's eyes on her again. Has tried her hardest to ignore the way she could feel Emily's heated gaze on her skin all night while they talked, but suddenly finds that she feels bashful under Emily's relentless staring, can't stop herself from looking up and quietly saying, "What?"

Emily shakes her head with a smile. "Nothing. I just..." She lets out an amused sigh as she trails off. Holds Naomi's eyes for a long moment before saying, "I can't believe I forgot how beautiful you are."

It makes Naomi's breath catch in her throat unexpectedly, her heart hammering wildly in chest. It's almost too much; the way Emily's eyes have softened as a small, sincere smile plays on her lips. It takes Naomi back to that mixed feeling of giddiness and shyness that Emily could always evoke from her with a single look.

She knows that her cheeks are probably colouring with a raging blush when she stutters back her reply of, "Me, too... I mean, I forgot- well, I didn't forget, but... fuck's sake." Naomi lets out a shaky breath to try and steady herself before continuing, "What I'm trying to say here is that you look gorgeous too, Em."

Emily lets out a breathy chuckle, grins teasingly and sarcastically replies, "You always did know how to give the best compliments, Naomi."

Naomi can't help but laugh in return, rolling her eyes and murmuring, "Fuck off."

It's much later, at the end of the night, when Emily hugs her goodbye, whispering into her ear that she's missed her before brushing a lingering kiss to her cheek, that Naomi suddenly wishes she could go back in time and change things so that she doesn't just have to live with _remembering_ how good actually being with Emily feels.

Wishes it wasn't too late to undo her mistakes.

-----

The next few weeks pass in much of the same way.

Spending time together with Emily outside of work becomes a regular thing.

Naomi can't quite decide whether their new found close friendship is a blessing or a curse. Thinks it's probably the latter with the way her heart threatens to explode out of her chest every time Emily so much as smiles at her.

Just hopes she can keep her feelings under control.

-----

The call comes as quite a shock.

Naomi's in the middle of teaching her lesson when the school's receptionist interrupts her class, pulling her aside with a hurried whisper that immediately puts her on edge.

She gets to Bricker's playgroup fifteen minutes later and finds Effy sitting on the curb next to her car, her shoulders hunched up tensely as she puffs away on a cigarette.

The first thing Naomi registers is the dark circles under Effy's eyes, wonders how she could have possibly missed them before, feels guilty a second later when Effy looks up at her and mumbles a quiet, "Sorry."

"Don't be so bloody stupid, Eff. I told you to call me whenever you need me."

Naomi leans down and looks into the backseat of Effy's car, sees Bricker strapped into his car seat and babbling away to himself about something. When she looks back up Effy's running her fingers carelessly through her hair, her nose and cheeks a noticeable shade of pink, which Naomi knows well enough to be the only indication that Effy's truly upset about something.

Effy offers her a broken smile, says, "Things haven't been going very well for him here over the last few weeks. This is like the tenth time that I've been asked to come and get him because he has trouble socialising with the other children and freaks out anytime they do something he doesn't like. I've made him a doctor's appointment; think it's about time I get him checked out."

Naomi lets out a sigh and takes a seat next to Effy on the curb. "Jesus, I knew he was having problems at home with us but... why haven't you said anything to me about this before?"

Effy averts her gaze, purses her lips together tightly before plainly stating, "You've been a little busy lately, Nae."

It's the way that Effy doesn't say it with any ounce of hurt or judgement that hits Naomi the hardest, makes her feel an overwhelming amount of shame and guilt. She knows that Effy would never ask her for anything unless she really had to, hates that she's let it get back to that stage where Effy feels like she has to apologise for needing her.

"I'm sorry." Naomi reaches for Effy's hand, gives it a squeeze until Effy turns to look at her. "Look, I know I've been a little absent lately, with Emily being here and all, but that doesn't mean that I'm not here for yo--"

Effy pulls her hand back with a glare. "Naomi, I don't need you to apologise. You don't owe me an explanation. Bricker's not your son and I'm not your responsibility. I just..." She lets out a deep sigh and shakes her head, pushing herself to her feet. "Just forget it, okay? I shouldn't have called you while you were at work."

Naomi's quick to catch Effy's arm and stop her from walking away, levels her with a stare when she says, "You're wrong. I do owe you an explanation. Bricker might not be my son and you might not be my responsibility, Eff, but you two are my family, okay? I love you guys more than anyone else in this world. Well, except my mum, I guess." She rolls her eyes and instantly sees Effy's lip twitch into a smile, and sobers herself before continuing, "And Emily being back doesn't change that, all right?"

Effy's silent for a second before she raises her eyebrow and asks, "Are you sure about that?"

Naomi nods her head, knows what Effy's trying to ask her between the lines. "You and Bricker are my number one priority."

Effy rolls her eyes, knows Naomi can see the real meaning behind it, and leans forward to press a kiss to the corner of Naomi's mouth. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She loops her arm around Effy's shoulders, leans their heads together and says, "Let's get our boy home, yeah?"

She feels Effy relax against her a second later, and knows she's not the only one thankful for the makeshift family.

-----

It starts off as a normal Friday night.

She meets Emily at the local bar, ends up surprised after only a few drinks when Emily suggests they hit the town and go clubbing with a "_let's get fucked up and dance like we used to_" that leaves Naomi feeling strangely wired and excited.

Emily orders them a row of shots at the bar as soon as they make their way through the crowd of dancing people, hands one to Naomi with a cheeky smile and says, "Cheers!" before downing her drink.

Naomi instantly feels the liquid burn down her throat, leaving behind a heated buzz that settles low in her stomach. She takes the hand Emily offers and allows herself to be pulled into the mass of people.

It isn't long before Naomi feels the familiar feeling of Emily's hands settling on her waist as they move together to the music; the gesture catches her a little off guard, but when Emily flashes a smile at her she relaxes in an instant, lets her tension drift away as she continues to dance.

She has to work hard to keep her breathing steady a moment later when Emily's fingertips move from her waist and dance along her arms, settling at the nape of her neck as their bodies brush together with each movement they make.

Naomi lets her eyes close, tries not to think about how each touch of Emily's skin against her own leaves her head spinning. When she forces herself to open her eyes after a few seconds, she finds Emily looking back at her, an unreadable expression on her face. She notices at once how Emily's eyes have turned a shade darker, her normally pale skin flushed in a heated pink, finds her eyes drawn down to her inviting lips--watches them glisten under the light as Emily's tongue darts out to moisten them.

It's almost enough to make her rock forward on her feet and close the distance between them, but when Emily pulls back from her a moment later with a blush it reminds Naomi instantly that her evening won't be ending with kissing Emily any time soon.

Emily clears her throat and nods her head in the direction of a dark haired guy. "I think you've pulled. That guy's been checking you out all night."

Naomi twists her head round to catch a better look at him, sees him smile at her and make he's way over to them. Turns back to Emily and carefully asks, "Do you mind?"

She sees Emily bite at her bottom lip briefly before shaking her head and quietly saying, "No, of course not. Have a good night."

It happens pretty quickly after that, the way Emily retreats to the bar and leaves Naomi alone to dance with the guy- Joe - and it doesn't take long before Naomi finds herself wrapped in strong arms and being kissed senseless by rough lips.

She catches Emily's eye as Joe leads her towards the exit of the club, mouths a quick goodbye at Emily with a forced smile and wonders briefly what it means that all she receives in turn is a feeble wave.

-----

Naomi sucks in a lungful of air as she tries to catch her breath; feels her chest rising and falling quickly, her body flushed and sweaty.

Joe slides back up from between her legs and hovers over her with a bemused smile. "Babe, as much as I love casual sessions in bed, and don't really give a fuck who you're thinking about, did you have to moan out a chick's name?"

Naomi feels her eyes widen, shoves at his shoulder and watches as he moves to lie next to her before replying irritably, "What are you talking about? I didn't."

"You did. Quite a few times actually..." Joe lets out a chuckle before miming, "_'Oh, Emily, fuck, that's it. Don't stops Ems.'_"

Naomi scowls, tries not to let him see the blush that she's sure has crept into her cheeks, and angrily shoves away the bedcovers, mutters, "Fuck you."

Joe watches as she dresses quickly, frowning he says, "Look I know this is none of my business but it sounds to me like you're wrapped up in this Emily lass pretty badly."

Naomi doesn't look at him when she says, "So? What's your point?"

"I'm just suggesting, that maybe you should do yourself a favour and tell her how you feel. Perhaps stop fucking guys while you think about her."

Naomi lifts her eyes to glare at him as she finishes putting on her shoes. "You know what? You were right. This is none of your business."

She hurries out of the room, slamming the door behind herself as she goes, stopping only for a moment to empty her stomach onto the street before wiping a shaking hand across her mouth and wondering how in the hell it's possible for Emily to have this much of an effect on her in such a short amount of time.

_I'm screwed_, Naomi thinks tiredly as she fails to shut out even more thoughts of Emily and carelessly waves her hand to signal the nearest taxi.

-----

She puts her phone on charge as soon as she gets home.

Feels another wave of nausea pass through her stomach when the screen lights up with three missed calls and a text from Emily that reads -_'Hope you got home okay. Call me later. E xxx'_. Instantly wishes the slight concern in Emily's message didn't make her feel guilty; chooses not to reply.

Effy wordlessly hands her a strong cup of coffee when she steps back into the kitchen half an hour later after having taken a shower to wash away the memories of the previous night.

Sinks down into one of the kitchen chairs and runs a hand through her damp hair, letting out a deep sigh before looking up to find Effy's eyes and whispering, "I think I'm falling in love with her again."

Effy purses her lips together in a tight smile, her forehead creasing with concern when she utters back a simple, "Just be careful, Naomi."

It leaves Naomi feeling worse.

-----

Monday morning comes round in a flash.

Naomi's busy handing over a report to the Headmistress about one of her more troublesome students when she catches sight of Effy and Bricker lingering by reception. Shoots them both a smile when she's done and waves Bricker over; bobbing down to greet him with a hug, "Hey, Brickster, you all right?" Bricker nods his head in response, not quite looking her in the eye. Naomi looks over his shoulder at Effy, asks, "His doctor's appointment go okay?"

"Not too bad. They ran a few more tests. Now we just have to wait for the results." Effy holds out her hand as Bricker huddles back up to her leg, his small hand sliding back into hers and gripping at it tightly.

"That's good. I hope the wait isn't too long."

Effy nods in agreement. "They said it'd take a couple of days, so..." Naomi watches as Bricker tugs at Effy's arm, signalling that he wants to be picked up. Effy rolls her eyes slightly but complies, sweeping him up to rest on her hip. "Anyway, we'd better let you get back to work. Just wanted to let you know how it went."

"Thank you." Naomi replies with a soft smile.

"We'll see you tonight then _darling_, okay?" Naomi rolls her eyes in amusement as Effy draws the word out, and smiles a second later when Effy unexpectedly plants a quick peck on her lips.

Naomi leans forward and presses a kiss to Bricker's head. "See you later, little man." She watches them go, smiling to herself when Bricker waves goodbye at her over Effy's shoulder.

"Hey."

She turns to find Emily looking at her with a slight scowl, something that looks a lot like anger glimmering on the surface of her eyes. Naomi forces a smile when she says, "Hey, Em, you all right?"

"I'm fine." Naomi tries not to flinch at the sharpness of her reply. "What was that about?"

Naomi's brow knits together with confusion. "What? Just now with Effy?" Emily nods her head, her eyes glaring. "It was nothing. She just wanted to know if I'd be home early tonight or not."

She instantly sees the way Emily's mouth drops open a little, her eyebrow quirking up before she heatedly asks, "Were you ever going to tell me that you _live_ _with_ Effy?"

"What? Of course I was." Naomi shrugs a little, trying to dislodge the tension she feels settling into her shoulders. "It just never came up, Em."

"_Never came up_?" Emily scoffs, her lip curling up slightly. "Fuck's sake, Naomi. I've been here for two and a half months and we hang out all the time. How could you _not_ bring it up?"

It takes Naomi by surprise, Emily's sudden outburst, makes her recoil and avert her eyes for a split second before feeling a wave of anger and defensiveness wash over her. Doesn't understand how Emily suddenly thinks she has the right to question anything about the way she lives her life when she's moved on with Rachel.

"Look, why are you getting so upset about this?" Naomi crosses her arms over her chest, narrows her eyes back at Emily. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you but we're just _friends,_ Emily, and my family have nothing to do with you."

Emily's eyes widen in shock, her face quickly changing from anger, to hurt and back to anger again before Naomi can even blink. She sees Emily's jaw set tightly, an irritated breath escaping out from between her lips before she storms off without another word.

-----

Naomi finds Emily leaning against her car when she finishes work later that afternoon.

Sees the way Emily bites at her bottom lip and timidly offers her a smile. "I'm sorry about before, Naomi. I overacted. I guess spending all this time with these bratty teenagers has finally rubbed off on me."

The way Emily tries to lighten the end of her apology makes any lingering anger flee from Naomi in an instant. A small smile plays across her lips when she says, "It's okay, Emily. Really. I probably should have brought it up at some stage but I really wasn't trying to be secretive about it."

"No, it's fine. You have every right to keep your private life private. I was just a bit... shocked. That's all."

"Why shocked?"

Emily shrugs a little. "Well, I just didn't get it at first but after I thought about it for awhile I can kind of understand how it would work. You and Effy." Emily looks away from her and nods her head to herself, before she continues, "Makes sense, I guess."

It makes Naomi laugh in confusion. "What the hell are you talking about, Em?"

Emily turns to look at her again with a puzzled expression. "Well, you spent the night with that guy, right?" Naomi nods her head, still not getting where the conversation is going. "But, you also called Effy and that little boy your family. So, call me stupid, but I'm guessing you two are kind of together, like in a no-strings attached way?"

It's the combination of the look of bewilderment on Emily's face and her own realisation of what Emily's actually trying to say that makes even more laughter bubble out of Naomi's mouth. "You've got this so wrong, Em. Effy's my best friend and that is her son Bricker. She got pregnant a few years back so I moved in to help for a while when he was first born. I just never moved out." She chuckles again when she says, "We've never slept together, not even close."

"Oh, but... she kissed you." Emily replies, uncertainty still lacing her tone.

Naomi rolls her eyes. "Jesus, you haven't changed." She shoots Emily an amused smile. "Not every kiss has to mean something, Ems. Eff was messing around. The kiss was totally harmless."

A moment of silence passes between them before Emily cringes and lets out a little laugh as it all dawns on her. "God, I feel like a right twat now."

Naomi smirks cockily. "You are… a bit."

Emily shoves playfully at her arm, still laughing when she mutters, "Bitch."

_Much better_, Naomi thinks, feeling as the tension lifts from between.

-----

She invites Emily over for coffee the following week. Thinks it's probably for the best that she make an effort to reintroduce Emily and Effy before things get any more complicated.

Emily's smiling when she opens the door, holds out a box of chocolate biscuits with a skittish smile. "I didn't know what to bring to a coffee date and, since it's too early to add alcohol into the mix, I thought these might go down better."

"Thanks, I guess." Naomi shakes her head with a smile, accepts the biscuits before stepping aside to let Emily in and leading her into the living room where Effy's sitting on the floor playing with Bricker and his cars.

Emily shuffles a tad uncomfortably behind Naomi before greeting Effy with a simple, "Hey."

Effy looks up and offers Emily a genuine smile in return. "Long time no see. How are you?"

"Good, thanks. You?"

"Not too bad. How's life in London treating you?"

Naomi uses the opportunity to scuttle off to the kitchen to make the coffee, returns a few moments later just in time to see Bricker showing Emily one of his cars. Catches Emily's eye and asks, "All right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for the coffee." Emily turns her attention back to Bricker. "You're gorgeous aren't you. Can I see your other car?"

Naomi watches Emily hold her hand out for the car, sees Effy's tense up out of the corner of her eye as Bricker ignores Emily's request and begins an unexpected, and verbose, speech about the universe's planets. She catches the smile on Emily's face , watches as she reaches out to ruffle Bricker's hair, hears herself and Effy basically shouting "_Don't_" a second before her hand almost comes into contact with him.

Emily pulls her hand back at once, looks up at them in bewilderment. Effy calls Bricker over to her, and throws an apologetic smile in Emily's direction before saying, "It's nothing personal. He just doesn't like to be touched by strangers."

Naomi senses Effy's uneasiness and turns to Emily with a small smile. "Sorry. I should have said something about it before. Bricker's… erm..." she lets herself trail off, not knowing how much she's aloud to say, doesn't know how comfortable Effy will be with her sharing private information about her son.

Emily doesn't seem to notice that she's left her sentence unfinished, is far too busy watching as Bricker tells Effy about the planets, showing her the pictures he's drawn for each one, as he rattles off a list of information. Emily breaks the silence a moment later, casually asks, "How long has he been diagnosed with Asperger's?"

The question makes Effy's eyes snap up to meet Emily's gaze, a look of surprise covering her face. "Recently. We got the final results back last Friday."

Emily catches Naomi looking at her, shock evident in her eyes and shrugs her shoulders with a small smile when Naomi asks, "How did you know that's what he had?"

"I recognised his behaviour." Emily shoots her and Effy a smile and continues, "One of our old friends has it."

It doesn't take long before the realisation sinks in on Naomi and Effy, both turning back to Emily and saying "JJ" like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

Bricker interrupts their moment by shuffling across the room and clambering onto Naomi's lap, snuggling himself into her side with a sleepy look on his face.

Effy watches as he dozes off into Naomi's embrace and purses her lips together with a frown when she turns back to Emily and says, "I'm not quite sure how to deal with this yet. He loves everything in routines and flips out when anything changes slightly. Not to mention the non-stop talking about the cars and planets he does."

"Plus, he's having trouble interacting at his playgroup already," Naomi chips in with a frown, wrapping her arm firmly around Bricker's tiny frame.

Emily takes a sip of her coffee, resting the cup on her lap when she's done. "Not to sound interfering but me and Jay are still good friends." Naomi winces a little at the memory of them together, but disguises her discomfort by turning her face away to look down at Bricker. "He works at a place for children who have autism and AS here in London, and I'm sure he'd love to catch up with you both and help in any way he can. I could call him if you'd like, set up a meeting?"

Effy nods her head a little wearily, her eyes never leaving her son when she replies, "Thank you. That'd be great, Emily."

-----

It almost feels like nothing's changed.

JJ greets them awkwardly, his eyes only really meeting Emily's as he stutters on about how much they've all grown up and how long it's been since he last saw them until Emily shouts his name to get his attention back.

The first thing Naomi notices is how he looks completely different, no longer the overly geeky teenage boy with big hair, but somehow taller, his body far more muscular and filled out than she remembers.

"Right, well, sorry about that. Still get locked on sometimes."

Emily places her hand on his arm and offers him a tender smile. "Don't worry about it, Jay. Just try and relax, yeah?"

Naomi lets Effy take them into the living room while she fetches a glass of mango juice for him - a request Emily had made the moment JJ had agreed to come and meet with them at the house.

JJ accepts the drink with a smile, downing the entire glass quickly, before placing it on the table and turning his attention to Effy. "Did you know that experts in population studies of Asperger's syndrome conservatively estimate that two out of every 10,000 children have the disorder, and that boys are three to four times more likely than girls to suffer with it?"

Effy looks up startled by the sudden onslaught of information being thrown at her, her shoulders hunching up tensely when she replies, "No, I didn't."

"Current research also points to brain abnormalities as the main cause," JJ continues, seemingly unfazed by Effy's obvious discomfort. "The defects are most likely caused by the abnormal migration of embryonic cells during fetal development that affects the brain structure and its essential wiring, and therefore goes on to affect the neural circuits that control thought and behaviour."

Naomi's thankful when Emily places a hand on JJ's knee a second later and says, "Jay, as much as I'm sure Effy's fascinated by the facts and statistics, maybe you could try keep it simple, yeah?"

JJ looks mildly self conscious before replying, "Yes, of course. I was just trying to explain that although scientists have always known that there has to be a genetic component to Asperger's and the other autistic disorders because of their tendency to run in families, a specific gene for Asperger's, has never actually been identified--"

"JJ--"

"Meaning that it's probably related but not entirely Effy's fault that Bricker suffers from it." JJ stops abruptly, blinking rapidly when he sees the look of horror on Effy's face. He turns his attention back to Emily. "I didn't stop, did I?"

Emily shakes her head. "No, Jay, you didn't."

He glances over at Naomi and sees the frown covering her face as well as Effy's. His hands immediately clench into fists and hit at his own leg when he starts rambling, "Babbling, bubbling, fucking, idiot, moron, fucktard--"

Emily reaches over and grabs one of his hands, tugging on it harshly until JJ looks at her. "JJ! It's all right. Calm down, okay?"

JJ nods his head meekly, turns to Effy with a frown, says, "Sorry, Effy. I wasn't trying to imply that his condition is your fault in anyway. I just- well, sometimes the facts just come into my head and I can't stop myself from rambling on."

Effy offers a smile back. "It's fine, JJ. Don't worry about it."

"Do you want me to go and get Bricker?" Naomi asks looking briefly at JJ and Emily before turning to Effy.

"That would be splendid." JJ smiles brightly, and Effy nods her head gently giving Naomi permission to go and fetch Bricker from his room.

She returns a few moments later with Bricker, one of his little hands wrapped loosely around her own while he carries one of his cars in the other. He immediately lets go of Naomi when he spots Effy and runs over to her saying 'Mummy' happily as he stands in front of her and shows off his car.

Effy looks over at JJ. "Just to warn you- he doesn't really like men very much. Any time I've tried to date over the past couple of years hasn't ended well. So I can only apologise if he doesn't respond well to you, Jay."

JJ nods his head and silently watches Bricker for a few moments before saying, "Would you mind if I tried to interact with him? I find the best way to approach young children with Asperger's is just to engage them with something they may find fascinating. My magic tricks normally act as an appropriate distraction while still keeping them interested."

"Sure. Why not?"

JJ stands quietly, gets a deck of cards out of his pocket and moves over to sit on the floor near to Bricker. They all watch with curiosity as JJ stays silent, shuffling his cards until Bricker turns to him, his eyes instantly drawn to the way the cards flip effortlessly between JJ's hands.

JJ looks up from his cards and smiles softly at Bricker. "Want to see the cards disappear?"

Bricker nods his head, his eyes never leaving the cards as he mumbles, "Yes please."

Naomi watches as JJ slides his hand over top of the pile of cards in one quick motion, cheesily saying "abracadabra" as the cards disappear without a trace. She sees Bricker's brow knit together with confusion as he reaches out to touch the palms of JJ's hands, looking for any signs of the vanishing cards.

Bricker turns to Effy a second later looking upset; his bottom lip quivering. Effy opens her mouth to say something to comfort him, and stops when she sees JJ shaking his head at her. "Bricker, want to see if we can get the cards to come back?" JJ asks patiently, watching as Bricker slowly turns back to face him, nodding his head. JJ beckons him forward with his hand and smiles at him. "I'm going to need your help with this one. Think you can handle that, Bricker?"

Naomi notices the way Bricker looks momentarily unsure and mentally braces herself for the fallout she's sure will follow. Catches Effy's gaze a second later and knows she's thinking the exact same thing. She lets out a deep breath when Bricker takes a step towards JJ and replies with a simple, "Okay."

JJ grins brightly. "Excellent. When I count to three, can you say 'abracadabra' for me?"

Bricker shrugs a little but eventually nods his head in agreement. JJ counts to three a second later, and Naomi watches as Bricker plays his part and mutters 'abracadabra'. Feels her mouth drop open in surprise when JJ magically pulls a single card from behind Bricker's ear.

JJ waves the card in front of his face, before saying, "Watch" and scrunching the card up, cupping it in his hands as he lifts it up to his mouth and blows a deep breath into them. A moment later he lowers his hands and opens them to reveal a little blue toy car.

"There you go." Bricker beams a smile at JJ and takes the car from his hand with a little laugh. Runs straight over to Effy and shows off his new toy.

Naomi smiles at JJ as he stands back up and sits back down next to Emily on the couch. She sees her smile mirrored on Effy's face and knows she's not the only one impressed with JJ's ability to deal with Bricker so well.

Effy looks over at JJ fondly and says, "I've never seen him that connected with a stranger before, especially a guy."

JJ blushes at her remark, and looks bashful when he replies, "Yes, well, I've been fortunate enough to have gotten a lot of experience working with the children at the centre I'm employed at. There are several different therapy types that Asperger sufferers can undergo. Have you considered getting Bricker to participate in any of them?"

Effy shakes her head, looking ashamed when she says, "This is all fairly new still, I haven't really looked into that sort of thing yet."

"Well, I suggest you get Bricker into them as soon as possible in order to achieve the best results. I think it would be in his highest interests if he took part in the training for his social skills so that he will have more success with effective interpersonal interactions." JJ pauses for a moment and blinks a few times before continuing, "It may also be beneficial to have him join the cognitive behavioural therapy class to help improve his stress management when it comes to relating to his anxiety or explosive emotions."

"Right."

Naomi can't help but notice the way Effy still looks bewildered by the whole thing, and immediately offers her a supportive smile. "It'll be okay, Eff. I'll help you sort it, all right?"

"And Jay will help you get Bricker a placement at the school, won't you?" Emily interjects.

JJ turns to Emily, and nods his head. "Of course. That shouldn't be a problem." He smiles at Effy again. "It may all seem a bit daunting now but the therapies will help him cope in later life and may even be able to help cut back on some of his obsessive interests and repetitive routines."

Effy lets out a shaky breath and smiles as JJ when she sincerely replies with, "Thank you."

When Emily and JJ leave a few minutes later, Naomi can't help but notice the glimmer of something that flashes in Effy's eyes as JJ stutters out his farewell before planting a rather unexpected kiss on her cheek.

_Fresh start_, Naomi thinks as she settles on the floor to play with Bricker. Catches sight of Effy smiling to herself and can't help but wonder if maybe both of the Stonems are in luck for a new beginning.

-----

Naomi takes Emily out for lunch a few days later.

"It's a thank you for helping out with Bricker," Naomi explains to Emily when she notices the questioning expression on Emily's face as they leave the restaurant.

"It was nothing," Emily replies with a smile, their shoulders brushing ever so slightly as they walk. "I'm just glad Bricker got on well with Jay. Hopefully being at the school will be good for him."

"I hope so, too." Naomi reaches out and gently tugs on Emily's arm just before they reach their cars. "Seriously though, thank you, it means a lot to me. And to Effy, obviously."

Emily's face softens when she says, "You're welcome, Nae."

Naomi feels something shift inside her chest at Emily's use of her nickname and gets the same fluttering sensation in her stomach just like the first time Emily ever called her it all those years ago.

She can't help but smile when she says, "That's the first time you've called me that since-- well, y'know, you walked back into my life."

Emily blushes at the realisation and is quiet for a moment before she replies, "It just felt right."

Naomi feels her breath lodge in her throat at the look in Emily's eyes. Manages a faint whisper of, "Yeah, it does."

Emily doesn't hesitate when she pulls Naomi into a hug; holding on a moment longer than she should before slowly pulling back.

Naomi can't help but notice the way Emily's smile slips when their faces end up closer than they should, Emily's warm breath tingling against her lips. It takes all of her will power to resist the urge to drop her eyes down to Emily's irresistible lips.

It feels like forever before Emily roughly clears her throat, essentially breaking the moment, and taking a little step back before rethinking her decision and pressing a kiss to Naomi's cheek.

Her voice comes out breathy when she murmurs, "Thanks for lunch, Nae."

It leaves Naomi lightheaded as she mutely nods her head and watches Emily slip into her car and drive away.

She finds herself closing her eyes when she lifts her fingers up to her lips, memorising the way Emily's lips had been so close to her own, and yet not quite close enough.

-----

"I don't think we've met, have we, sexy? New teacher?"

Naomi watches as Scott - one of the more annoying and repulsive students - leans casually against the wall next to the reception desk, and looks the woman up and down.

She sees the woman smile back at him, reaching a hand out to tweak his nose. "Let's keep it that way, all right, munchkin?"

Naomi chuckles to herself before walking over to them and narrowing her eyes at Scott. "Leave the poor woman alone, Mr. Walker. Otherwise, I'll add even more detention time onto the amount you owe me."

Scott glares at the woman for a second before muttering back an unconvincing, "Yes, Miss Campbell."

The woman turns her attention to her and looks at her curiously. "Are you Naomi Campbell?"

Naomi quirks her eyebrow up in question and lets out an unexpected breath, wondering how the hell this strange woman could possibly know her name. "Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but do we know each other?"

"I'm Rachel Lewis." She smiles brightly and holds out her hand before adding, "Emily's Rachel."

Emily appears from around the corner before Naomi can even think to progress this sudden, and quite unexpected introduction, letting out a happy squeal when her eyes land on Rachel. "I can't believe that you're finally here!" Emily says as she rushes over and envelops Rachel into a massive embrace.

Naomi feels like she's having an outer body experience as she watches Emily pull back from their hug and easily plant a lingering kiss on Rachel's lips. She feels her sick rise in her throat when Emily turns to her with a ridiculously sappy grin and says, "I see you two have already met."

She only has time to briefly nod her head before Rachel captures Emily's attention again. "Look, darling, I just dropped by to pick up my set of keys for the house. I'm tired and want to get some sleep before you get home from work."

Naomi watches as Emily digs into her pocket, pulling out a lone key and passing it over to Rachel with a smile, and has to try not to make a sound of disgust when Rachel takes the key with another kiss and uses her index finger to playfully flick Emily on the end of the nose in a revoltingly sweet gesture.

Emily smiles softly back at her and murmurs, "I'll see you tonight," before tugging Rachel down for a final kiss.

Rachel quickly says her goodbyes a second later and disappears from sight, leaving Naomi alone with Emily and the unnatural pain in her chest right above her heart.


	4. Emily's Interlude 1

**Emily's Interlude #1**: Nineteen //_I felt you in my life before I ever thought to. Feel the need to lay down beside you and tell you. "I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you". And now we're saying bye._\\

Emily's already crying by the time she gets home; her cheeks stained with makeup, her eyes red and puffy.

The moment she sets foot through the door she finds her parents waiting like predators to pounce, bombarding her with questions about where she's been, and whether she's been with '_that girl'_ again. She doesn't bother to answer, doesn't think she could respond even if she wanted to, chooses to ignore them in favour of heading straight up to her room and throwing herself down onto her bed; her face burying into her the comfort of her pillow.

She tries not to think about the way the fragrance of Naomi's perfume still lingers heavily in the material, invading her lungs with each breath she takes.

Fails miserably.

Her crying quickly turning into breathless sobs.

It feels like forever before she hears the bedroom door open, but she knows in reality it can only possibly be a matter of minutes since she arrived back home. She feels her mattress dip as Katie sits down perched on the edge of her bed, her hand reaching out and beginning to rub soothing circles on Emily's back.

Katie stays silent, doesn't ask about what's happened even when Emily doesn't offer up any answers.

There aren't any words that she could possibly say, and Emily knows that Katie understands completely when she gently prods her in the side after a few minutes when Emily's sobbing hasn't let up, getting her to shift over on the small single bed so that she can shuffle in behind her.

It makes her feel safe, grounded even, when Katie slides an arm around her and tugs her closer, holding on to her tightly.

When Emily finally stops crying, and closes her eyes, she thinks about all the times she's spent wrapped up in Naomi's arms this past year and wonders when love alone stopped being enough.

-----

Katie somehow convinces their parents not to accompany Emily to the train station the next morning.

She makes a point of playing the twin card, knowing that it will never fail to stop their mum from tearing up with a happy, albeit eye-roll inducing "_That's my little princesses_" and allowing them to share one final private sisterly moment together.

After a good few minutes of people watching, Emily catches the sympathetic smile on Katie's face, and lets out a sad chuckle. "I don't know why I'm looking for her."

It doesn't seem right somehow, saying Naomi's name, feels an awful lot like she's stopping herself from saying something forbidden. The thought of Naomi no longer being hers makes tears spring to her eyes, and she quickly wipes at them a before they get the chance to fall; doesn't want to fall apart anymore than she already has.

It comes as a bit of a surprise when Katie slides their hands together a second later and wordlessly entwines their fingers with a comforting squeeze. The gesture is enough to remind Emily of everything that has happened, and that in a few minutes time she will be leaving far more behind in Bristol than she ever intended to.

As if Katie can sense what she's thinking, she stares at Emily until she looks back at her and says, "She's doing the right thing by letting you go, Ems."

Emily glances over at her platform, sees the train arriving and turns to Katie with a disbelieving, "Yeah?"

Katie nods her head. "Yeah." She smiles softer than Emily can ever remember seeing when she stands up and pulls Emily to her feet, motioning her head in the direction of the train. "Now get your arse on that train and go and, like, live your life in Sheffield to the fullest, yeah?"

She can't help but look over Katie's shoulder, checking one last time for any sign of Naomi's peroxide hair. She tries not to let herself well up again when she sees her pained expression mirrored on Katie's face. Pathetically murmurs, "Without her."

It's meant to be a question but it comes out sounding more like a statement, as if she doesn't really need Katie's reassurance, already knows the answers herself.

Katie purses her lips together for a second before reaching out and tucking a stray piece of hair back behind Emily's ear. "If you and Naomi are meant to be, then you'll find each other again, Ems."

Emily hates that it's probably the nicest thing that Katie has ever said about her and Naomi, wishes it didn't have to be a comment that comes as the result of them ending. She can't help a smile when she lightens the mood and teases, "Wow, who knew Katie Fitch was a romantic?"

"Fuck off!" Katie says shoving at her shoulder. Emily's sure that on any other day it would have been said as a vicious retort, but when Katie laughs a second later with a smile, Emily knows there's nothing but unconditional love between them.

When Katie presses a kiss to her cheek and hugs her tightly one last time before she gets on the train Emily can't help but notice how it's briefly taken her mind off of the gaping hole in her heart where Naomi should be.

Hopes for once that Katie will be right.

-----

On her first night in Sheffield, once she's tucked in bed, Emily reaches for her mobile phone and types out her usual goodnight text message to Naomi without thinking. Signs it with a heartfelt "_I love you_" followed by a dozen kisses. Only remembers a moment before she's about to hit send that she can't anymore.

Cries herself to sleep with the phone still held tightly in her hand.

-----

It takes a few weeks for Emily to adjust to life at university.

She feels a little odd at first, just being known as Emily Fitch and not Emily as part of _Katie and Emily_ or _Emily and Naomi_, no one there to constantly point out to everyone that she's the shy twin, or the gay one.

She has to practice her new introduction over in her mind - _Emily Fitch, eighteen, gay, from Bristol, studying English_ - wants to make sure that she gets it all out there so that she doesn't have to spend the next three years trying to hide away any secrets.

She isn't really sure how she's supposed to start being outgoing when all she's ever been is a shadow, thinks it's best if she just puts herself out of her comfort zone and take a chance for once.

When Freshers' week comes and goes in the blink of an eye, leaving behind a new group of friends for her, Emily couldn't be more pleased that she's started to shed some of her old skin.

Thinks that maybe this is her chance for a fresh start.

-----

All it takes is a flash.

She's out with her friends at a club when she catches sight of it out of the corner of her eye.

Bleached hair.

It makes Emily almost dizzy with the way her eyes seem trained to the girl as she dances about. Makes her falter completely when the girl catches her looking and all Emily can think about is the blue of her eyes.

She doesn't waste any time after that. Introduces herself with a small smile and an offering of a drink, which the girl, Heather - and Emily has to focus hard to not let the small details that make her resemble Naomi blur her judgement too much - accepts gladly, flirtingly running a hand up Emily's arm.

It happens rather quickly after that, the way Emily feels consumed by the deep blue pools staring back at her, can't restrain herself from closing the small distance between them and kissing Heather deeply.

The first thought that comes into Emily's head, as Heather grips at her waist and tugs her closer, is how she doesn't taste the familiar flavour of cherry. Finds her tongue occupied instead with vanilla.

The second comes the moment they break apart when Emily opens her eyes to find Heather already drinking some kind of fancy martini instead of the simple glass of cider that Naomi would normally be sporting.

It makes Emily physically recoil with guilt, seeing the smudged red lipstick around Heather's mouth. Makes her remember all of the times she'd had to thumb away the remains of Naomi's lipstick from around her own mouth after one of their after school heavy make out sessions before rushing home in time for dinner with her parents, hoping that they wouldn't question the flush on her cheeks.

She doesn't bother to offer any kind of explanation as she leaves, just knows that she has to get out of the club and away from Heather as fast as possible.

Tells herself that the reason she's crying has nothing to do with how much she misses Naomi.

Fails wretchedly.

-----

It happens on Emily's nineteenth birthday.

She feels something prickling her skin long before she looks up to find hazel eyes staring back at her.

She tries to not pay attention to the girl's relentless gaze, but feels herself blushing from the attention she's receiving anyway. Eventually dares a look in the girl's direction only to be caught and flashed a shy smile.

Emily knows it's been far too long since someone's looked at her like that, all beautifully timid and openly appreciating. It makes her smile back, her heart rate picking up when the girl's smile widens and she beckons Emily over with a small wave.

She feels Tim - her adorable but totally camp best friend - bump his shoulder against hers, giving her a sly smile and a not so subtle nod of the head when he says, "Looks like little Fitch has found herself an admirer. Will there be any signs of you actually pulling tonight and celebrating your birthday in style?"

"Maybe." Emily smiles teasingly at him as she bumps their shoulders together again before getting up and making her way over to the girl. Holds her breath and hopes that the fluttering she feels in the pit of her stomach when their hands touch is a good sign.

And later that night, when Emily finds herself drifting off to sleep snuggled into the side of a feminine body, she realises it's the first time in a long time that she hasn't wished the girl next to her was Naomi, thinks it must be the final stage of letting go.

-----

University comes and goes in the blink of an eye.

-----

Emily lets out a deep sigh and tiredly runs her hands over her face; her fingers weaving through her hair and leaving it looking rather wild. She waves her empty glass up at the guy behind the bar and asks, "Excuse me, can I get another glass of white wine, please?"

The bartender places the glass down in front of her a second later and she fumbles through her bag looking for some cash, lets out an irritated "Fuck's sake" when she can't find her purse.

"Here, let me get that for you."

Emily looks up to see a tall, dark-haired woman with green eyes handing over some money to the bartender. "That's very kind of you. Thank you."

The woman smiles at Emily as she slips down onto the stool next to her, says, "Not a problem. You look like you've had the kind of day where wine is essential."

Emily lets out a chuckle. "You could say that." She reaches for her wine and smiles at the woman. "I'm sorry; I don't think I got your name."

"Rachel," the woman replies, offering her hand.

Emily feels her skins tingle when their hands connect, feels momentarily distracted by the sensation before recovering quickly. "Emily."

Rachel takes a sip of her wine and eyes Emily with a curious smile. "So, Emily, what is it that's caused this need for wine: work or love?"

Emily lets out an amused breath. "Most definitely work. My love life is currently nonexistent."

She sees something glimmer in Rachel's eyes when she murmurs, "Good." Feels herself blushing a second later and briefly averts her eyes.

"What is it that you do?" Rachel asks.

"I'm a teacher," Emily says taking a large sip of her wine before adding, "And tonight was parent's evening."

Rachel laughs, waves her hand dismissively with a smile. "Ah, say no more."

"Exactly."

The ringing of a phone cuts through the moment and Rachel smiles apologetically at Emily as she grabs her phone out of her bag and answers the call. She looks back at Emily when she's finished with her call, regretfully says, "I have to go, but..." Emily watches as she routes around in her purse before producing a pen and reaching for Emily's hand, scribbling down her number on Emily's palm. "If you feel the need to relax with more wine and a meal over the weekend, give me a call."

Emily finds herself swallowing hard when Rachel lifts her hand up to her mouth and blows gently against her skin to dry the ink. Manages to murmur back a shy, "Okay."

Rachel stands, throwing her bag over her shoulder and smiling sexily when she says, "It was very nice meeting you, Emily."

Emily watches Rachel leave, her eyes trained to the sway of her hips until she's gone from her sight completely. She glances down at her hand muttering a quiet, "Yeah. You, too." Feeling as her heart skips a beat.

-----

Emily doesn't know how it happened so fast.

Just knows that one date turned into two, and two quickly progressed to three, and before she could even begin to think about what was happening she was in a relationship that made her ridiculously happy.

Thinks herself lucky to have found someone so unexpectedly.

-----

Emily feels nervous when she picks Katie up from the train station.

Feels the dread settling into the stomach the closer they drive to her apartment and just hopes that Katie won't revert to her old defensive ways when she introduces her to Rachel. Doesn't want to spend the entire time that Katie's in Sheffield fighting about who she's dating.

When Rachel goes to make them a second cup of coffee, Katie leans into her and whispers, "I like her a lot. She's got, like, well decent fashion taste. She's definitely a keeper, Ems."

Emily lets out a deep sigh of relief when Rachel walks back into the room a moment later and watches as she and Katie engage in some kind of conversation about the shoes she's wearing.

She wonders briefly what it means that she feels a pang of disappointment that Katie doesn't instantly dislike her and tries to convince herself that it's a good thing that the people she cares about the most are getting along.

-----

"I love you."

Emily looks up from her book and stares back at Rachel in surprise, doesn't know where this sudden confession has come from. Sees the adoring look on Rachel's face and forces her lips to twist up into a smile.

Rachel moves the book out of her hands and kisses her slowly, pulls back and whispers it again.

She sees the expectant look in Rachel's eyes and finds the words spilling out of her mouth before she even has a chance to think about them. "I love you, too."

Rachel smiles beautifully at her. Then, kisses her deeply again before standing up and holding her hand out with a cheeky smile, leading Emily into the bedroom with a mixture of determination and desperation.

Emily doesn't sleep that night, lays awake and thinks about blue eyes. Wonders how it's possible to still be haunted by something she thought she'd let go of a long time ago.

Feels her stomach knot when Rachel reaches for her in her sleep and snuggles into her closer.

Forces herself to shut her eyes and wills herself to think of the present and not the past.

-----

Rachel looks both excited and nervous when she opens the door. "I got offered a promotion," she blurts out before Emily even has a chance to greet her.

Emily sees the smile on Rachel's face and pulls her into a hug, says, "That's great, babe. I'm really pleased for you."

It's only then that Rachel pulls back and looks a bit skittish. "It is great, really great. But, the promotion means I have to move to another branch... to London."

Emily doesn't say anything for a few seconds, just manages a frown when the realisation of what Rachel's saying begins to sink in. "So, this means you're moving, right? To London."

Rachel smiles timidly but nods her head. "Yes." She sees Emily's face fall and reaches for her hand. "I want you to come with me, Emily."

Emily looks back at her in disbelief. "What?"

"Come to London with me." Rachel pauses and lets out a shaky breath. "Look, I know we haven't talked about moving in together, but I don't want us to end just because I have to move... So, come to London and move in with me. It'll be a fresh start for us both."

Emily bites at her bottom lip for a moment before breaking out into a smile and saying, "Yes."

Rachel pulls her in for a kiss and smiles happily at her. "We're moving to London."

"Yeah, we are," Emily echoes back, and tries to tell herself that the thought of Naomi still living there isn't part of the reason she's agreed to go.

-----

They go to London the following weekend.

Rachel arranges for them to take a look around a few houses and Emily finds herself feeling oddly relieved when they fall in love with the third house they look at. Is thankful that they don't have to spend any more time travelling around London and listening to their boring realtor explain the tiniest details of every property they visit.

Emily arranges interviews at a bunch of the local secondary schools and hopes to god that the children in London aren't as misbehaved as some of the reports make them out to be.

She feels a little odd about starting her life over in London without Rachel for the first couple of months, just hopes that she fits in with the people and feels at home in London more than she ever did in Bristol.

-----

It knocks the air out of her lungs and leaves her struggling for breath.

Emily has to force herself to breathe and not stop dead in the hallway when she sees Naomi looking back at her with an equally shocked look.

She tries to mask her surprise before Mrs. Burton introduces them, doesn't want to make this whole encounter any stranger than it already is. Feels like she's in some momentary dream world where her mind is just playing tricks on her.

Naomi's fingers twitch against her own when they shake hands and Emily can't help but notice the surprised flush creeping up Naomi's neck and spreading onto her cheeks. When their eyes lock a second later, Emily instantly feels like she's drowning, knows there's no other blue in the world that could have this sort of effect on her.

Thinks back to what Katie said all those years ago at the train station and wonders if it holds any truth now that Naomi's standing in front of her.

-----

Emily can't quite put her finger on what's different between her and Naomi.

Just knows that if feels a lot like something they could've had together had they not had such a tainted beginning with her impulsive middle school kiss. Wonders how different things would have been if Naomi hadn't been so scared back then and whether or not she's just as scared of love now.

She doesn't really know, but hopes she's not.

-----

She's on her way to make some photocopies when she catches them.

Sees the way the shorter girl tugs on the back of the taller girl's neck and draws their lips together in a heated kiss, the force of their bodies banging loudly against the metal of the lockers as they lose themselves in each other.

Naomi appears a second later from her classroom, the loud clatter of the lockers obviously drawing her attention, too.

Emily knows that she should play her part as the teacher and tell the girls to get back to their lessons, throwing in a detention for good measure, but she can't help the way the scene in front of her feels so familiar. It draws her back in time, makes her remembers breathless whispers between desperate kisses, and the feel of silky, blonde hair beneath her fingertips.

When she looks back up she finds Naomi staring at her, a faint blush covering her cheeks and knows at once that she's not the only one reliving a part of their past. Naomi glances back at the girls briefly before flashing Emily a soft smile and disappearing back into her classroom without a word.

Emily watches the girls for a few more seconds and then turns around and walks back in the direction she came.

_The photocopies can wait_, she thinks, knowing full well that love can't.

-----

It bothers her more than it should. More than it has any right to.

She doesn't want to know why it makes her chest clench painfully to see Naomi laughing and smiling with Effy and the little boy, can't explain why watching Effy lean forward and planting a kiss on Naomi's lips leaves her feeling like she's been sucker punched in the gut.

She feels unexpected anger building inside of her and setting her skin on fire at the idea of any woman other than her touching Naomi in any way.

Has to squeeze her eyes and bite down hard on her bottom lip to keep herself grounded.

Wishes it didn't all leave her feeling like she's been so easily replaced in Naomi's life.

-----

There's something about seeing it that makes Emily's heart melt.

It starts with the way Naomi looks completely at ease and relaxed when Bricker clambers onto her lap and snuggles his body into her side.

She sees Naomi's arm wrap around him a second later and can't tear her eyes away from the adoring look that appears on Naomi's face as she looks down at Bricker with a soft smile.

It's such an open look of affection that Emily can't quite believe it.

Leaves her wondering when Naomi stopped being so afraid of letting herself feel.

-----

She calls JJ up the moment she gets home and explains to him about Bricker.

"Are you sure about this, Emily? Because Naomi doesn't like me very much considering that I had sex with you while you two were together- Well, not really together but seeing each other. And, Effy never really liked me to begin with. In fact, I actually found her rather scary but I mostly think that was because she never really said anything. Did I ever mention that thought I loved her at one stage--"

"JJ, shut up." Emily smiles into the phone when she hears JJ's stuttered apology about his nervous rambling. "Look, it'll be fine. I promise. And it's not like I won't be there, too." She hears JJ let out a shaky breath. "They really need your help, Jay. Please do this for me."

There's a pause on the other end of the phone before JJ says, "Fine, I'll do it. But, tell Naomi I'll need some mango juice to keep my nerves in check. Although Effy may remember that I have a liking for it since she had to fetch me some at her house when I blurted out that I loved her too--"

"Jay," Emily interrupts rolling her eyes with a smile. "Consider it done, okay."

-----

Naomi hugs her back just as tightly and Emily feels her eyes fluttering closed when she feels Naomi breathing her in.

It makes her dizzy, her knees feel weak, and her body only remains upright thanks to Naomi's embrace. Emily pulls away from their hug, knows she can't remain in Naomi's arms for fear that she'll melt completely.

She sees Naomi's eyes, wide and darkening, their faces closer than they should be. It makes Emily's breath catch, her eyes feeling hooded as Naomi's warm breath tickles against her lips, and leaves her feeling nervously lightheaded.

She sees it then, the glimmer of something in Naomi's ever darkening eyes, knows instantly that Naomi's moments away from losing control and kissing her. It only takes a flash of Rachel to appear in her mind to break the spell between them.

Emily clears her throat and forces herself out of Naomi's arms entirely, stepping back to briefly kiss her cheek; soft skin lingering beneath her lips before she slips into her car and drives away.

Her knuckles whiten as she grips tightly at the steering wheel, and Emily tells herself it has nothing to do with keeping her hands from shaking uncontrollably.

-----

Rachel settles into life in London effortlessly.

She tries to make up for all the time they've been separated over the last three months and, as happy as Emily is to see her, she can't help but notice the uncomfortable twinge that's settled into her chest. Doesn't understand how every moment with she's spends with Rachel somehow leaves her feeling a little empty and questioning whether what they have is enough.

The answer comes rather abruptly.

Rachel kisses her quickly, pulling her in for a hug goodbye as she drops her off at work, and when she looks over Rachel's shoulder and accidentally catches Naomi's eye - Naomi smiling beautifully back at her - it sets something twisting in her stomach.

_Oh_, Emily thinks when she feels her heart flutter a second later.

Knows without a doubt that she's heading directly towards trouble.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:** I Saw //_I forget about you long enough. To forget why I need to._\\

It's painful in ways Naomi never thought possible.

She doesn't understand how one split second moment can leave her feeling so utterly defeated; her heart aching unbearably every time she lets herself think about it.

Every time thoughts of Emily develop in her mind, she finds a consistent throbbing settling into her head and acting like a constant reminder of what's real; that Rachel does actually exist and isn't just part of some awful nightmare she's had every time she's dreamt of herself and Emily getting back together.

_It was the kiss_, Naomi realises later that night, as she lies awake in bed unable to sleep, that finally confirmed Rachel to be real. Shifts over in her bed and presses her face into her pillow, knows now that Emily can't belong to her ever again.

Tries not think about why that thought leaves her feeling empty.

-----

Naomi doesn't know what to expect when Effy suggests it.

She feels a wave of nervousness settle into the pit of her stomach when Effy leads her into the building and to the play area of the school. JJ catches sight of them and waves briefly before returning his attention back to the children.

Naomi feels momentarily sick when she catches sight of Bricker sitting by himself and playing with his cars, instantly finds Effy holding onto her arm to stop her going over to him with a firm shake of her head.

"He's fine, Nae. I promise." Effy says as she leads her over to sit down on the chairs.

Naomi frowns in response but does as she's told. Her eyes instantly going back over to Bricker the moment they're seated. She sees it then, the way JJ beckons Bricker over to join him, watching with slight disbelief as Bricker stands without hesitating and walks over to him.

It takes her by surprise completely, the unexpected lump that lodges in her throat and the tears stinging at her eyes, when Bricker laughs at whatever JJ's said and joins in with the other children playing with the building blocks; his toy car long forgotten.

She feels Effy's hand slip into hers with a comforting squeeze a second later.

When she finally comes down from her initial shock and opens her mouth to say something she's stopped by Effy's understanding smile and simple, "I know."

Naomi knows there isn't any more either of them could possibly say to describe how special it is to see Bricker interacting with other children. Feels the way pride combusts in her chest and spreads throughout her entire body and can't even begin to contemplate how this must be making Effy feel.

JJ brings Bricker over to them with a smile on his face ten minutes later. "We had a very enjoyable day today. Didn't we, Bricker?"

Naomi watches with a smile as Bricker's face lights up while he nods his head in response to the question, his little hand remaining happily in JJ's grasp as his eyes shift to look at the colourful posters behind their heads.

"It's time for you to go home with your Mummy and Naomi now." JJ extends his hand towards Effy and gently slips Bricker's little hand into hers.

Naomi bobs down and holds her arms out to Bricker catching his attention. "Hey, Brickster, have you had a good day playing with JJ?" Bricker drops Effy's hand and moves into her arms, giggling as she presses playful kisses all over his face.

She listens as Bricker starts telling her about some of the cars the other children had, doesn't bother to pay much attention while Effy and JJ talk, but finds herself discreetly glancing up at them the moment JJ starts paying Effy a compliment.

"Yes, well, I just wanted to say that you look very pretty today." Naomi sees the pink blush that rapidly appears on JJ's cheeks as he finishes talking, his eyes widening at the realisation of what he's just said and immediately trying to backtrack. "That's not to say that you don't look as pretty on any other day... It's just today you look rather more lovely with your hair up and-- buggering hell, I'm such a moron, silly idiot, babbling fool, stup--"

"It's okay." Effy reaches out and places her hand on his arm, getting him to stop his rambling at once. She smiles shyly, "Thanks, Jay."

Naomi can't help but notice the way Effy's hand lingers on JJ's arm much longer than necessary, or the way JJ smiles softly back at her in a way that can only be described as 'adoring'.

It's only when they head back to the car a few minutes later, and Naomi sees the smile still evident on Effy's lips, that she makes a mental note to find out more about what's going on.

-----

It starts like any normal Sunday morning.

They head to their local _Tesco_ to get in their weekly shopping, Bricker happily holding Naomi's hand while Effy pushes the trolley and marks things off their list.

She's busy picking Bricker up and swinging him up onto her hip when she hears the clatter of metal crashing together and Effy profusely apologising to whoever's trolley she's knocked into. When she looks up she feels all the air leave her lungs as she sees Emily and Rachel laughing giddily together in between kisses.

Brown eyes lock onto hers a second later and Naomi watches as Emily tenses in Rachel's arms, quickly pulling away slightly from her and forcing a smile in their direction, muttering, "Hey."

Naomi's thankful when Effy cuts the silence with a greeting of her own. "Shopping day for you guys too, huh?"

Emily nods awkwardly as Rachel smiles and nudges her in the side, says, "Aren't you going to introduce me to everyone properly, babe?"

Emily lets out a strained chuckled. "Of course. This is Effy and Bricker, and you've already met Naomi."

Effy offers up a smile. "Nice to finally meet you."

Naomi smiles tentatively back, tries not to roll her eyes in disgust, and settles for nodding her head silently in greeting instead.

Rachel looks over at Bricker in her arms and then back at Effy. "I must say, you guys are an adorable family."

_What a surprise_, Naomi thinks irritably as she glances at Effy and bites at her bottom lip to keep from laughing, sees her bemused expression mirrored on Effy's face. Briefly wonders just how much Emily's really been telling her.

Emily's quick to cut in before either of them can say anything. "Actually they're not a couple, Rach. Bricker is Effy's son."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Rachel apologises. "I didn't mean to jump to conclusions. You just look good together, that's all."

Naomi almost snorts and barely manages not to roll her eyes as Effy shakes her head dismissively. "Don't worry about it." Naomi sees her glance over at Emily briefly. "Apparently people make that mistake quite a lot."

Emily looks away from Effy's gaze as Rachel turns her attention to Naomi. "Emily's told me a lot about you."

Naomi lets out a nervous laugh, hopes the words 'I fucking hope not' don't tremble out of her lips as she feels Emily's eyes fall onto her, and finds that she's unable to make herself look back. "All good, I hope."

Rachel smiles brightly. "I'm really looking forward to getting to know you for myself." Naomi doesn't know why her words leave her feeling exposed, as if Rachel can already sense how she's feeling about Emily, but it makes her look away. "You guys should come over to our place for dinner once I'm all unpacked and settled in properly."

"That'll be great." Effy says politely before turning to look at Naomi apologetically.

Emily stares at her for a moment longer before she slides her hand into Rachel's and Naomi feels her skin prickling underneath her gaze, doesn't understand how she can make her feel so much with one stupid look. "Come on. We better finish up with our shopping." Naomi watches as Emily moves Rachel away from them with a quick goodbye all the while unable to look her in the eye.

"You okay?"

Naomi draws her eyes away from Emily's retreating form and purses her lips together when she meets Effy's gaze. "Just peachy, thanks."

When Effy smirks back at her Naomi knows she can easily see through her lies.

Hopes Emily and Rachel can't read her as easily.

-----

She finds the question slipping out of her mouth before she can stop herself. "So, how are things now Rachel's actually here in London?"

Emily looks up at her from her paperwork, surprise evident in her voice when she says, "Erm… good, thanks. She's still settling in at work so I haven't really seen much of her."

_Yeah right_, Naomi thinks as she bites the inside of her lip. "She likes the new law firm better the than the one she was working at in Sheffield, then?"

Emily finishes writing something on her paper as she replies, "Yeah, I think so."

It goes quiet after that, almost uncomfortably so, until Emily moves from her seat and heads over to the bookshelf. Naomi watches as Emily scans all of the books there until she stumbles across the one she wants, pushing herself up onto her tip-toes as she reaches her arm out to try and grab it.

Naomi smiles to herself as Emily makes several attempts to reach for the book and fails, can't stop her eyes from being drawn to the way Emily's shirt rides up with every lunge she makes- exposing the smooth skin of her lower back- has to curl her hand into a fist to stop herself from wanting to reach out and trail her fingertips across it.

She doesn't know how it happens, doesn't remember moving from her seat, just finds herself standing closely behind Emily, breathing in the smell of her hair as she reaches up her arm, her hand gently brushing against Emily's own as her fingers stretch out and curl around the spine of the book while she begins to pull it down from its place on the top shelf.

When Naomi loses her footing and stumbles forward slightly a second later she hears Emily's breath catch, becomes incredibly aware that she's accidentally pushing her chest into Emily's back, and finds that her eyes instantly flutter shut at the tingling sensation of their bodies being pressed so closely together. Neither of them makes any attempt to move; frozen in place by what exactly Naomi's not sure, just knows that being so close to Emily is making her lightheaded.

It feels like forever before she finally hears Emily breathing normally again, forces herself to step back and create a little distance between them before Emily turns round and accepts her offer of the book with a barely visible smile.

Naomi feels a shiver shoot up her spine when Emily murmurs a ridiculously husky "Thanks" at her, and wishes that her mouth didn't feel unexpectedly dry when replies back with a brokenly quiet, "You're welcome."

When she sees Emily's eyes drop briefly down at her lips, she has to dig her fingernails into the palms of her hands to stop herself from pulling Emily towards her and fusing their mouths together. But whatever Emily had been thinking about doing quickly disappears, her eyes sobering the moment they lock back on to Naomi's.

She waves the book a little awkwardly between them, not looking at Naomi when she says, "I better get back to my work."

"Of course." Naomi agrees as she steps aside and lets Emily get past her, both mindful not to let their bodies touch again.

She closes her eyes then and counts slowly to ten in her head, hopes by the time she's finished her mind will stop torturing her with the memories of all the times Emily's naked body had been pressed against her own.

Hopes Emily won't know what she's thinking about when she turns round and see the heated flush on her cheeks.

-----

"My mum called with some exciting news yesterday." Naomi says as blows across the top of her coffee.

It's one of those rare occasions where they've managed to sneak out from the school to enjoy their lunch hour at the coffee shop just around the corner. It seems easier somehow, being surround by other people, doesn't leave Naomi feeling like she's a second away from losing control and blurting out something she'll regret.

Emily smiles back at her. "Oh? How is Gina?"

"Annoying as always." Naomi rolls her eyes even as Emily shakes her head at her. "But very happy now that Kieran's finally gone and proposed."

Emily eyes widen a little even as she breaks out into a happy smile. "That's great news! I'm so pleased for them both. You must be, too."

"I would be more pleased if it didn't mean that I'm bound for a hideous bridesmaid dress." Naomi scoffs.

Emily laughs, a cheeky grin materialising on her face when she says, "Now that's something I have to see."

Naomi flips her off even as she says, "Unfortunately for me, you will be able to see. They're getting married next month and mum wants me to invite you and JJ now that we're all friends again." She sees Emily's smile falter a little and quickly adds, "You're welcomed to bring Rachel, of course." Tries to lighten the mood again by adding, "I think mum's dying to see what you've upgraded to."

"Don't say that." Emily interjects, stopping Naomi mid chuckle. There's something sad that emerges in Emily's eyes and Naomi can't help but feel guilt creeping into her body. It makes her look away from Emily's gaze, the familiar sensation of being ashamed of herself making itself known once again. Emily reaches for her hand a second later and forces their eyes to meet, smiles softly when she says, "Tell Gina I can't wait to see her."

Naomi rolls her eyes and pulls her hand away from beneath Emily's before she does something stupid. "I can't believe you two used to get on so well. It was so irritating."

Emily smirks. "Yeah, well, she was always nicer to me than my own mother. Plus, we bonded over how much of a twat you could be sometimes."

"Fuck off." Naomi retorts with a smile knowing it's meant as a joke.

"Whatever, Campbell, you know it's true. You were a bitch back when we were teenagers. Admit it." Emily teases, her eyebrow quirking up as she waits for a response.

Naomi laughs. "Fine. Adolescence wasn't my finest moment in time, as you so obviously remember from all the suffering I caused you."

"I guess it was punishment for a good reason in the end though. Made us both realise we weren't meant to be." Emily says lightly, catching Naomi off guard and making her chest tighten up unexpectedly.

She doesn't know how it's all gone from being a joke to feeling like something else completely, can feel her stomach twisting in on itself and making her feel physically sick. Emily's smile falls a second later when she witnesses the colouring draining quickly out of Naomi's face.

It's only then, when she hears her name fall from Emily's lips that she feels herself snapping out of her haze. "Naomi--"

"I can't believe you think that we weren't meant to be." Naomi murmurs disbelievingly, the words tripping from her mouth as she mentally scolds herself for being stupid enough to bring up a period of time that that was bound to do nothing but bring up painful memories and new truths.

She feels Emily reach for her hand a second later and instantly tries to pull it away only to be stopped by Emily's fingers curling tightly around her own. "No. Look at me, Naomi." Emily tugs on her hand again until Naomi relents and looks back at her. "That wasn't what I meant, okay?" Naomi shrugs sullenly. "It just wasn't the right time back then, yeah?"

"I suppose." Naomi responds hesitantly even though her heart feels like its shattering in her chest all over again.

"Think about it, Nae. I had just admitted to myself that I was gay and was pretty certain that I loved you from that moment I first laid eyes on you." Naomi feels herself smiling a little when Emily brushes the pad of thumb across the back of her hand as she continues, "Since that first sneaky kiss back in middle school."

Naomi laughs a little, remembering back to the lame party and how she'd gotten drunk rather pathetically on three glasses of cheap wine before Emily found her in the garden and kissed her chastely. "You did just plant one on me for no reason."

Emily shakes her head with a sincere smile. "Not true. I've never kissed you without a reason." Naomi feels herself blush a little, wishes that Emily's words didn't make her stomach flutter. "Back then, I was ready to love you and scream it out to the world. But you were still too occupied trying to figure out your own feelings. It just didn't work."

"Wrong timing, huh?" Naomi says quietly, hating how it could have been the _right_ time had she just pulled herself together a bit quicker back then.

"We needed to figure out what our own feelings were before we could even attempt to deal with any feelings we had for each other." Emily pauses for a second before adding, "I was so naive that I couldn't see it then, but now I know that it wasn't the right time for us and it's okay that it wasn't because we both got the chance to mature and discover things on our own and now look at us." She smiles at Naomi. "We're both completely different people to who we were back then. We're actually grown up now."

_Yeah, we are_, Naomi thinks sadly and doesn't bother to add that it hasn't really changed anything; it still isn't the right time for _them_.

-----

She's slouched out on the couch watching daytime TV when Effy bursts into the room and switches it off while simultaneously throwing her jacket at her. She stares down at Naomi while she firmly says, "Put it on. You're coming out with us."

Naomi doesn't make any attempt to move from her position on the couch. "Thanks for the offer but I'm okay here."

"Nae, you've been moping for the last two days. Whatever Emily said or did I'm sure--" Effy stops herself and lets out a deep sigh before continuing, "Look, just come with us. I'm meeting JJ and we're taking Bricker bowling for the first time." Naomi watches as Effy turns her attention to Bricker. "You want Nae to come, don't you?"

Bricker looks up from his place on the floor, smiling directly at her when he chirps in with a happy, "Yeah!"

Naomi sees the way Effy raises her eyebrow and smirks back at her when she finally stands up from and slips on her jacket. Leaning in close to Effy as she passes her, she mutters, "Using the child as emotional blackmail is evil, y'know."

Effy's smirk disappears into a wicked smile. "Yeah, but it worked _so_ well."

"I hate you." Naomi retorts, even as she slips on her shoes, and helps Bricker with his own.

-----

JJ's already waiting inside when they arrive and Naomi feels her shoulders tensing up when she sees that he's not alone. The images of seeing her standing next to him still enough to make her insides burn.

"I thought I'd tag along. Hope that's okay?" Emily asks cautiously, after they've all said hello.

Naomi feels as Emily's gaze travels over to her and works hard not to look back. Hears Effy answer for them both a second later, "Of course it is." she says leading them all into the bowling alley, completely ignoring the thick tension that has settled over the group.

It's a little while later, when she's watching Effy and JJ teaching Bricker how to push his ball down the children's support ramp, that Emily finally breaks the silence that's settled between them.

"They look good together, don't they?" Emily says quietly, offering her a half smile as she nods her head over in their direction.

Naomi can't help but watch them for a few moments, sees the way JJ helps Bricker place his ball on the ramp and how Effy helps him push it down it; his ball rolling towards the pins and knocking several down before he turns to them both with a beautiful smile.

_They look like a family_, Naomi thinks as she sees the proud smiles present on both Effy and JJ's faces, and wishes that it didn't leave her feeling so alone. Murmurs back a soft, "Yeah, they do."

When she sees a mixture of sadness and longing in Emily's own eyes as she watches them, Naomi can't help but wonder if she's thinking the same thing. Thinks about Rachel and wonders if she and Emily have ever discussed having children.

Knows it's completely wrong when she hopes that they haven't.

-----

Naomi's working away on her laptop when she hears Effy's voice coming from the doorway. "Hey, Nae, I know you've got a load of work, but I was hoping you wouldn't mind babysitting for a couple of hours tonight?"

Naomi doesn't look up from her laptop when she says, "Yeah, sure, no problem. Off out anywhere nice?"

There's a moment of silence before Effy murmurs, "I'm going out for dinner with Jay."

It's only then that Naomi spins round in her chair to face her, making sure that she's heard right. Finds any teasing comments lost on her tongue when she catches sight of the long black dress Effy's wearing, her hair clipped up with only a few pieces hanging down to frame her face.

"Wow." Naomi breathes.

Effy's face flushes as she glances down at herself suddenly self-conscious. "Wow, what?"

Naomi smiles, hoping it'll put Effy's nerves to rest. "Nothing. It's just... you look gorgeous, Eff." Sees the way Effy lets out a shaky breath and can't help herself from teasing her. "Don't you think it's a little bit too much? JJ will never be able to function once he sees you in _that_ dress."

"You think I should change?" Effy says as she glances down at herself again.

It makes Naomi break out into a laugh to see Effy so tense, knows she's got her when Effy looks up a second later and gives her the finger, a smile emerging on her face.

"Bricker's already in bed so he shouldn't be too much hassle." Effy adds as she slips on a jacket and grabs her purse, waving a dismissive hand at Naomi as she slips off down the hallway, ignoring Naomi's final teasing of, "Don't stay out too late and remember to use protect this time, Eff."

When Naomi hears the front door shut behind Effy a second later, she turns back to her laptop with a satisfied smile, thinks about calling Emily to see if she's heard about the news but dismisses the thought when she remembers that Emily's not on her own anymore, that Rachel lives there now, too.

-----

She's already in the kitchen eating toast when Effy finally comes down the stairs and joins her the next morning. She swallows down her mouthful of food before saying, "I didn't hear you come in last night."

Effy lifts her hand to stifle a yawn before offering Naomi an apologetic look. "I was back later than I thought I would be. Sorry. Bricker wasn't any trouble, was he?"

"Bricker was fine. Good night?" Naomi asks nonchalantly, bringing her toast back up to her mouth in order to hide her smile from Effy's view, and hopes that she doesn't look too eager to know how it all went.

"Yeah, it was really good, thanks." Effy replies as she fills the kettle with water and flicks it on, turning back to Naomi as she continues, "The food was really nice. Jay was really funny, and a total sweetheart like usual, and he-- what?"

Naomi bites down on her bottom lip to keep herself from breaking out into a ridiculous grin as Effy stops herself and stares at her with a questioning look. Effy raises an eyebrow and repeats herself when she doesn't respond straight away.

"Nothing. It's just- you _like_ him." Naomi replies in amusement, unable to contain her smile any longer.

Effy turns away from her and begins to make her coffee when she says, "Of course I like him, Naomi. He's our friend, remember?"

Naomi laughs as Effy avoids meeting her eye. "You _like_ _him_ like him."

"No." Effy says firmly completely contradicting the bashful expression that has settled on her face.

Naomi can't stop smiling at Effy's obvious discomfort. Raises her eyebrow and challenges Effy with a stare when she says, "Go on. Lie to me. I want to see this."

Effy opens her mouth to respond, faltering for a second before pulling herself together. "He's just good with Bricker, Naomi. That's all."

"Sure?" Naomi asks at Effy's disbelieving tone.

"I'm positive. I mean, come on, it's me and JJ." Effy chuckles falsely. "How weird would that be?"

Naomi can't help but notice they way Effy's voice cracks a little as she says the last part weakly, remembers feeling the same way about Emily once, smiling to herself as she goes back to her toast, she wonders just how long Effy will be able to convince herself that there's nothing to it all.

-----

Emily's already halfway through a cigarette when she manages to sneak outside for her own break. She takes a cigarette out of her packet and smiles when Emily lights it for her, mutters a quick thanks before taking a deep drag and blowing out a stream of smoke.

"So, I think Effy likes JJ."

Emily looks mildly shocked when she turns to her. "What? _Likes_ likes?"

Naomi tilts her head up and blows out smoke before nodding her head, and says, "Yeah."

"Are you sure?" Emily asks, a smile creeping onto her face.

"She says he's good with Bricker and claims he's just a friend. But I haven't seen a guy put that look in her eyes for a long time." She drops her cigarette to the ground and crushes it with the tip of her shoe before continuing, "Eff's had nothing but bad luck with men since she got pregnant. Life's been pretty tough on her. And, JJ's... nice."

A smirk appears on Emily's face as that last word falls uneasily from Naomi's lips. "You used to hate Jay, Naomi."

"I only hated him because he fucked you." It comes out of Naomi's mouth before she can stop herself, and she instantly sees Emily's eyes widen at the harshness of her tone. Wishes she didn't always have to be so brash and hurtful when it comes down to her jealousy.

There's sadness evident in Emily's eyes when she murmurs back a quiet, "Sorry."

Naomi feels the tension growing between them and quickly shakes her head, hoping to dispel it. "Don't be. It's all in the past, yeah?" Flashes Emily a smile and feels relieved when Emily returns it. "I think JJ could be good for her, and Bricker loves him already, so there's nothing to worry about there. Think he'll be interested?"

Emily lets out a laugh, "Trust me, Jay will definitely be interested. I don't think he realises that he keeps talking about her." Naomi feels herself smile, pleased that whatever is going on between Effy and JJ seems to be mutual. "You should play cupid and set them up on a proper date."

Naomi scoffs. "I'm shit at things like that, Em."

Emily rolls her eyes. "I'll help you, stupid. We're both off on Monday, so why don't we take Bricker out for the day and I'll call Jay and set it up so that he takes Effy out?"

Naomi smiles and wraps her arm around Emily's shoulders as they head back inside. "Sounds like a plan, Fitch."

Wishes stupidly that cupid would show up and shoot an arrow for her in Emily's direction.

-----

She still isn't sure how they've managed to pull it off, feels a sense of satisfaction as she watches Effy get into the car and leave with JJ. Wonders just how impressed Effy will be with the day JJ's planned for them - a day, which Emily told her consisted of a trip around London and doing all the touristy things since Effy had apparently told JJ she'd like to go on the London eye - just hopes that no matter what happens Effy returns home with an irritatingly happy smile.

When they've gone out of sight, Naomi turns to Bricker with a smile and says, "Want to go and see the animals at the zoo with me and Emily?"

Bricker rolls his car along the floor, looking up at her with a toothy grin, "Can we see the lions this time?"

Naomi holds her hand out to him and bobs down as he walks over to her. "Of course we can, Brickster." She smiles as she makes her hands into claws and roars playfully at him, her fingers tickling into his side and making him giggle.

-----

They've already spent most of the afternoon walking around the zoo and showing the different animals to Bricker when the children's outdoor play area catches his attention. Naomi picks him up and sets him down in one of the swings, pushing him back and forth while Emily calls out 'boo' every time she comes into his line of vision and making him giggle.

It's a few minutes later when Emily's in the middle of trying to take their picture when they're interrupted by a friendly old couple. "Excuse us, but we just wanted to say what a beautiful family you have." the little old lady says to Emily before turning to Naomi and Bricker and adding, "You're son is absolutely gorgeous."

Naomi sees the look Emily throws her way and stops herself from correcting them, settles for smiling back instead. "Thank you."

The old man sees the camera in Emily's hand and smiles at her as he gestures at it. "Would you like us to take your picture together?"

Emily glances briefly at Naomi before saying, "Thank you, that'd be wonderful." and passing him the camera.

Naomi feels the fluttering begin in her stomach when Emily come up next to her and slides an arm around her waist, leaning against her body and smiling at her. It takes Naomi a few seconds to tear her eyes away from Emily and lift Bricker up onto her hip, pointing out the camera to him before wrapping her spare arm around Emily's shoulder and pulling her closer; can't get over how natural it feels to have Emily so close after all these years.

When the old man passes her back the camera a second later with a "You're lucky a woman." it makes Naomi's heart clench tightly in her chest as her eyes take in the image on the screen. Has to stop herself from tearing up when she looks up to see Emily and the old lady bobbing down and talking with Bricker; notices the way Bricker leans into Emily when she opens her arms to him and wonders if this is how life would have turned out for them had they stayed together; if they'd of had a family of their own.

Wipes quickly at the stray tear that escapes from the corner of her eye and wishes she could go back to a time when it wasn't too late for that fantasy to be true.

-----

Bricker's fast asleep by the time they arrive back home, completely worn out from all of his running around and constant talking.

Emily parks her car in front of the house before turning towards Naomi and catching her looking fondly into the backseat at Bricker's sleeping form. Whispers, "Do you want me to help you carry his things in so we don't have to wake him?"

Naomi nods her head with a smile as she turns her gaze to Emily. "That'd be great, thank you."

Emily takes the house key Naomi offers her a moment later and quietly unloads the buggy from the back of the car as Naomi opens the back door and carefully unbuckles Bricker from his car seat; sweeping his sleeping form gently into her arms and following behind Emily into the house.

Naomi mouths "Upstairs." as Emily holds up the bag of stuff Effy prepared for them to take and gestures as to where it should go, nodding a second later at Naomi's instruction. She carries Bricker up to his room as quietly as she can. Tenderly places him onto his bed- tucking him in underneath his covers and brushing his hair away from his face, while pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead- before moving to find Emily lingering in the doorway, watching her with an unreadable expression, her mouth curved up into a delicate smile.

Naomi walks over to stand beside her and they both watch Bricker sleep peacefully for a few moments before Emily murmurs, "That old couple today were sweet."

"Yeah, they were."

Naomi feels Emily's eyes leave Bricker and land on her face when she says, "I can see why they thought he was our son. You're amazing with him, Nae."

She feels her smile slipping from her face when she turns her head towards Emily, their eyes locking as she realises for the first time just how close together they are. It's the startling glimmer of longing darkening Emily's eyes slightly that makes Naomi's breath lodge in her throat, her own eyes unable to resist falling down to Emily's rosy lips.

Her eyes feel hazy when Emily leans in towards her, the tips of their noses brushing together as they slowly turn into each other, the gap between them closing; their lips only inches apart when Effy's voice booms up the stairs and forces them to spring apart with wide eyes; reality settling back in loud and obnoxious.

Emily avoids looking at her as Effy bounds up the stairs and takes a quick glance at Bricker. "Knocked him out cold, huh?"

Naomi nods her head, fighting against the dryness in her mouth as she tries not to look over in Emily's direction. "Yeah, we had a good day."

"Staying for tea, Em?" Effy asks.

Naomi glances over just enough to see the flush visible on Emily's cheeks when she turns to speak to Effy. "As much as I'd love to stay and hear about your day with Jay, I have to get going. Rachel will be home soon."

"Another time, then."

"Sure, that'll be great." Naomi feels Emily's eyes on her again but can't quite meet her gaze, doesn't want her to see the disappointment that'll clearly be written over her face. "I'll see you soon, Naomi."

She closes her eyes briefly as she listens to the sound of Emily's feet padding down the stairs and slipping out of the front door, and finds Effy looking at her strangely when she opens them again, "You all right?"

Naomi lets out a deep sigh and nods her head, says, "Just tired." surprised that for once she's telling the truth.

Effy purses her lips together and soothingly runs a hand down her arm, a knowing look appearing briefly on her face before she squeezes Naomi's shoulder and disappears into her room.

-----

It feels an awful lot like a setback. Comes to her like a shocking slap to the face and stings unbearably every time she thinks of it.

Emily calls in sick for the rest of the week and doesn't respond to any of her calls or texts. It leaves Naomi feeling like she's overstepped that invisible line they've been trying to forget exists between them since the moment their lives collided again.

Makes Naomi wish she could hit rewind and take it all back, and hates knowing that she can't.

Doesn't know what she's supposed to do now to make things right.

x-----

She gets asked out by one of the teaching assistants and reluctantly agrees, thinks it's probably for the best when Effy interrupts her sulking one evening by placing a hand on her knee with a pitying look and says, "Don't do this to yourself again."

Naomi feels like its karma catching up with her the moment that she walks into the restaurant with Melanie and instantly sets eyes on Emily seated at a table with Rachel.

Emily stops mid sentence at whatever she's saying and stares over in Naomi's direction. It draws Rachel's attention to her and Naomi feels sick the moment Rachel smiles at her and waves them over.

"What a coincidence seeing you here. You and..." Rachel gestures at her date.

"Melanie." Naomi extends, trying not to grind her teeth together at how uncomfortable she feels with Emily's glare burning into her skin.

"You and Melanie must join us. We haven't even ordered yet."

"Babe, I'm sure they don't want to sit with us." Emily interjects quickly.

Rachel waves her hand dismissively. "Nonsense. You don't mind, do you?" She smiles at them. "It'll be fun."

Before Naomi can even think to echo Emily's comment Rachel waves her hand at the waiter and has them all moved to a bigger table. He gestures at the chair opposite Emily for her and Naomi realises that this is her very own version of torture, and tries not to let her eyes drift down to Emily's cleavage as she reaches for her glass of water.

If Rachel or Melanie notice the thick awkwardness present between her and Emily she thinks they're doing a good job of hiding it, feels it would be easier to disguise if Emily wouldn't keep glaring at her while she fires questions at them.

"So, have you two been dating long?"

Melanie laughs and turns to Naomi with a shy smile. "No. This is our first date, actually. I've wanted to ask Naomi out for awhile but I've always lost my courage."

Emily nods her head and takes a large mouthful of her wine. "What made you finally go for it this time, then?"

Rachel turns to Emily with a laugh and gently places her hand on top of Emily's own. "Darling, this isn't question hour."

"Melanie doesn't mind, do you? I'm just trying to get to know her." Emily responds with a forced smile.

"It's fine, really." Melanie assures her before answering Emily's question. "I guess seeing Naomi taking care of the girl who fell down and broke her ankle last week made me cave in and finally ask her. She was just so tender and caring that I knew she must be a big softie under her brash exterior."

Naomi tries not to choke on her wine when Emily snorts quietly at the answer. Clears her throat and pierces Emily with narrowing eyes, trying to decipher the game they're suddenly playing, but comes up short when Emily looks away.

She's thankful when the waiter brings over their meals a second later, hopes food will do something to calm Emily's mood. There's no such luck though, when the questions continue throughout the meal to the extent where Naomi feels herself having to bite down hard on her lip just to stop herself from exploding at Emily in rage; feels the coppery taste of blood on her tongue after awhile and knows Emily is taking some kind of satisfaction by making this hard on her.

A wave of relief washes over her when the waiter brings over their bill after only two hours of utter hell and Naomi finds herself extending enough money to cover everyone's cost just so she doesn't have to sit and be integrated by Emily for a second longer.

It's cold by the time they get outside and Naomi sees the way Emily slides her hand into Rachel's and tugs her close, shooting Naomi a warning look.

It's the final push against her limits.

_It was the alcohol_, Naomi will think later, which made her pull Melanie into her body and smash their lips together in a deep kiss, ignoring Rachel and Emily's presence just a few feet away from them.

When she pulls back a long moment later with a final peck to Melanie's lips she looks up to find Emily's eyes, sees the discomfort on her face and smirks.

Emily's lips twist into a sad frown, her face falling into a familiar painfully broken state as she looks away and when Naomi's heart clenches agonizingly in her chest at the mere sight of it, she knows it's been a pointless victory.

Doesn't understand how they've let it get back to the stage where all they seem to do is hurt each other.

-----

She reverts back into a stage of self destructing, finds that it's the only thing that helps her try to forget.

-----

Naomi arrives back home early one morning, feels how stiff her body is and knows she's desperately in need of a shower to wash away the remains of her night.

"Hey, Eff, sorry I didn't call last night. I ended up going home with some woman I met at a bar and--" Naomi stops abruptly as her eyes land on Emily sitting on the couch opposite Effy and drinking a cup of coffee. She hasn't seen her since that night at the restaurant and feels instantly uncomfortable when Emily's eyes run over her with a twinge of jealousy as she takes in the clothes she's wearing; can obviously see the way Naomi's shirt has lost a few of its buttons. "Hey."

Emily purses her lips together in a tight smile. "Good night by the looks of it."

Naomi feels the sting of Emily's words as her eyes drop back down to her tattered shirt, sees anger flash in Emily's eyes and instantly feels resentful when she realises Emily's still trying to get a rise out of her. "Very, thanks."

She knows they're being childish but she isn't sure what she's supposed to do to put things right, doesn't understand how Emily can be so angry at her when she's equally to blame for their almost kiss, especially when she's the one supposed to be in love with somebody else.

She forces a smile at Emily before slipping into the kitchen to fetch herself a glass of water and takes several large mouthfuls before Effy appears next to her. "What was that about?"

Naomi rolls her eyes out of habit more than anything else and downs the rest of her water before placing the empty cup on the table, mutters back, "No idea," before slipping out of the kitchen and heading upstairs for a shower.

Finds herself hoping for the first time in ages that Emily will be gone by the time she comes back down.

-----

She wakes up to find a large suitcase sitting at the bottom of the stairs.

It sets off a wave of panic as she sees Bricker's colourful backpack sitting next to it, doesn't understand why they're there. Finds Effy giving Bricker his breakfast in the kitchen and lingers against the doorframe until Effy notices her.

"What's with the suitcase?" Naomi's surprised when it comes out a little chocked and quickly clears her throat in hope of disguising her concern.

Effy lets out a laugh and rolls her eyes. "Relax, Naomi. I'm just going back to Bristol to visit my mum for a few days." She fills a cup with coffee and holds it out to her, coaxing her into the kitchen. "Tony called me late last night and said she's managed to keep herself sober for a few months now and that she really wants to see Bricker if I'll let her."

Naomi takes a large sip of the hot liquid and feels the relief dismounting the tension in her shoulders. Lets her eyes take in the stressed look on Effy's face and asks the first obvious question that comes to mind. "Nervous?"

Effy's lips twitch up into a smile. "You could say that. It's been nearly five years since I've seen her, and she's never seen me as a mum, so..."

It's a subject that's remained largely unspoken throughout their years of friendship, with Effy only ever offering up snippets of information here and there, but Naomi's aware of enough to know that Effy's parents, especially her mum, aren't something she deals with particularly well. Knows it's the dynamic she's had with her family that caused Effy to act out in wild and careless ways.

Naomi sits down at the table and rolls one of Bricker's cars back to him, watching as he starts mumbling about whatever model it is. "Do you need me to come with you?"

Effy smiles sincerely at her in response. "No, I'll be fine, thanks. Think this is something I need to do on my own." There's a moment of silence before Effy's face lights up with amusement, a chuckle escaping from her mouth when she adds, "Plus, I think it'd be a little awkward if you came since Tony said mum remembers you as the 'pretty, but gay' one and thinks you're my lover."

Naomi swallows hard on a mouthful of coffee and dramatically rolls her eyes. "Fuck's sake. Does everyone think we're fucking?"

Effy's smile disappears into a smirk. "Apparently."

Naomi laughs when Effy winks at her a second later, biting playfully at her lip in a seductive manner. "Maybe in another lifetime, Eff."

Effy smiles as she lifts Bricker back down to the floor, teasingly adding, "You don't know what you're missing out on, Campbell." and pressing a quick kiss to Naomi's forehead.

Naomi knows Effy's only joking around when their banter turns into flirty playfulness but she also knows that underneath it all there's an understood love between them that's completely mutual. And it's only a little while later when she's waving them off and watching as the black taxi disappears around the corner that Naomi realises just how lucky she's been to not really be alone all these years.

Tries to remind herself that being in love isn't an essential part of life.

Fails miserably when she thinks of Emily a moment later.

-----

She doesn't expect to hear from Emily at all.

She's already halfway through her first glass of wine when a text from her arrives out of nowhere and asks Naomi if she'd like to go out for a drink.

It leaves Naomi's head in a mess, not sure how Emily can go from not talking to her for days to suddenly being completely friendly and wanting to spend time with her. There's a voice in her head that sounds vaguely like Effy's, telling her to leave it alone, but Naomi finds herself replying without much thought; inviting Emily over to the house with the promise of wine and ordering in instead of heading out into the city.

Emily looks a little awkward when Naomi opens the door to find her holding up two bottles of pinot grigio in each hand. A coy look appears on her face when Naomi raises an eyebrow at all of the wine, and she says, "Nothing says sorry quite like alcohol." Naomi smiles despite her effort to retain some of her anger and moves aside to let Emily in, her eyes instantly trailing down to watch Emily's hips sway.

-----

Naomi's almost forgotten the reason behind why Emily's been avoiding her by the time they've moved on to the third bottle, finds any discomfort between them erased completely once Emily starts bringing up all of the crazy things they did back in college.

"Remember Panda's sleepover and how Katie got her mum high on the MDMA brownies?" She asks.

Emily clutches at her stomach as she wheezes out another laugh. "God, those hideous fucking pyjamas she made for us to wear."

Naomi smiles sloppily, the alcohol making her feel relaxed and lazy as it buzzes through her body. "Whatever, Em. Mine had 'sexy poo' written on it and it clearly made me look hot enough for 'brainy poo' to lose her mind and trick me into another kiss."

Emily gasps in offence as she smacks Naomi with the nearest cushion, her words slurring ever so slightly as she retaliates with, "Fuck off! I didn't trick you. You were the one being all seductive with your 'cider or pinot grigio, Ems' and that... that fucking lip bitey thing you do."

Naomi smirks back at her, nudging Emily with her elbow and says, "You mean _this_ lip bitey thing?" Pulling at her bottom lip with her teeth and watching as Emily's eyes fall down to watch.

Her eyes are hooded when she looks back up at Naomi, her breathing suddenly shallower than it was moments before. "Yeah, exactly that." she replies, her voice low and husky.

Naomi feels it then, that thickness that settles between them and charging the air with some kind of electricity that makes her want to reach out and smash her lips to Emily's own just to see if together they'll ignite a spark.

She feels herself drawn in towards Emily's mouth again when her tongue darts out to lick across her lips, lifts her eyes just in time to see Emily trying to turn her head away, and stopping abruptly as she lets out a muttered curse and lifts her hand up to rub at her neck.

"The fucking chain on this necklace is caught in my hair again."

Naomi stays quiet as Emily struggles for a second, eventually pushing herself closer to Emily on the couch and knocking her hand away from her neck. "Jesus, let me do it." Emily only pauses for a split second before she twists her body so that her back is facing Naomi.

Naomi's cautious as she sweeps the majority of Emily's hair over one of her shoulders, feels the air squeezing out from her lungs and getting lodged painfully in her throat as her eyes take in the soft skin she's exposed at the nape of Emily's neck. Finds her fingers are shaking when she finally lifts her hand up to untangle the chain, can't stop herself from lightly dragging the back of her knuckles against the smooth skin, and feeling as Emily shivers a little at the contact.

She works carefully to untangle the chain from the fine hairs at the back of Emily's neck, leans in closer to get a better look at what she's doing and feels her senses rush with the overpowering scent of Emily's perfume as the chain disentangles.

Naomi knows she should shuffle backwards, give Emily back her personal space and smile smugly at being Emily's knight in shining armour, but instead she finds herself letting her fingertips trail slowly down the side of Emily's neck, the skin silky beneath her touch.

It only gets worse when Emily lets out a shaky breath, her head lolling to the side and letting Naomi's caress continue. She can't stop herself then, from dipping her head and dragging her lips slowly across the nape of Emily's neck, kissing as much of her skin as possible. It feels like Emily's inviting her to touch more when she whimpers, her body twisting back round to face Naomi's as their mouths easily find each other.

Their lips have barely touched when Emily pulls away all flushed and wide eyed, looks back at Naomi in a mixture of longing and horror, whispers, "We can't." before she pushes herself up off the couch, quickly colleting her bag and shoes and leaving before Naomi has a chance to call after her.

Naomi lifts her fingers up to her lips and closes her eyes at the way they tingle from where Emily's own had been pressed against hers. Opens her eyes and reaches for the nearest bottle of alcohol, and almost lets out a frustrated cry when she sees there's barely enough left for a single glass.

Knows that no matter how much alcohol she consumes that it won't erase what just happened, settles instead with flopping down on the couch, and letting out a heavy, defeated sigh.

-----

It's the loud and abrupt knocking on the door an hour later that startles Naomi from her light slumber. Approaches the door and holds her breath when she sees whose silhouette it is through the glass, and opens it nervously.

She finds Emily suddenly standing in front of her looking small despite her best effort to glare, her eyes pained when she pushes her way past Naomi and spins round to face her once she hears Naomi close the door behind them.

Emily lets out a breath before saying, "I just came back to say that this has to _stop_. Whatever this is that we're doing here, Naomi, it has to stop _now_."

Naomi sees the tears spilling out of Emily's eyes and instantly takes a step towards her, aching to pull her into her arms and comfort her. "Em--"

Emily holds her hands up and takes a step back, wipes at her eyes before levelling Naomi with a stare. "Rachel's a _good_ person, Naomi, and I'm with her. I'm in a committed relationship with her and what we're doing goes against everything I believe in."

Naomi feels her heart slowing in her chest and mutters back a pathetic, "I know."

"I've been with her for nearly two years." Emily pauses as that heavy piece of information rings loudly between them, her eyes pleading with Naomi's own when she continues, "So I'm asking you to stop. I'm begging you to just let it go and leave me be." Her voice coming out as a broken whisper when she adds, "_Please,_ Naomi."

It hits Naomi hard, the way Emily's plea is so desperately pained and laced with exhaustion that it snaps something inside of her, leaves her filled with an urgency she doesn't remember ever feeling before.

She finds herself shaking her head at Emily's words, taking another step closer, this time ignoring the distress that flashes in Emily's eyes. Her voice thick with emotion when she says, "I can't stop, Em." She sees Emily's face crumble, more tears spilling from her eyes and wishes that she didn't have to be the reason behind her hurt again. Feels herself grow brave when Emily looks back at her with so much despair that it leaves her heart pounding loudly in her chest. "I know I'm a little late here, but I can't just switch it off-- I know you can't either."

Emily's eyes explode with rage, her voice coming out almost shrill. "_A little late_?!" She lets out an exasperate sigh. "Naomi, it's _seven years_ too fucking late!"

"You think I don't know that?!" Naomi shouts back, unable to contain everything that she's feeling as she steps even closer, the space remaining between them almost disappearing completely. "You think I don't wish I could take it all back and never let you go?"

Emily laughs bitterly, her face hardening. "You _can't_ take it back; you made your decision, Naomi. You might not be able to switch it off, but you can damn well shut it out. I had to learn how to and now you have to do the same."

"_I can't,_ Emily." Naomi replies more forcefully, and daring to put it all out there when she reaches out to cup Emily's face, bringing their eyes together, and whispering, "How could I ever switch off how I feel about you?" She feels Emily's breath catching against her mouth, her thumbs brushing away stray tears from her cheeks, finally meaning each and every word when she says, "I love you."

She feels Emily shudder, a muted sob escaping her lips as she searches Naomi's eyes for proof that she means it this time and that she isn't just saying it because it's the easy option and she can.

Naomi sees it appear then in Emily's eyes a second later, obviously finding whatever she needed as confirmation, and finally sees that missing flash of adoration even as they darken over with want. She finds that it's still too much after all this time when it makes her chest tighten out of nowhere; her heart beating so rapidly she's afraid it might explode out from within her body and land messily in Emily's hands.

But, then, Emily kisses her, and that familiar sensation of drowning, of being so utterly overwhelmed by every single emotion she can feel radiating from Emily's skin changes into something else entirely. She finds herself for once in her life giving in to deep kisses, finds her hands clutching at Emily's body and pulling her closer until there isn't any space left between them; doesn't understand how being so close still doesn't feel like enough.

_This is what it must have been like for her_, Naomi realises, as she willingly gives herself over to the overpowering want and need she has to touch and taste as much as Emily as possible; kisses her back even harder as she draws Emily closer still.

Emily's hold tightens on her waist a second later as their kisses turn quickly from slow and deep to wildly frantic; Emily's tongue forcing into her mouth and retreating with piercing nips at her bottom lip; sending Naomi's head spinning completely out of her control.

Naomi slides her hands from Emily's shoulders and into silky red hair, tangles her fingers between endless strands and grips tightly as Emily's lips leave her own; her hot, wet, mouth trailing off down Naomi's neck and working against her heated skin.

It makes Naomi moan, the sound escaping from her mouth effortlessly as Emily runs her tongue over her pulse point, sucking on the skin before moving up to nip her ear. It leaves her eyes heavy, the sound of blood pounding heavily in her ears, her body so hot that she's sure her blood must have liquefied into molten lava beneath Emily's melting touch.

_It burns_, Naomi thinks, and remembers then that Emily's touch always has.

Naomi feels her back forcefully collide with something cool and hard, and knows through her haze that it must be the wall as Emily's hand slides up from her waist to palm roughly against her tit. Her surprise comes out as a whimper when Emily's lips kiss briefly along her collarbone before she fuses their mouths back together with a hungry kiss that leaves Naomi _aching_.

Emily's breathing heavily when she finally pulls back, and Naomi can see for the first time how her lips have turned a delicious shade of red; blood pooling at their surface. It makes her remember the rare occasions when she would wake up before Emily and allow herself the luxury of watching her sleep just for a few moments. How she would always have to fight away the urge to trail her fingertips delicately over Emily's painfully obvious kiss bruised lips before she'd snap out of her illusion and slip out of bed and away from Emily in a hurry; that sickening feeling settling into her stomach and leaving her legs itching with the desire to run.

Naomi removes her hand from Emily's hair, trailing her fingertips over Emily's face as she watches brown eyes widen at the gentle contact; knows she's never allowed herself to do this before, touch just for the sake of touching; can't believe how good it actually feels. When Emily's eyes flutter closed a second later Naomi releases a shaky breath and watches intently as her pinkie finger trails slowly across Emily's rosy bottom lip, and over her top one before stilling against the dimple just beneath her mouth, finds herself completely mesmerised by every inch of Emily's face; her eyes etching each detail deep into her mind as if she hasn't ever seen Emily before this very moment.

Can't quite believe she's let herself miss out on all of this over the years, and feels unbelievably stupid for fearing something so achingly beautiful. Knows she's finally woken up from whatever dark coma she was living in back then.

Emily looks so close to breaking when she reopens her eyes with tears evident on their surface, that Naomi becomes quickly aware of just how fragile this moment between them is. Leans in and kisses Emily slowly, feeling as Emily shudders in her arms, and breathes out a choked whimper against her lips.

Naomi feels the shift between them as the control slips from Emily and into her. It's almost enough to make her legs buckle under the weight of it, but as their foreheads rest against each other, Emily's warm breath puffing softly against her lips and Emily's hand sliding up to cup her cheek, it makes her feel strangely grounded despite feeling like she could float away at any minute.

She covers Emily's hand with her own, pulls it away from her face and entwines their fingers, tugging just enough to get Emily to follow her up the stairs and into her room. Naomi sees the determination that emerges on Emily's face the moment they set foot through the door, and finds all the air leaving her lungs in a breathy moan when Emily's nimble fingers slip beneath her top and slide over the skin of her back before retreating just as quickly back to the hem, pulling the top over her head in one smooth motion and discarding it carelessly onto the floor.

As Emily's eyes take in the sight of her, Naomi sees the glimmer of uncertainty that washes over Emily's face and reaches out to run her fingertips up Emily's arms in a soothing gesture, smiles gently as their eyes meet and hopes that it's enough to dispel any hesitations Emily has. She feels the way Emily's skin breaks out into goose-bumps beneath her touch as she leans in to brush the tips of their noses together, their mouths surging together in a tender kiss she hopes is enough to keep Emily here with her; doesn't ever want to let her go again.

There's a new desperation to Emily's kiss that leaves Naomi reeling, finds herself unable to keep up with what's happening when Emily quickly removes the rest of her clothes in a whirlwind of speed, pushing her backwards and down onto the edge of the bed, and straddling her with finesse as she crushes their lips back together, licking her way into Naomi's mouth while allowing her hands to wander over newly exposed skin.

Naomi feels herself arching into Emily's touch as knowledgeable hands skim over her breasts, tweaking roughly at already hardened nipples. It feels entirely intoxicating, when Emily pulls back and reaches down to remove her own shirt, stirs a burning within Naomi that she hasn't felt since that first time at the lake, and forces her to duck her head and cover the creamy skin of Emily's breasts with endless kisses, touching as much as she can but still finding an unsatisfied need for more.

She hears Emily release a strangled groan and instantly slides her hands up to the clasp of her bra, flicking it open with ease and removing it from her body. Emily's fingers skate to the back of her neck, holding tightly as Naomi gropes at her breasts and trails her lips across the skin of Emily's neck.

When Emily's hips grind down into her own a moment later, Naomi finds herself being torn away from Emily's neckline and drawn back to an eager mouth. It doesn't take much of their heated kissing to leave her trembling, and Naomi knows Emily must be feeling equally as frustrated when she pushes at Naomi's shoulders and urges her further up the bed.

By the time Emily settles over her they're both completely naked, and Naomi finds herself groaning appreciatively as their bare flesh comes into contact; Emily's thigh slipping between her legs and grinding down just enough to leave her flushed and breathless.

Naomi feels her hands shaking as she reaches to grasp at Emily's back, doesn't understand how she can be feeling so much and still wanting more. Wonders briefly if it was always like this between them, but trails off when Emily's teeth bite at her lip to bring her back to the moment.

Emily's almost impatient by the time she moves away from Naomi's lips, blazes a pathway of kisses down Naomi's neck and settles her mouth upon her breasts; her teeth grazing over Naomi's nipples before she takes each into her mouth in turn, her tongue working against them in clever strokes.

Naomi feels herself already on the edge of falling apart when Emily's lips finally move lower; it leaves her barely able to catch her breath when Emily trails kisses down over her stomach before settling between her legs and wasting no time dipping her head down to Naomi's cunt and licking deliberately.

She can't stop her eyes from rolling back in her head, each stroke of Emily's tongue against her leaves her even more of a quaking mess; her senses consumed by Emily alone. Feels like her whole body's going up in flames with every caress Emily willingly doles out upon her.

It doesn't take long once Emily's settled into a rhythm of lapping at her clit while working her fingers in and out of her with deep and hard thrusts. Has Naomi moaning out Emily's name within minutes as she comes harshly around her fingers; seeing millions of bright lights going off behind her eyes.

She releases her grip in Emily's hair while she lets Emily slide back up her body; her breathing ragged when she pushes her head up and catches Emily's mouth is a deep kiss, letting out a strangled moan when she tastes herself on Emily's lips.

Naomi becomes all too aware of the thoughts rushing around inside of her head when they pull apart as Emily's eyes settle back on hers with a mixture of longing and disbelief, and finds herself stroking her fingertips over Emily's cheeks and down her throat until she settles on her shoulders, pushing against them as she swiftly reverses their positions.

She can't believe how fragile Emily looks beneath her, finds her heart swelling uncontrollably when Emily's mouth curves into a gentle smile, her hands stroking through Naomi's hair as they meet for another kiss, slow and deep, everything between them being said without words.

Naomi feels Emily's wetness against her leg and lets her hands wander over the soft planes of her body, marvelling at the softness but never breaking away from Emily's unyielding kiss. She lets her hand slide down between them, her fingers instantly finding Emily's clit and rubbing against it, forcing a hushed whimper from between Emily's parted lips and against her own mouth.

It's only a few seconds later, when she lifts her face away from Emily's neck to find her eyes squeezed shut tightly, that Naomi senses something's not quite right, knows Emily's trying to fight against giving herself over, and knows that it's her actions in the past that are the reasons why. Hates herself immediately for ever putting doubt into Emily's mind.

Naomi fights against the lump in her throat and hopes tears don't fall from her own eyes when she whispers Emily's name, cupping her cheek as she stills her fingers within Emily's twisting body until it forces Emily to open her eyes and look up at her.

Naomi brushes Emily's sweaty fringe away from her forehead, whispering "It's okay. I promise." as she closes the space between them and kisses Emily lovingly, starting to move her fingers again only when she feels Emily respond.

Their kiss quickly grows sloppy as Emily pants and whimpers against her mouth; throwing her head back a second later and letting out a breathy cry as her body convulses and arches under Naomi's touch.

_You're beautiful_, Naomi thinks as she watches Emily come down from her high and knows that this is the moment where she really falls in love with Emily Fitch all over again.

-----

They lay tangled together in silence for a few brief moments before Emily breaks through the quiet with a wracking sob, her face buried into Naomi's neck.

Naomi pulls her closer and holds her tightly in response, wincing a little when Emily's grip on her tightens, her fingernails biting painfully into her skin. She soothes a hand through Emily's hair, presses lingering kisses to her forehead until she quiets down.

It takes her by surprise when Emily unexpectedly pushes away a second later, her voice hoarse but laced with anger, mumbles, "Where the hell were you back then, Nae?" More tears falling from her eyes when she whimpers, "Why did you never come for me? I loved you. I needed you, Naomi."

Naomi twists her body towards Emily reaching out for her as guilt settles over her, tears finally escaping from out of her own eyes. She doesn't know what else to do except hold Emily close and whisper, "I'm so sorry, Ems." over and over again.

She sees the pain in Emily's eyes and kisses her through their mixed tears, pulls back slightly and murmurs against her lips, "I'm here now and I promise you that I'm not going anywhere ever again." Feels as Emily quakes beneath, their kisses growing desperate once again.

-----

Emily breaks away from her as the shrill noise pierces through the stillness waking them abruptly, her eyes blinking rapidly as she scurries from the bed and reaches for her phone, turning her back to Naomi when she mutters a barely awake, "Hey."

Naomi's careful not to make too much noise, pushing herself up onto her elbows and trailing her eyes over Emily's gloriously naked body as she listens while Emily continues talking, "Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't call. I'm at... Jay's. Yeah, we had some drinks and I crashed out on his couch. No, don't worry, I'll be home soon. Okay. Yeah, I will. Me, too. Bye."

The look of alarm on Emily's face when she turns back to her is enough to make Naomi's stomach twist in on its self violently that only worsens to the state of panic when she sees Emily quickly gathering her clothes and pulling them on.

Her voice is desperate when she says, "Emily--"

"Just don't, Naomi." Emily replies, averting her eyes. "This never should have happened. It was a mistake. I have-- I have to leave right now."

Naomi finds herself frozen, any words pleading Emily to stay lodged in her throat as Emily hurries from her room without so much as looking back over at her. She feels her heart shatter, breaking all over again, as a lonely silence follows the loud slam of the front door, knows that nothing will ever hurt more than watching Emily walking away from her again.


	6. Chapter 5

**AN: - Just wanted to say thanks to all of you reading this. is impossible to reply back to all of you individually, but I want you to know that I appreciate all of the feedback :) **

**[PS - To those of you wondering there will be 8 parts to this in total. 6 Chapters and 2 Interludes from Emily's POV. So there's one interlude and one chapter left to go after this one.]**

**-----**

**Chapter Five:** Nemesis //_I am a creeping and intangible sense of loss. I'm the memory you can't get out your head._\\

Sometimes, Naomi forgets what it's like to go back to that feeling where everything felt like it was falling down around her. It settles uncomfortably in her stomach, leaves her feeling nauseas, her chest tightening at everything that has taken place over the last few hours; the last few months.

It's different this time, the way in which watching Emily leaving has her feeling terribly empty. There isn't doubt there like there once was, niggling away at her with every second that passes and screaming out that she could have done more.

It's what makes it hurt worse, knowing that this time she gave it her all- did everything she could possibly think to do to prove to Emily that she loved her and that she was here, really here this time and not going anywhere- and still failed.

It leaves a bitter taste of defeat in her mouth, makes Naomi twist away from the ruffled sheets and empty space where Emily's body had laid tangled with hers only hours earlier.

She doesn't cry. Not even when she gets a whiff of Emily's scent still lingering in the air and finds that her eyes sting so much from unshed tears that she has to squeeze them shut tightly just to try stop them from breaking out and slipping down onto her cheeks.

Naomi knows she should move, should get up from the bed and pull herself together, but something inside her won't let her, stays unmoving instead and lets her hold onto the memory of their night together for as long as possible.

-----

It's almost dark outside again by the time Naomi finally forces herself out of bed, her head pounding so painfully that it feels like it might split in half even though she hasn't found it in herself to cry yet; doesn't know what good that would do anyway.

She slips an old baggy t-shirt over her head before stripping the sheets off of her bed and carrying them straight downstairs, hurriedly putting them in the washing machine; her eyes watching as the water rises and drowns the sheets, washing it all away.

She bypasses the living room completely when even catching the slightest glimmer of all of the empty bottles scattered on the coffee table leaves her feeling like bile is rising up in her throat and threatening to escape.

It's sharp, whatever it is, piercing into the sole of her foot at the bottom of the stairs and makes Naomi curse aloud. She sees it then, the delicate silver chain, as her eyes fall irritably to the offending item. She reaches down for it carefully and almost comes back up lightheaded when she sees what necklace it actually is.

She runs the chain through her fingers, the little heart locket landing perfectly in her palm as her eyes work over it. The tears spring to her eyes unexpectedly then, and Naomi isn't sure why something that had seemed so insignificant to her back then, something she'd done to try and quell Emily's need for her to be romantic, now suddenly seems like so much more. It stills her heart almost completely to think that Emily has cared enough to keep it all these years - remembers the look of shock and happiness on Emily's face when she'd first given it to her out by their lake with a ridiculously cheesy, "My heart truly belongs to you now, Ems." and watching as Emily held it up to her own chest like it was possible for their hearts to merge into one - let alone still wear it. Wonders what it means that she's found it laying broken on the floor only hours after Emily shattered her heart.

_Ironic_, Naomi thinks cynically, _two hearts broken in one day_. Wonders whether this one represents Emily's own or whether it's just a sign that it's unwanted now that Emily's finally given it back.

-----

It doesn't take long for her skin to start prickling.

Naomi pulls the t-shirt from over her head, dropping it thoughtlessly to the ground as she stands in front of the full length mirror in the bathroom; she feels strangely foreign, looking back at her naked reflection, her eyes analysing every inch of bare skin.

Her skin crawls unpleasantly beneath her gaze, feels like its setting alight and burning when she thinks about every part of her that Emily has touched and kissed, and just like that it feels utterly devastating, how her skin feels like its tightening around her bones, trying desperately not to fit the person she sees looking back at her; those blue, undeserving eyes unwavering the entire time.

It's the final straw.

Naomi reaches frantically for the shower nozzle, her fingers spinning the dial, turning it to its highest temperature until water tumbles down around her quickly enough that she loses herself in the steam. She hisses as the spray connects with her skin but relishes in the pain it brings, hopes the water can cleanse her of her sins as it leaves behind blotchy red marks while it scorches away the memory of last night, of every trace of Emily.

Only it doesn't work. The memory still lingers, she sees flashes of Emily weaving in and out of her mind and appearing painfully in front of her eyes, even as she scrubs at her flesh. It's enough to break her; her body heaving out a loud wracking sob, her body shaking as she sinks down to the ground, and tears finally overwhelming her.

-----

It's Bricker who sees her first.

Naomi doesn't hear them returning home or how Bricker bounds up the stairs and waddles straight into the bathroom to use the toilet. He stops dead in his tracks when he sees her, knees drawn up to her chest, her eyes puffy and red from endless crying while the shower still rains heavily down on her.

He blinks rapidly at her for a few moments, his face remaining completely blank as he calls out an impressively loud, "Mummy!" that has Effy hurrying up the stairs in a flash.

"What's the mat--" Effy's eyes land on her the moment she steps foot into room, and Naomi shakes her head almost helplessly in response to the wordless question that passes between them, watches as Effy's eyes go wild with worry. She touches Bricker on the shoulder, and gently escorts him out of the room saying, "It's okay Bricker. Nae's just a little upset. Wait downstairs, please." as she closes the door behind him and turns back to Naomi with a panic-stricken look on her face; momentarily stunned into inaction.

All it takes is Naomi whimpering out a broken, "Eff..." for Effy to kick back into gear, striding swiftly across the room and stepping into the shower with her in one quick movement.

Effy doesn't worry about the water, now freezing cold, from soaking through her clothing. Just sinks down next to Naomi and pulls her close; holding her in her arms, rocking her gently and cooing soothing words at her until she finally stops trembling.

-----

Effy never asks, and Naomi's eternally grateful that sometimes she just understands without anything having to be said. When she crawls into bed next to Effy in the early hours of the morning and feels Effy reach for her hand, tangling their fingers together with one gentle squeeze, she knows there's no need to explain anyway. Effy knows.

-----

She doesn't contact Emily and Emily doesn't try to contact her, and Naomi almost laughs brokenly when she realises avoidance is all that either of them have really got left to give.

-----

"Rachel called here," Effy says matter-of-factly as they watch Bricker play quietly by himself in the garden.

Naomi tenses immediately. "What did she want?"

Effy tears her eyes away from Bricker to look at her. "She's invited us over for a barbeque on Sunday. Their official housewarming, apparently."

"Well, great for them then." Naomi scoffs, before sarcastically adding, "Have a good time."

Effy studies her for a second before saying, "I think you should come, Nae."

Naomi forces up a laugh, looks back at Effy with wide eyes. "Why the hell would I want to do that?"

Effy looks away from her and back to Bricker, calls out "Don't cover your toys in the mud!" before continuing simply, "To see for yourself."

It's cryptic as always, and Naomi can't be bothered to try and work it out for herself. "To see what for myself?"

Effy tips her head back as she glances up at the sun, and Naomi watches the way it casts shadows on her face and hides her expression before Effy looks back at her with a newly revealed, barely present smile, "If she really thinks it was a mistake."

Naomi doesn't say anything back as Effy makes her way over to Bricker, just tilts her own head back to look up at the sun and wonders just how much of the truth can really be hidden in the light of day once the shadows disappear.

It only takes a second before she considers going.

-----

JJ looks shy when Naomi opens the door on Sunday morning, raising her eyebrow with a smile as she glances down at the bunch of flowers he's holding. Teasing him with a, "I'm guessing those aren't for me?"

He looks down at them, blinking a few times before shaking his head. "Well, no, not exactly. These are hibiscus roses and they mean delicate beauty and, well, I got them for Effy because I think she's rather beaut--" Naomi can't help but laugh a little when he stops himself, looking up at her with slight anxiety. "Do you think she'll like them? I hope she will beca--"

"JJ, they're lovely. I'm sure she will like them. Now come inside already, would you? Eff's almost ready."

He smiles at her a little as she lets him in, his shoulders tense and hunched slightly as he mutters, "Thank you."

Naomi sets to work helping Bricker with his shoes and it doesn't take long before Effy comes down the stairs with a shy smile as she catches sight of JJ with the flowers, and Naomi instantly notices the way one smile from her puts JJ at ease. She watches the quiet exchange between them as he hands over the roses, sees the tint of a blush on Effy's face a second later and can't help but think how nice it is, seeing something in its early stages where every movement is calculated with care and appreciated tenfold.

Effy catches her eye and cheeky smile and playfully flips her off before pressing a kiss to JJ's lips and disappearing into the kitchen to put the flowers into some water before they leave.

As they settle into the car and begin their journey to the house, Naomi finds herself thinking about how to approach Emily in the same intentional but cautious way that JJ had given Effy the flowers. Wonders if tentative but honest will be enough for her when it comes down to talking to Emily about what happened between them. Hopes it will be.

-----

She braces herself from the moment Rachel opens the door with a beautiful welcoming smile, says, "Hey, everyone, glad you could make it." before kissing them each on the cheek and inviting them inside the house she shares with Emily.

Naomi feels guilt set in the moment Rachel's eyes set on her own, suddenly doesn't know what she was thinking coming to _their_ house to talk to Emily about how in one moment, they'd fucked this innocent woman over, and how she still doesn't regret it at all.

Effy senses the shift in her body language and slips Bricker's hand into hers as she turns back and threads her own through JJ's. It's silly almost, how something as simple as having Bricker's little hand in her own can make her desire to flee almost dwindle away completely as Rachel leads them through the house.

He tugs at her hand a second later and looks up at her with focused eyes that are so Effy, Naomi sometimes feels like he knows all of her secrets too, but then he says, "I need the toilet," and she rolls her eyes at herself, remembers he's four, for Christ's sake.

"Hey, Rachel," Naomi calls out, seeing as Rachel stops mid conversation with Effy and smiles brightly in her direction. She falters a second under her gaze but eventually manages to point rather stupidly down at Bricker, explaining, "He needs to use the toilet. Do you mind?"

"It's upstairs, third door on the left. Come join us in the garden when you're done." Rachel looks down at Bricker, "Okay, sweetheart?" Naomi feels his grip tighten in her hand as he shuffles in closer to her and takes some mild satisfaction that she might not be the only one who's not too keen on Emily's latest choice.

-----

They find the bathroom easily, and it's only as they make their way back towards the stairs that Naomi's eyes focus in on the small selection of photographs on the wall. She feels wrong somehow, looking at them, but she can't stop herself, hates how in each photograph Rachel has her arms wrapped around Emily possessively almost like a silent warning for Naomi to stay away.

"That one was taken last Christmas at her parents' house."

Naomi turns quickly towards the voice, feels her heart pounding rapidly in her chest and blushes instinctively at being caught looking. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. I just--"

Rachel waves her hand dismissively. "Don't worry, Naomi. They're on the wall for a reason." Naomi's sure it's meant to come off lightly, but she can't help but notice the slight edge to her tone, feels like it's Rachel's way of saying "fuck you, she's mine" and how could Naomi protest when the evidence is right there in front of her eyes.

It only gets more awkward when Bricker babbles, "We have a photograph of Emlee at our house, too."

Naomi reaches down and ruffles her hand in his hair, forcing a smile onto her face when she looks at Rachel and explains, "From that time Emily helped me babysit and we went to the zoo."

Rachel's eyes narrow ever so slightly, but she smiles a moment later, erasing any unease from her face. "Of course. Now, come on, let's get back to the party. Jay was just starting the grill up when I came to find you."

Naomi feels a wave of relief and grasps at Bricker's hand and pulls him to follow, stopping when he resists. "What's up, Brickster? Don't you want a burger?"

Bricker looks thoughtful for a moment before saying, "You have a picture of Emlee in your room too, Nae."

Naomi tenses, and quickly glances over her shoulder, thankful that Rachel's already disappeared back down the stairs and lets out a shaky breath. Smiles at him before replying, "Yeah, I do. But that's a secret, okay?"

Bricker smiles back at her before letting out an perceptive, "Okay," and holding his arms up at her until she swings him up onto her hip.

As she carries him back down to everyone, Naomi can't help but think that maybe she was wrong, maybe all of the Stonem's do know her secrets.

-----

Emily looks more than a little shocked when she arrives an hour later; her body freezing the moment her eyes connect with Naomi's own, and the colour instantly drains from her face as if she can't quite believe that Naomi is really sitting there in front of her.

Rachel rushes over to her with a cheery, "Surprise!" that doesn't seem to take away any of the tension in Emily's body, says, "Everyone's here for our housewarming, babe. Don't look so shocked to see your friends." And Naomi sees the way Emily's lips twist up into an uncomfortable smile as Rachel presses a kiss to her cheek and drags her over to join them at the table.

It makes Naomi's stomach churn, watching as Rachel's hand slips easily into Emily's as they make their way over to them, hurts her more than she expected to see someone other than her getting touch Emily in these simple ways.

Emily actively avoids looking at her when she greets everyone, and accepts JJ's offer of a burger with a stiff nod of her head, still standing rather awkwardly away from everyone.

"Sit down darling," Rachel urges from her own seat, pointing her finger at the remaining empty seat, and turning back to engage Effy in conversation.

It must be karma of some sort, Naomi thinks, that Emily has to sit down next to her, looking more hesitant than Naomi can ever remember seeing her. Feels a little like the world is finally giving her a break, a chance to say what she's come here to say and finally get the answers to all of the questions that have been invading her head since the moment Emily kissed her back.

Emily reaches her arm out to grab the bottle of wine, and Naomi feels her own hand instinctively reaching out to cover Emily's thigh. She doesn't know why she does it, just knows that she can't help the urge she has within her to reach out and try to calm Emily, to remind her that it's just her, and that it's just them.

Only it's not just them, and when Emily lets out a shaky gasp at the contact and drops the wine bottle, it's all Naomi can do to watch the glass shatter into thousands of pieces while the rich, red liquid sprays up at Emily's body as she jumps back from Naomi's touch.

"Fuck's sake!" Emily curses, her eyes wide and disbelieving. "Sorry, I just--" She shoots Naomi a look before quickly recovering, "It slipped out of my hand."

"Darling, why don't you go and get some more wine and I'll clean this up, okay?" Emily nods her head at Rachel and hurries away from the table, back up the garden and retreats into the house without looking back at her.

Naomi catches Effy's eye, sees the warning look there but finds herself ignoring it when she says, "Why don't I go and get a cloth so we can wipe this mess up?"

Rachel smiles at her so genuinely that it makes Naomi feel sick with guilt at what she's about to do. "Thanks, Naomi. That'd be a great help."

She excuses herself from the table and hurries up to the house behind Emily, takes a deep breath to steady herself and hopes the conversation they're about to have goes smoother than the disaster they just created outside.

-----

Naomi lingers in the doorway, watching as Emily steadies herself against the kitchen sink, her head bowed as she takes in deep breaths.

She stays silent for a long time, doesn't want to unnerve Emily anymore than possible and so grants her a few moments to herself before she finally says, "It wasn't a mistake... what happened between us the other ni--"

Emily flinches at her words, turns to look at her in a way that's part warning and part pleading when she says, "_Don't,_ Naomi."

"Ems--"

"What are you even doing here?" Emily asks, the words coming out choked as she averts Naomi's unrelenting gaze. "Are you trying to hurt me?"

Naomi feels her chest clench painfully and shakes her head in disbelief. "_No_. Of course I'm not here to-- I _never_ want to hurt you ever again, Em." She takes a few steps into the kitchen, and stares at Emily until she looks back. "But it wasn't a mistake, Emily, and I know you feel the same way."

Emily looks away as tears form in her eyes, her voice firm when she says, "What happened that night can never happen again, Naomi. It was unbelievably wrong, what we did-- what _I_ did." She pierces Naomi with a cold look. "I'm with Rachel."

Naomi sucks in a shaky breath, tries to dispel the aching she can feel settling into her body, whispers, "It might not have been the right circumstances, Em, but that doesn't make it a mistake." She sees the tears breaking free from Emily's eyes and watches as she turns away from her again.

"_Please,_ just leave me alone, Naomi. Don't do this."

She hears Emily sniffle and closes the gap between them, standing closely behind Emily but never touching her, and feels her pulse quickening as she prepares herself to ask the one question she fears the most; the one Naomi knows can break her resolve in an instant.

"I know this is hard, and I promise you I'll never ask you this again, but--" Naomi feels her eyes welling up as the words lodge in her throat. Her voice emerging hoarse and quiet when she continues, "But I just need to know-- I need for _you_ to tell me..." Naomi trails off as Emily slowly turns round to meet her gaze, the pain on Emily's face mirroring her own, and her voice breaking when she asks, "Do you love her?"

Naomi feels her heart slowing as a deafening silence erupts around them; her ears ringing loudly as her hands begin to shake uncontrollably. She sees Emily's eyes slip closed, as if the whole thing is just too unbearable for her to witness.

It feels like an eternity before Emily reopens them and looks back at her sorrowfully, her voice almost inaudible when she responds, "Yes, I love her."

Emily's words hit her hard, leave her feeling like her chest has constricted so tightly that all the air has been painfully squeezed from her lungs. Naomi lets out choked breath and tears her gaze away from Emily's, biting hard at her lip to keep herself from crying. It's excruciating, the way that hearing those words fall from Emily's lips leaves her heart shattering; the aching so bad she feels physically faint.

Naomi forces herself to look back up at Emily, unashamed of the tears that have managed to break free from her eyes, and offers her a regretful smile. "I just--" She takes a deep breath to try and compose herself before continuing; "I just needed to hear you say it."

The look on Emily's face in unreadable, the only obvious sign of distress that Naomi can notice is her eyes, wide, and glassy, are glimmering with hurt and disbelief. It only makes the blow of her words sting more, and so Naomi offers one last tentative half smile before turning on her heel and heading out of the room.

"Nae, wait."

Naomi stops dead, and closes her eyes shut at the sound of Emily's voice, broken and desperate, but it isn't enough to make her turn back around, knows she can't bear to see the look of sympathetic remorse that she's sure will be covering Emily's face; doesn't want to be pitied by her.

It's only when she feels Emily step closer to her, and can feel the heat radiating from her body, that she slowly turns back to face her, lifting her eyes up to meet Emily's own. Naomi sees it then, that same look of adoration that had been there in Emily's eyes for her the night they shared together.

"I love her," Emily repeats, her voice trembling as steps closer to Naomi and letting out a heavy breath before she struggles to add, "But, not like I love you."

Naomi feels lightheaded; it's too much, all far too much, hearing those three words she's been aching to hear Emily say to her again after all this time that all she can think to do is close the remaining distance between them, her hand going up to tuck a stray piece of hair behind Emily's ear as she nuzzles their cheeks together.

She feels Emily shudder at the contact, her own hand going up to Naomi's cheek as she brings their foreheads to rest against each other, and lets out a shaky breath against Naomi's lips. It feels so good, having Emily this close that Naomi's body burns with the desire to kiss her; finds herself automatically leaning in to close that last remaining space between them only to be halted by Emily's hand pushing at her shoulder while whispering, "I still can't."

Naomi takes a step back, finding Emily's eyes and searching them thoroughly for an explanation. "Em--"

Emily shakes her head wretchedly. "It's not enough, Naomi."

"Hey, what's taking you guys so long?" Rachel's voice sounds through the room and cuts through Naomi's attempt to reply, can feel Rachel's eyes burning into her back when she says, "Is everything okay?"

Naomi can see Emily's smile is forced when looks over her shoulder and at Rachel. "Everything's fine, babe." Emily grabs two bottles of wine off of the side, avoiding meeting Naomi's eyes as she passes by her to Rachel. "Let's go join everyone, yeah?"

"Sure."

Naomi turns just in time to see Rachel's hand immediately settling at the base of Emily's back, and feels more tears escaping freely from her eyes, doesn't understand how she can love someone and have that still not be enough.

Feels her heart breaking all over again.

-----

Effy and Bricker come to find her in the kitchen a moment later, and Effy takes one brief look at her before passing Bricker over to her and returning quickly to the garden to explain to Rachel that Bricker's feeling unwell and they're going to have to regretfully head home.

Naomi doesn't bother to listen to Rachel's response, just lifts Bricker into her arms and heads straight towards the front door, listening as Effy's footsteps follow closely behind.

It's only when they get out of the house for good that Naomi finally feels like she can breathe again.

Wonders what it means that she's still suffocating after all these years.

-----

She calls in sick to work on Monday.

Doesn't know how she's supposed to face Emily now that she's lost, now that Emily's chosen someone who isn't her.

-----

It comes as a surprise late on Tuesday afternoon when Naomi opens the door to find a rather anxious looking JJ. She eyes him carefully for a second before saying cautiously, "Effy's not here. She had to take Bricker to the doctor's for a check up."

JJ nods his head knowingly and looks away from her briefly. "Actually, I've come here to see you, Naomi."

Naomi watches as the muscles in his neck twitch, knows he must be trying to swallow the dryness down in his mouth; his nerves evident as a line of sweat appears on his forehead. She lets out a shallow breath and steps to the side, holding the door open for him and gestures for him to come inside.

He looks down at her with a frown when he notices she's wearing a ridiculously baggy jumper and old sweat pants, but forces any comment he has about them down as he follows her tentatively into the kitchen.

She hands him a glass of mango juice without a word and settles down in the seat opposite him, stating silent as he downs the liquid in several large mouthfuls. JJ sets the glass back down on the table and blinks rapidly as his eyes settle on hers. Naomi sees it then, the look of guilt that's evident in his eyes, remembers the way they'd looked exactly like this all those years ago, wide eyed and panic stricken as he tried to apologise for sleeping with Emily.

Suddenly she knows why he's here, can feel her chest constricting at the mere thought of the conversation that must have taken place and barely manages to get out, "Emily's told you."

She watches as JJ's eyes narrow slightly, her words spoken as a statement and not as a question catching him a little off guard. "Yes, she did. And, well, now I'm here and it's not really something I want to be doing. But, Emily asked, and she's my friend, and so--"

"Cut the crap and just tell me why you're here, JJ?" Naomi cuts him off, her tone direct and flat.

JJ swallows loudly and nods his head, more to himself than to Naomi, says, "Emily asked me to relay a message to you."

Naomi ignores the way his words make her heart ache, and fights back the tears in her eyes. "And what might that message be?"

He looks away from her when he replies, "She wants you to stay away from her." He glances up at her with a worried expression as if he fears she'll erupt with rage, and only when she doesn't react does he look back at her a little more confidently while continuing, "Obviously Emily is aware that as co-workers you'll have to see each other on a daily basis, but she'd prefer if you didn't try to communicate with her in any way unless it has to do with work. She thinks it's best that you give each other some space considering recent events."

Naomi chuckles bitterly. "Oh, I'm sure she does." She runs her hand carelessly through her hair and asks, "Am I allowed to reply to this message of hers, then?"

JJ looks momentarily bewildered until he catches on to what she's saying, stutters, "Erm, well, she didn't say that you couldn't. So I guess it would be okay for me to relay a message back to her for you. What should I tell her?"

Naomi purses her lips together, tries not to let herself get upset over Emily's request, always knew Emily would chose to do the honourable thing in the end despite how they feel about each other. She lets out a shaky breath before saying sadly, "You can tell Emily that her wish is my command."

"You'll leave her alone?" JJ asks carefully, wanting to reaffirm that he's gotten this right.

"Yes, Jay. I'll leave her alone."

JJ nods his head silently and stands from the chair, stares at her for a long moment with a sorrowful frown and says, "I'm sorry, Naomi."

Naomi catches the sincerity in his voice and offers him a half-smile. "No need for you to apologise. None of this is your fault, JJ."

"Yes, well, quite... but I am sorry things aren't different." He says quietly before heading out of the room.

"Jay." Naomi calls after him, catching him just as he gets to the front door. Wipes swiftly at her eyes when a couple of tears leak down her cheeks when she says, "Tell her I'm sorry, too. Okay?" He nods his head just once, before opening the door and letting himself out without another word. Naomi can't help but think that his silence says more than anything else ever could.

-----

The week after JJ passes on Emily's message is the hardest.

She sees Emily the moment she gets into the school and can't help the twinge of pain that strikes through her chest when Emily averts her gaze and walks past her like she doesn't exist.

Naomi finds it doesn't get any easy when she tries to avoid Emily in return. Somehow manages to bump into her at every opportunity and feels her heart breaking a little more each time when Emily doesn't make any effort to talk to her at all, always looks straight through her whenever their eyes accidentally meet and leaves the room as quickly as possible.

The silence hurts worse than anything Emily could have ever said to her and it leaves Naomi thinking that it's definitely the definitive ending to whatever it is that they had shared since their lives collided again.

-----

It's sometime during the second week of silence, when Naomi sneaks out to grab her cigarette's from her car, that she sees Rachel dropping Emily back off after lunch.

It feels like she's invading their privacy, and yet she can't tear her eyes away from them. Watches their exchange silently, unable to hear whatever it is that they're talking about but getting the perfect view to watch as Rachel pulls Emily in close and kisses her deeply.

Her stomach twists painfully even as she feels her heart clenching at the sight, and only feels worse when Emily pulls away and accidentally catches her eye over Rachel's shoulder. It freezes her momentarily, leaves her open and vulnerable underneath Naomi's gaze for the first time in days, and she's suddenly overwhelmed by the deep sadness she sees etched in Emily's eyes.

It makes her want to reach out and touch, to pull Emily into her arms and whisper that none of this matters, that nobody matters but them and how much they love each other. But then Emily's eyes narrow in her direction, it's a warning, a plea, for her to back off.

It makes Naomi recoil instantly, averting her eyes from Emily's and quickly pull a cigarette from her packet, lighting up at speed and inhaling the smoke deeply. When she chances another glance in their direction she feels almost relieved that they've both disappeared.

Hates how seeing them together only reminds her of how wrong she was to let Emily go in the first place.

-----

The third week is the worst.

Her mum calls to confirm the latest news of her wedding plans, explains excitedly to Naomi how beautiful her dress is (Naomi's, too - which only makes Naomi scoff with mild disgust) and how everyone has replied to her invitations.

She ignores the lump that rises in her throat when her mum tells her Emily and Rachel are attending, pretends she already knows even though it surprises her that they are and doesn't respond to her mum's all too knowing, "Are you sure you're all right, sweetheart?" just hangs up without another word.

Thinks that it's gotten almost ridiculous now, the amount of time she spends crying, something simple always setting her thoughts on to Emily and leaving her unable to stop the tears from coming. Naomi finds herself embarrassed that the only person who has the ability to make her forget all of the mess and heartache for a few brief seconds is Bricker.

She doesn't resist it, always takes comfort in having him close by, especially when he'll wordlessly climb onto her lap and cuddle against her chest; his small hand resting over her heart as he looks up at her with big blue eyes. It makes Naomi wonder, when she covers his hand with her own and watches as he places his ear against her chest, if he might be the only one who cares enough to check if it's still beating.

Naomi is never more grateful then when he lets her kiss the top of his head and hold him that little bit closer; closes her eyes and remembers loving someone else is worth all of the heartache.

-----

The fourth week feels like total defeat.

The air leaves her lungs the moments she opens the staff room door to see that familiar flash of red hair. Emily glances up from her work to see who it is and her face washes over with exhaustion the moment her eyes meet Naomi's.

It only lasts a split second before Emily looks away from her again, and Naomi still hasn't gotten used to how much it hurts, that Emily can barely look at her now. Finds herself whispering a choked, "I miss you" without even thinking.

It catches Emily off guard, makes Emily's look back up at her regretfully with a quiet, "Naomi..."

Naomi lets out a shallow breath and nods her head meekly, "I know I'm not supposed to say it, okay? But I just do. I miss you so much." Emily shakes her head, and averts Naomi's gaze, and it's enough for Naomi to know there's nothing either of them can say to make things better. She mutters a gentle, "Sorry" before heading back out the door and away from Emily's sad eyes that look an awful lot like they're supporting her conclusion.

-----

They catch the train down to Bristol the Thursday before her mum's wedding.

Effy looks almost uncomfortable as she fidgets in her seat for the tenth time in under an hour, and it's enough for Naomi to stop colouring in with Bricker and look over at her with a gentle smile. "You all right, Eff?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "Are you?"

"Not really. But I asked you. You're fidgety as fu--" she stops herself and glances down at Bricker who's looking back at her with interest, before continuing, "_Fudge_. So, are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"

Effy purses her lips together briefly and stares out of the window for a long moment before saying, "I like JJ."

Naomi laughs and rolls her eyes, covering Bricker's ears as she replies, "No shit, Sherlock."

"Do you care?" Effy asks, piercing Naomi with an anxious stare.

Naomi offers back a smile and reaches across the table to cover Effy's hand. "Does he make you happy?"

"You didn't answer my question, Nae." Naomi's smile widens, and she raises an eyebrow at Effy that says 'don't change the subject' until Effy rolls her eyes in defeat and complies. "Yeah, I think he is."

"Then I'm happy that you're happy, okay? And Jay's a great guy. He's nice. He'll be good for you, Eff."

Effy looks a hesitant when she adds, "I think he wants us to start dating seriously. He asked me to go as his date for your mum's wedding."

"That's great." Naomi sees the blank expression on Effy's face and cautiously adds, "Isn't it?"

"Yes. No... I'm just--" Effy lets out a deep sigh, her eyes wide and honest when she looks at Naomi and says, "I'm scared, Naomi. I mean look what happened with Mike." Naomi watches her brow knit together, her tone coming out frustrated when she adds, "Look at you and Emily for that matter. It's all just such a fudging mess."

Naomi smirks in amusement that they're managing to keep themselves from swearing so well, but then lets out a deep sigh when she sees the serious look on Effy's face. "Can I give you one piece of advice?"

"Sure." Effy mutters as she passes Bricker the red crayon.

"Don't spend all your time worrying or being too scared to live life properly. Just enjoy the now. Be happy, be loved and let yourself love back. Don't end up with the same regrets I have because, believe me, they can't be fixed."

Effy looks pensive for a moment before offering up a gentle smile. "She does love you, Nae."

Naomi chuckles sadly. "Yeah, I know. Shame it doesn't change anything."

Effy's quiet for a few seconds and Naomi can tell by the way she's biting at her bottom lip that she wants to say more. Doesn't push it though, knows Effy will say what she wants when she's ready.

It comes as quite a surprise when Effy looks directly at her, sincerity covering her face when she says, "I love you, you know." Naomi sees the discomfort that settles in Effy's shoulders, as if daring to say those words to anyone causes her pain. She chooses to lighten the moment, waggles her eyebrows teasingly until Effy rolls her eyes. "Not like that you cunt, just... I want you to be happy, too."

It's one of the more sentimental things Effy's ever said to her and she finds that any desire to turn the matter playful disappears in an instant. Smiles back when she says, "Eff, I love you, too. So don't ever feel guilty about wanting to date Jay just because me and Emily are still as complicated as we were at eighteen, okay?" Effy nods her head once, smiles back and reaches for one of the crayons.

They don't talk much for the rest of the journey; just spend their time helping Bricker colour in a car in his colouring book, and take the easy comfortable silence that's settled over them for what it is.

-----

"So, what do you think?"

Naomi looks up from where she's sitting on the end of the bed to see her mum dressed in a beautifully flowing, white dress, and smirks when she replies, "Not bad, you scrub up well for an old hippy."

Gina twats her round the head playfully. "You're still a little shit."

Naomi laughs and softens her smirk into a smile, looking her mother over properly. "You look beautiful, mum." Gina smiles back at her looking pleased. "That disgustingly happy smile you've got glued to your face is beginning to make me uncomfortable, though."

Gina looks at herself in the mirror, lifting a veil up to her head before pulling a face and removing it, looking at Naomi in the mirror when she says, "Don't be so jealous, darling. This will be you one day. In some stunning dress looking revoltingly in love and I'll be the one telling you that smiling so much isn't good for your face."

Naomi lets out an amused sigh. "It's a nice thought, but very doubtful, mum. So don't go holding onto that fantasy too hard."

Gina turns to look at her properly, her smile dwindling down to nothing as she studies her daughter. After a few long minutes says, "Why doubtful? You'd be lovely at a wedding."

It's a mixture of the honesty in her mother's voice and the concerned look that clouds her face that forces Naomi to look away. She swallows against the lump in her throat and tries not to let her eyes tear up, doesn't know how to tell her mum that there's not much point in her ever getting married when it looks like the love of her life will end up as somebody else's wife instead.

She hears her mum repeat the question, and forces herself to answer, doesn't want to be the one to take away a moment of her mum's happiness. Settles for doing what she does best and rattling off a cunty, "You know me, mum, I don't really believe in paying out all that money for a piece of paper. Seems like another scheme the government cooked up just to take money from us."

Gina looks back at her with sad eyes. "Despite that, don't you think it's all rather lovely, being able to stand up in front of people you know and look into the eyes of the person love and declare it for the world to hear?"

Naomi bites down hard on the inside of her cheek, tries to ignore the images that are flashing up in her mind of Emily in a gorgeous wedding gown and bursting with happiness as she tells her she loves her. She coughs to clear the tightness of her throat and says, "But, you have to be sure, don't you? I mean, really sure because people forget that a wedding is just one day, it's the marriage that's supposed to last a lifetime."

Gina lets out a sigh but doesn't say another word, settles for pressing a knowing kiss to Naomi's forehead before leaving to change back out of her dress.

-----

The day of the wedding comes round in a flash.

-----

Naomi adjusts her dress one final time and looks at her reflection, rolls her eyes when she sees the lemon coloured dress her mum has chosen for her bridesmaids and immediately wishes she could sit this one out.

"Wow, look at you all... _yellow_."

She sees Effy's smirk in the mirror and turns around to face her with a scowl. "I look fucking hideous. I mean, what kind of person_ willingly_ chooses yellow, Eff?"

Effy breaks out into a wicked smile, her eyes twinkling with laughter. "Your batty mum apparently."

"Yeah, well, there's no way I'm keeping this on. Once they're pronounced married I'm changing out of this monstrosity."

"Sounds like a plan." Effy purses her lips together for a second before warily adding, "Emily and Rachel are here."

Naomi forces a smile. "Well, they were invited. Nothing I can do to avoid her today."

Effy nods her head. "I just wanted to warn you."

"Thanks."

"No problem." Effy smiles. "I'll see you out there, okay?"

Naomi watches her leave and turns to look back at herself one last time, reminds herself that today is about her mum and Kieran and not about the disaster that is her and Emily.

She forces a fake smile onto her face as she heads off to help her mum with the final preparations.

-----

Emily looks stunning. It's the first thing Naomi thinks when she spots her sitting in the church next to Rachel wearing a beautiful black dress that hugs her body perfectly. She catches Emily's eye briefly and hopes that the small half smile she offers will ease the tension between them if only for today.

Kieran looks as close to nervous as Naomi's ever seen him while he stands, dressed handsomely in his suit, waiting for Gina to walk down the aisle. When the music starts and her mum finally appears, Naomi watches the smile that takes over Kieran's face, sees how her mum looks like she's glowing with happiness, and feels a wave of contentment rush over her that throughout all the years her mum struggled with love, she finally found the right person.

She feels Emily's eyes on her the moment Kieran starts with his vows, tries her hardest to keep herself from meeting her gaze but fails miserably. It's a mixture of her mum and Kieran's heartfelt words and Emily refusing to look away from her that forces her chest to tighten, and her heart to pound achingly fast. It's only when they exchange '_I love you's_' that Naomi has to tear her eyes away from Emily's, doesn't bother fighting against the tears flowing freely from her eyes.

Hurts her even more when she catches Emily wiping at her own.

-----

It feels like a relief when they head back to her old house for the after party. All of the overwhelming feelings that had taken over her at the church slowly retreating again and leaving Naomi feeling like she can finally breathe once more.

She spends the majority of the night looking after Bricker, happy to give Effy the chance to enjoy the night with JJ, and watching as Emily dances with Rachel; trying not to let her jealousy show whenever she accidentally locks eyes with either of them.

"Would you like to dance, Naomi?" JJ asks with a smile.

Naomi glances at Effy who's only response is to whip Bricker off her lap with a, "Go on. You need to dance at least once tonight. It is _your_ mum's wedding."

She lets out a sigh but takes JJ's hand and lets him lead her out onto the makeshift dance floor they've created in the living room. She feels JJ's hand settle hesitantly on her waist but flashes him a smile that seems to put him at ease as they dance along to the music.

"Looks like we're being watched," JJ whispers into her ear, and it's enough to make Naomi subtly glance around the other people gently swaying together.

She sees Emily dancing with Rachel and instantly finds brown eyes peering over at her. It makes Naomi extremely grateful that Rachel is facing the other way as she lets her eyes hold Emily's over JJ's shoulder.

When the song ends, Naomi watches as Emily's attention flicks back to Rachel without warning, sees Rachel whisper something into Emily's ear before heading out into the garden, leaving Emily unattended for the first time since they arrived.

JJ presses a kiss to her cheek. "Thank you for the dance. You look lovely."

Naomi rolls her eyes playfully. "Thank you for asking. But I think we both know I look like a walking lemon and the woman you really want to be dancing with is sitting over there with her son."

"Yes, well, she is rather beautiful and lovely herself," JJ says, as he peers over at Effy.

"Go," Naomi says, shoving gently at his arm and feeling a burst of happiness as JJ smiles back at her before heading over to Effy and Bricker.

The first few notes of the next song hit her hard and she finds her eyes being drawn over to Emily without a second thought. Sees the realisation in Emily's eyes and takes comfort that she's not the only one that remembers 'their' song.

Naomi can't help but smile at the memory, remembers how Emily had been adamant that just because they didn't get to actually go to the ball didn't mean they couldn't share their very first dance. Thinks back to how she'd been reluctant to begin with but easily gave in when Emily's arms curled around her body and pulled her close, a beautiful smile emerging on her face as they swayed together to the music up in her room.

"You two need to be fucking dancing! It's my wedding night. Everyone should be dancing like a loon." Kieran drunkenly slurs as he shoves at Naomi's arm and beckons Emily over.

Emily moves over to her and meets her halfway; her eyes locked tightly onto Naomi's as she stops before her and reaches out for her hands with a soft smile. Naomi doesn't think about what she's doing, or about the people around her, just lets herself drown in the dark warmth of Emily's eyes as she takes Emily's hand in her own; holding her in place with her other hand at the base of her back.

She hears Emily sigh against her ear as the sway to the music, Emily's arm sliding up from her shoulder and to the base of her neck, her fingers gently playing with the fine hairs she finds there. Naomi feels high at the feeling of Emily's body this close to her own after what feels like a lifetime apart, is mesmerised by how they just seem to fit together and shifts until their foreheads come to rest together, their eyes finding each other momentarily before they slip shut again; the world falling away around them. Naomi's not sure how long they stay like that, revelling in holding each other close, just knows that it feels like times moving incredibly slowly with nobody but them mattering at all.

It's only when the music trails off around them that they both come aware that the song has ended. Naomi feels Emily's shallow breath puffing out against her lips and resists the urge to close the gap and kiss her tenderly. Opens her eyes to find Emily staring back at her so openly that it makes her breath catch, can only close her eyes again when Emily trails her fingertips down her cheek, the pad of her thumb brushing across Naomi's bottom lip before she steps back from Naomi's arms.

Neither of them says a word as the moment washes away from them and brings them back to the present. The look in Emily's eyes shifts to a mixture of disbelief and sadness and Naomi knows the look must be mirrored on her own face when Emily offers a small sad smile before slipping away from her completely leaving Naomi standing alone in the middle of the dance floor unsure of what just happened between them.

-----

Her mum turns out to be the person to find her.

Comes into Naomi's old bedroom - the dedicated coat room - to find her daughter sitting on the floor leaning back against her bed, and waits for Naomi to look up at her before carefully saying, "Emily introduced me to Rachel earlier... she seems nice."

Naomi sniffles and doesn't bother trying to hide that she has to wipe at her eyes, smiles sadly at her mum when she honestly replies, "She's lovely."

Gina walks further into the room, settles down on the floor next to Naomi. "Emily didn't look as happy as I thought she would."

There's something knowing in her mum's voice that makes Naomi snap. "Mum, just fucking leave it alone. It's none of your business who Emily chooses to be with."

She feels her mum's eyes burning into the side of her face and reluctantly turns to meet her eye, and instantly sees the questioning expression on her face when she asks, "Are you sure about that?"

It's the perceptive look in her mum's eyes that tell Naomi she already knows the answer to what she's asking, finds herself crying a little more just because, and lets her mum wrap her arm around her shoulder and pull her close when she whispers a pained, "Oh, Naomi..."

Doesn't bother to hold back her tears any longer.

-----

She doesn't sleep.

Can't.

-----

They catch the train back to London the next morning- her, Effy, Bricker and JJ, and she has to force herself to stop looking around for signs of Emily. Knows it's stupid to hope she would come for her when she's with Rachel.

It doesn't stop her from hoping though.

-----

There's an odd sense of relief that washes through her, when Naomi finally steps back in to her house, as if everything outside of its four walls is nothing but a dangerous and dark jungle where the world is just waiting to attack her.

She leaves Effy alone with JJ with a quiet nod of her head and gladly takes Bricker up to her room, putting the children's channel on her TV for him to watch while she curls up on her bed and closes her eyes, takes comfort in knowing he's there with her, and that she isn't really alone.

When she wakes it's almost dark outside, the stars and moon gently glimmering as they appear on the sky's blank canvas. The first thing she notices when her eyes adjust properly, is that the TV's been switched off and there's no sight of Bricker at all; the house still and quiet. The second thing she notices is that her arm is carefully draped around a pillow, her hand resting just below the small piece of smiley faced paper. Naomi smiles to herself at the sight of the red squiggle and Bricker's barely formed handwriting, and tries not to laugh when she reads Effy's input of 'Translation: JJ's taking us out for some food. Didn't want to wake you. Will bring you something back. Eff xx'.

She's barely had time to brush her teeth and splash water on her face when she hears the doorbell ringing. Naomi dabs her face with the towel and wonders who could possibly be calling round to see them as she hurries down the stairs and towards the door calling a hasty "Just a minute".

Her chest clenches and the air rushes out of her lungs as soon as she opens the door, finds her mouth opening and closing in confusion but no words forming on her tongue. It's only when Rachel narrows her eyes at her and says, "Can I come in?" that Naomi remembers to talk, and has to swallow hard as she pulls the door open wider with a, "Yeah, of course." Rachel doesn't wait for a further invite, pushes her way past Naomi and heads straight down the hall and into the kitchen.

It takes Naomi a few seconds to pull herself together, finds she has to force her feet to move after Rachel and still can't comprehend why a woman who's dating her ex-girlfriend, a woman she barely knows, is suddenly standing in her kitchen with a slightly wild look in her eyes.

"Can I get you a drink?" Naomi asks, the words tripping awkwardly out of her mouth as she lingers in the doorway, unsure of why she's feeling like she's not allowed in her own kitchen.

Rachel shakes her head sharply in response. "No, but thanks."

Naomi swallows hard and nods her head, "Okay, sure, that's fine."

She feels Rachel's eyes trail up and down over her body and is overwhelmed by the urge to sink into herself, to fold her arms across her chest and try to protect herself from being exposed. Only it's ridiculous, because she's not naked in the slightest, and yet she can't help feeling like every inch of her is being studied as Rachel's icy gaze cuts into her skin.

"I didn't come here for a drink," Rachel adds after a few achingly long seconds.

Her words leave Naomi's heart pounding, a rush of bile creeping into her throat, and her head swooning with dizziness. She has to lean her weight against the doorframe when she seems the way Rachel purses her lips together.

Naomi knows it's dangerous to ask, but she can't stop the question spilling from her mouth. "Why are you here?"

She sees it then, the way Rachel's eyes cloud over, and it makes Naomi's skin crawl, makes her want to turn around and run as fast away as she possibly can. _She knows_, Naomi thinks wearily, and wonders just how much Emily's told her.

"I think you know why, don't you?" Rachel responds, her voice low and steady.

Naomi closes her eyes briefly, tries to think of something to say, anything that will make what she and Emily have been doing seem understandable, but she can't think of any. Doesn't think that claiming Emily's the love of her life will do her any favours and settles instead for nodding her head just once.

It goes silent then, stiflingly so, as Rachel lets out a shaky breath and looks away from her momentarily. It leaves Naomi feeling guilty, watching the pain she's caused someone else just by being in love and she braces herself for the onslaught of anger she's sure will follow, looks away from Rachel just so she doesn't have to watch her break any further.

But when it stays silent, when the burst of anger, the booming words, the throwing of objects and the stinging slap she's expecting doesn't come, Naomi glances back at her, finds Rachel looking at her with sad eyes.

An apology is on the tip of her tongue when Rachel finally says, "You should know that I'm leaving London for good." She offers Naomi a pitiful half-smile and Naomi finds herself surprised when it isn't laced with hate. "I managed to get my job back in Sheffield, so I'm leaving first thing tomorrow."

And suddenly it doesn't make sense. Naomi can't comprehend why Rachel's so calm, feels herself releasing a heavy breath and muttering a confused, "Wait a minute... what? Why?"

"I've ended things with Emily," Rachel states calmly, her eyes glimmering with sorrow. "It was time to let her go, you know?"

It fills Naomi with dread, her heart slowing to a stop as she tries her hardest not to crack under Rachel's gaze, doesn't understand why she seems so defeated, why she isn't trying to put up a fight for Emily, to warn Naomi away. Finds her voice breaking slightly when she says, "But why would you--"

Rachel shakes her head slowly, cutting off Naomi's reply and offering a small smile when she explains simply, "I'm giving her back to you."

Naomi feels the tears bursting from her eyes; it doesn't make sense why she's being so kind when Naomi stabbed her in the back, and can't help but feel desperately guilty. "Rachel... I don't--"

"It's the right thing to do, Naomi." Rachel looks away from her briefly before continuing, "I told Emily this morning and now I'm here to tell you. Don't be stupid and waste any more time than you already have." Rachel looks so crushed then that it hits Naomi that she doesn't know the whole truth, that whatever Emily has decided to admit to her, she's kept their betrayal out of it. "You two have no idea how lucky you are to have met the love of your life at age sixteen, so..." She lets out a shaky breath, adding, "I'm letting her go and giving her back to you."

It leaves Naomi feeling like shit, doesn't know what she's supposed to say to a woman who's so unaware and so willing to give them a second chance, that all Naomi can manage to do is look away from her, doesn't want Rachel to see the deception in her eyes.

Naomi shakes her head, pushes past the lump in her throat and murmurs the only thing she can think to say, the one thing she truly means, "I am so sorry."

Rachel shakes her head dismissively. "Just promise me you won't make the same mistake of letting her go again." Naomi wipes the tears from her eyes and sniffles as she weakly manages to nod her head. "Good," Rachel adds with a sincere smile. "Because if you get this wrong this time, and mess her up again Naomi, I will come back here and seriously kick your arse."

Naomi forces a choked laugh, and tries not to think about how unfair and cruel the world can be when she selfishly accepts Rachel's offer of a second chance with a, "I won't. I promise."

Rachel nods her head. "I left her in Bristol. I suspect she's gone to Katie's" before nodding her head one last final time and saying. "Take care of her for me, Naomi" and heading past Naomi and out of a door without a second's hesitation.

-----

Naomi doesn't bother packing a bag, doesn't want to waste another second, just grabs the nearest notepad and scrawls a quick message to Effy before heading back to the train station with determination set in her mind.

_It's now or never_, Naomi thinks, as the train pulls away from London and heads towards Bristol-- towards Emily.


	7. Emily's Interlude 2

**AN: Warning - **The last few scenes of this interlude go past the timeline we have reached in the main story from Naomi's POV. However we will rewind back to where we left off with Naomi in chapter five in the next (and final) chapter and some of the parts that happen here will arise again in order with the events that take place in her final chapter.

**Emily's Interlude #2**: Time Lapse Lifeline //_Seven years combined is just the flicker of a neon sign. Little negative of hopes refined._\\

It's a lot like being sucked in.

It's the only way Emily can think to describe it.

She reacts on instinct, goes to Naomi willingly when she feels herself being drawn towards her. She can't stop it, can't control the way her heart, body, soul and mind seem desperately aching to reconnect with Naomi's.

It makes Emily think of magnets, how they come together without restraint, eager to stay attached. But it doesn't make sense, one negatively charged magnet and one positively charged magnet make a pair, but two of the same only act to repel against each other, pushing each other away, never fully touching, never fully connecting.

She ponders the idea then; of what pole she would be, positive or negative. It seems fairly obvious when she thinks of Katie, who will always be the negative in their relationship. She must be the positive, because despite all of their arguments and desire to pull away from each other they never really can, they're a pair. Katie's the dark while she's light; the perfect match.

Rachel calls for her to come to bed, but her feet don't move on command like they should. Instead she lets herself consider what Rachel is in this magnet scenario. _Positive_, Emily thinks after a second, knows that Rachel is always optimistic, always hopeful, always believing, never wanting to give up on anything; she's definitely a positive.

It only occurs to Emily as she makes her way up the stairs that she and Rachel are both positive in a world where that equation doesn't really match up.

_Resist_, Emily thinks as she slides into her side of the bed and watches Rachel turn out the light. Closes her eyes and let's herself think of briefly of Naomi.

If she's positive then Naomi is definitely--

_Oh_, Emily thinks as Rachel snuggles in closer to her, sliding an arm possessively around her waist that feels entirely too restricting, _opposites attract_.

-----

It happens the moment that she sees them interact together at the zoo.

Emily feels her chest constricting pleasantly as her heart bursts with something akin to pride while she watches Bricker's little hand wrapped securely in Naomi's own, Naomi pointing out the animals to Bricker as they walk around and each time imitating the animal in a goofy way that makes Bricker giggle beautifully, his face lighting up with a fond smile whenever Naomi reaches out for him.

Afterwards Naomi will always turn to her, smile softly in a way that has never not made Emily's stomach flutter, and teasingly say something along the lines of, "Get over here and join in Em". And just like that she's pulled in from being an observer to taking part in a life that feels far too much like a dream to be real.

But then the back of Naomi's hand will brush against her own while they walk, and it's shocking at first, that reminder that she isn't seventeen, day-dreaming on her bed about the life she and Naomi could someday share together. It's a knock back to reality, to see Naomi with Bricker, looking over him with so much love that Emily can hardly believe that the woman standing in front of her is the same girl she fell blindly in love with.

Only this time her eyes are open, and they're not seventeen anymore. Everything's different and yet the same; she's falling and doesn't want to ever stop.

-----

Her lungs ache with every breath she takes, the air thick with something entirely intoxicating as she watches Naomi delicately place Bricker into his bed, wrapping the sheets around him carefully and brushing a loving kiss across his forehead.

Naomi moves to stand beside her and doesn't say a word as she watches Bricker sleep with a beautifully fond smile tugging at the corners of her lips. It takes Emily back to that old couple, still together, still looking at each other in a way that spoke of their years of devoted love for one another.

She can't help bringing them up as her memory of their afternoon fills her mind. She isn't really aware of anything that she's saying until Naomi turns her head towards her and their eyes meet. Emily stops breathing then, sees Naomi's eyes drop to her lips and feels herself edging closer without warning, leaning in towards Naomi without control.

It makes her eyes feel heavy, her body overpowered by the haze that captures her completely as Naomi's lips come closer to her own at a pace that is achingly slow, but a second before they touch, Effy's voice bellows loudly, bouncing off the walls around them and making her snap her body away from Naomi's like it hurts her to be so close.

It's shocking then, the way that her heart beats rapidly, the way that she has to look away from Naomi in fear of being sucked in by whatever spell is still lingering between them. The guilt washes over her quickly, leaves Emily feeling so sick that the only thing she can think to do is flee the scene all together.

_This isn't happening to me_, Emily thinks as she scrambles unsteadily back into her car, _it can't be_.

-----

She kisses Rachel fiercely the moment she sets foot into their house; presses her up against the kitchen counter and muffles Rachel's surprise with hungry lips and forceful hands. Rachel doesn't protest, just sinks into her and lets Emily kiss her, responding only to tangle her hands into Emily's hair as she gently walks them backwards towards the stairs.

When they reach their room, Emily doesn't waste time stripping Rachel from her clothes and pressing her to the bed, her lips hot on Rachel's neck and fingers pressed within her as she fights to reset the unbalance that her day with Naomi has brought between them.

Rachel cries out her name when she comes and Emily almost feels like she's done it, she's put things back the way they're supposed to be, made Rachel her equivalent; the equilibrium of her world set right once again.

But then Rachel rolls them over, settles Emily against the mattress and works down her body so slowly that it forces Emily to squeeze her eyes tightly shut. It should be out of pleasure when her knuckles turn white from the grip she has on the sheets but instead she's overcome by unbearable pain; bites down hard on her lip to stop herself from crying when her mind refuses to shut off.

Emily knows it isn't right, when she comes, letting out a shuddering breath instead of Rachel's name, and of being disappointed when she reopens her eyes to find green staring back at her instead of the blue she'd hoped for.

-----

She doesn't make her presence known when she arrives, manages to sneak in unseen and just watches for a long time. It's soothing, watching JJ interacting with Bricker, to see that bright smile on JJ's face reflected on the little boy in front of him, it makes everything feel simpler, less terrifying that something so tangled can be unwoven and carefully put straight.

JJ catches sight of her after awhile and waves a little tentatively as he takes in the look on her face. He bobs down and whispers something to Bricker, pointing his finger towards a group of boys playing with some _Lego_ and watches until Bricker has joined in with them before making his way over to Emily.

He doesn't say anything when he sits down next to her, just studies her face and waits for Emily to start talking. It's how their friendship has always worked, he doesn't know how to push her for answers and she doesn't give them until she's ready.

"Do you think you'll ever want that?" Emily asks, turning her attention away from the children playing and finally meeting JJ's eyes.

JJ looks flustered by her sudden question, his eyes blinking rapidly. "Want what?"

Emily runs her fingers through her hair and shrugs her shoulders, her head nodding in Bricker's direction. "A family? Children?"

"Well it is the normal desire for most species to want to mate and breed because--"

"Jay..." Emily says his name softly, placing her hand on his arm and giving him a small smile.

JJ swallows and looks pensive for a long moment before he finally says, "Despite all of that, I haven't ever really considered it because it's something that a person should only think about when they're in a committed relationship, which I haven't ever really been in... and well, you really should have a steady lifestyle and the financial ability if you're going to bring a child into the world."

"What about Effy? You two are getting serious, aren't you?"

"Yes, well." JJ looks bashful then, a small flush colouring his cheeks. "She already has Bricker doesn't she? And Naomi is there to provide additional support regardless of not being Bricker's other biological parent."

Emily lets out a shaky breath and tries to ignore the headache that's setting in. "But if things changed, if Naomi wasn't there, if she was with-- somebody else, would you like that? To spend more time with Effy and Bricker?"

JJ looks confused as to where this conversation is going, picks up on the change in the pitch of Emily's tone and says, "In that case, yes, I think I would like that, very much." He follows Emily's eye line and let's himself watch the children with her for a few seconds before continuing, "What about you Emily, would you like children?"

Emily doesn't want to think about it, doesn't know why she's even asking, but it's all been _too_ much.

Too much with Rachel and too much of Naomi; her head feels overcome by how much she feels for both of them. And she hates that in some ways it's still not enough; that there's never enough of her to go around, to give everyone- Katie, Rachel, Naomi, her parents- a piece of herself.

She turns her gaze back over to JJ, her voice unexpectedly quiet when she finally says, "With the right person I would. I mean, a child has to come from a home of love, y'know? It can't just happen because two people selfishly think they can do it; they have to actually become parents, make it work out of unconditional love and trust for one another as well as the baby they bring into the world. It's a lot."

JJ nods his head slowly at her answer and looks about as concerned as he ever does when he finally asks, "Do you think that you and Rachel will ever have children?"

Emily looks away from him then, doesn't know how to answer, what the right answer even is, and she doesn't understand how she's gone from feeling like her life was planned out for her, to feeling so utterly lost again.

Bricker appears in front of them a second later, holding out a _Lego_ brick for JJ and Emily feels thankful that he's stopped her from having to answer. "Come play Jay, we can build a house."

JJ smiles back at him. "That sounds like a good idea." He touches Bricker's shoulder and then points at Emily. "Aren't you going to be polite and say hello to Emily?"

Bricker shuffles on his feet, his eyes looking over in her direction but not meeting her own for a few long seconds, but then he smiles when she does and says, "Hey Emlee, you come and play too?"

Emily smiles back at him and stands along with JJ when she replies, "I'd love too," and lets Bricker take her hand and lead her over to the piles of _Lego_.

And then it doesn't matter, none of it does, not for the next few minutes when all that's important is what colour bricks they use for the house and Emily relishes in Bricker's offer to unknowingly grant her an momentary escape.

-----

It's bloody ridiculous how much seeing Naomi with another _woman _makes her feel like she's suffocating; her lungs are burning so much that it physically hurts Emily to breathe.

She doesn't know why she does it either, acts like a rude, snotty twat and come across as a complete dick to the girl Naomi has brought along with her, just knows that her vision blurs to red and she can't shake it away even for a second.

She stops breathing all together when they finally get outside of the stifling restaurant, her efforts to use Rachel as a shield backfiring completely when Naomi pulls Melanie into her body and kisses her deeply and openly enough for Emily to see.

And then Naomi pulls back and catches her eye, throws a smirk at her that causes more damage than Emily can remembering suffering for a long time and wills herself not to give Naomi back the power to make her cry as she averts her gaze.

-----

She latches onto Rachel as soon as they get home and kisses her forcefully in a way that she knows will leave their lips bruised for days. Emily doesn't worry what it means when Rachel just goes along with her, lets Emily fuck her wild and hard up against the wall of their hallway.

They invade her head, flashes of Naomi with Melanie, and it's so agonizing that all Emily can think to do is sink her teeth into the skin of Rachel's shoulder and hiss out in pain as Rachel's comes, clawing her fingers down the flesh of Emily's back; deep enough to draw blood and mark her.

Emily studies them in the mirror later that night - once Rachel's fallen asleep, sweaty and exhausted and tangled up in their bed - sees the deep red marks etched into her skin and hopes that seeing them every time she undresses for the next few days will keep her grounded, keep her here, where she's meant to be and not treading dangerously across that line that continues to blur and waver inside of her mind of what's right and wrong.

-----

She does well for the most part, doesn't let herself think about Naomi (doesn't acknowledge that it takes effort not to) and focuses instead on the way her life with Rachel was before they ever moved to London; easier, less complicated, _safe_.

"Effy's taking Bricker back home to see her mum this week," JJ tells her over the phone one evening.

Emily knows she shouldn't ask, but she does anyway. "I suppose Naomi's going with them, then?"

She hears ruffling on the phone and JJ's usual muttering about something entirely unrelated before he replies, "No, actually. Effy wanted to go and do this on her own. I believe her relationship with her mother is still as complicated as it was when we were adolescents."

"Oh. So she's home alone then?" Emily curses herself the moment the words leave her mouth, and feels her resolve crumbling as soon as JJ replies with a simple "Yes."

She scrolls through her phone the moment she hangs up with JJ and lets her finger hover over the option to call Naomi, but she can't quite do it. She doesn't know what to say when the last time they saw each other they'd almost-- and then she'd avoided Naomi for days. There was no way that Naomi wouldn't know what she'd been doing by trying to put some space between them, but they couldn't keep doing this, couldn't keep living with the obvious awkwardness that sometimes settled over them. They had to find a way to deal with it, and maybe forgetting about it, acting like none of it had happened, that they were just friends would work.

Emily decides on a text, thinks that it's safer somehow, that she can delete the evidence from her outbox and pretend she never tried contacting Naomi if she doesn't receive a reply.

-----

Naomi's reply is equally as casual, friendly without a hint of why they haven't spoken for days hidden behind her words and Emily finds herself at Naomi's house armed with bottles of wine before she can ever think further about their problems.

It goes well for the most part, they drink, they talk, they laugh, and Emily is almost surprised that she's let herself forget just how much she enjoys spending time with Naomi when everything is relaxed and uncomplicated.

But then Naomi mentions the MDMA brownies, and it's like a snowball effect, the way Naomi has pushed that first domino down and all they can do is watch as the rest of them go down in turn. The air between them changes so quickly into something thick that makes it even harder for Emily in her hazy state to think rationally about the way things are progressing.

One minute Naomi's fingers are on her neck and the next thing Emily becomes aware of is Naomi's mouth pressing against her own. It acts like a jolt, sends her reeling backwards and away from Naomi as quickly as she can, realisation of what she's let happen between them slapping Emily hard in the face.

And so she does the only thing she can think of, runs.

-----

Emily doesn't head home, doesn't know how she could possibly face Rachel after letting Naomi's lips press against hers. It isn't right and it most certainly isn't fair and-- she hates herself for not being able to think of anything other than how good it had felt to have Naomi touch her, to kiss her again.

She drives around for almost an hour, sorting it all out in her head and telling herself what is right and what is wrong and before she knows it she's back outside Naomi's house, banging impatiently on the door and feeling like she could almost burst from the anger she can feel seeping out of her skin.

She starts off strong, manages to believe in herself and the words she's saying but then Naomi looks at her in a way that's totally open and so obviously pained that it breaks Emily in a second, leaves her ending her argument begging Naomi with a pathetic 'please' and somehow, even as the words fall from her mouth Emily isn't sure if the please is really to ask Naomi to stop or whether she's begging her not to.

It only gets worse when Naomi gets close enough to touch Emily's face and says those three words that Emily yearned for Naomi to truly mean every single day that they were together. And it surprises Emily just how much it hurts to hear Naomi finally say it, to finally mean it, so much so that she can't help but sob through the overwhelming relief she feels that she hasn't always been alone in this all these years, that Naomi has been there too, has been struggling to contain it just as much as she has.

Love, it's the last word Emily's conscious of as she pulls Naomi closer and kisses her back.

-----

Emily doesn't think then, she can't if she's to have this.

She takes as much as Naomi as she can and finds herself drowning when Naomi lets her, offers up more of herself than Emily can ever remember her doing before, and it's beautiful then, watching Naomi so free and willing beneath her hands and mouth, and hearing Naomi moaning out her name as she comes before pulling Emily in for a kiss that's so deep and so loving that Emily feels completely dizzy; intoxicated on Naomi alone.

And then Naomi touches her and it's so strikingly different to all of the other times that Naomi's touched her that Emily almost can't breathe. Naomi's so gentle, so tentative in exploring every inch of her body like she's never seen it before that Emily can't help but squeeze her eyes tightly shut, it feels too much, so much with the way Naomi's eyes are burning into her skin; unravelling Emily more with every second longer that she doesn't look away.

It's when Naomi whispers her name and caresses her face, her own eyes flooded with tears and says so gently, so honesty, "It's okay, I promise." that Emily lets herself break under Naomi's loving command.

-----

Naomi holds her when she cries, tries to soothe her with words of comfort, of promises that Emily can't think about let alone comprehend when all she feels is a sense of helplessness; a need for answers that won't change anything now but still answers she's craved all these years.

Naomi keeps saying she's sorry as if that alone can erase the time they've wasted and holds Emily closer, kisses her again as if to prove it, and Emily lets her, kisses back with wild intensity, wants Naomi to show her just how much she loves her again and again until it's all Emily's sure of in the world and nothing else matters.

-----

It's waking up and hearing Rachel's voice on the phone that immediately infects Emily with guilt so powerful that she can't bear to look Naomi in the eye. She knows it was wrong to have been so selfish and let herself fall into the moment with Naomi but knows there's also no way she could have stopped it. It's how things were between them, always.

She just hopes she can put a stop to it now before she causes anymore damage and hurt to the two women she loves.

-----

Rachel smiles up at her from her place on the sofa when Emily walks into the house, puts down the file she's reading and slips her glasses off of her nose and says, "You look like you had a rough night. Come sit down, darling, I'll fetch you some tablets for that killer hangover I'm sure you have."

Emily can only nod her head mutely in response and has to bite down hard on her tongue to stop the onslaught of tears she can feel building in her eyes, knows there's nothing she can do or say to ever take back what she's done.

"Here, take these," Rachel says handing out a glass of water and the tablets and smiles fondly as Emily weakly swallows them down. "Aw sweetheart, you look awful." She reaches out a hand and brushes the hair away from Emily's face before continuing, "You guys really out did yourselves, huh?"

Emily swallows down the lump that forms in her head and squeezes her eyes shut when her vision fills with memories of Naomi, panting and whimpering beneath her. She feels Rachel sigh as she takes the glass from Emily's hand and a moment later Rachel's resumed her position on the couch and is pulling Emily in to sit between her legs; Emily's back pressed to her chest as she wraps her arms tightly around Emily's waist and presses a soft kiss to the top of her shoulder.

Emily lets out a shaky breath and tries not to tense in Rachel's arms as she fails to shut out the images of Naomi, and tries not to think how she's now tainted every caress and every kiss that Rachel will ever give her.

Lets the silence swallow her whole and hopes Rachel won't say anything that will cause her to crack and reveal her wrongdoings.

-----

Emily closes her eyes, focuses on keeping her breathing steady and doesn't move an inch when she feels Rachel carefully slip into bed next to her, knows her mission of faking to be asleep has passed with flying colours when she hears Rachel breathing evenly beside her a few moments later.

It's only then, when she's sure that she won't have to face looking into Rachel's caring green eyes that Emily shifts over enough to lie on her side and watch Rachel sleep; takes in the way her face is illuminated beautifully by the sliver of moonlight creeping in through the curtains and can no longer hold back her guilt-ridden tears.

She sobs quietly, muffling the sound into her pillow as she watches Rachel sleeping and reaches out gently to run her fingertips through Rachel's silky brown hair, feels Rachel nuzzle into her touch and hates how unaware she's made Rachel of just how fucked up everything is.

Emily lets out a choked breath when Rachel unconsciously snuggles in closer to her a second later, throwing an arm over Emily's waist and can't help feeling her heart clenching so painfully in her chest that it hurts to breathe.

_It's what I deserve_, Emily thinks, and turns her face away from Rachel's own, unable to look at the woman who she's undeservedly betrayed in the worst way possible.

-----

"How's Naomi?" Rachel asks as she takes another bite of her desert.

It's said in such a conversational and easy way that Emily balks immediately, has to painfully swallow down her own mouthful before looking up at Rachel with wide eyes.

"She's fine, I think." She ducks her head down to look at her plate, prodding at her slice of pie with her spoon before cautiously adding, "Why are you asking?"

Rachel shoots her a fond smile. "Because she's your friend, and I like her, and I'd like to get to know her and Effy better. Is that not okay?"

Emily nods her head mutely, can't think of any other way to reply when talking will only make her want to say 'no' and she knows that saying no will only bring up more questions that she can't answer honestly.

She settles for a forced smile instead and spoons another piece of the pie into her mouth and says, "The apple crumble is amazing, I'm lucky you're such a good chef," and thanks God that Rachel takes the bait of praise so easily and drops talking about Naomi all together.

-----

It feels a lot like sabotage. As if the world is setting her up to pay for her mistakes in the worst possible form of torture; her current girlfriend and her ex staring up at her from their seats in her garden, both looking at her in a way that undoes her completely.

Rachel seems completely oblivious to the awkwardness of the moment she's created just by throwing this simple housewarming get together, and Emily's never been more thankful that Rachel keeps up with her perfect social butterfly skills as she slips back into conversation with Effy, failing to notice the way Emily can't bring herself to look in Naomi's direction at all.

And it's hard not to look, because she knows she wants to, has missed Naomi to the stage of aching while they've been apart these last few days and yet Emily's aware of how wrong even that notion is. She shouldn't miss her, because missing her leads to wanting her and Emily can't want her because it isn't right, she can't and letting herself look at Naomi will ruin her restraint in a spilt second.

But Naomi doesn't play fair, and Emily drops the bottle of wine she reaches for, jerks as Naomi's warm hand skims across her thigh, cursing loudly as she jumps back, the wine slipping from her unsteady fingers and watches the bottle shatters before her eyes.

_Just like my life_, Emily thinks momentarily before Rachel's voice fills her ears and instructs her back to the house to clean up.

-----

"Do you love her?"

Emily hears each word fall from Naomi's mouth like a gun-shot and has to squeeze her eyes tightly shut to save herself from seeing Naomi's face breaking in the same way that her voice has, knows it'll kill her completely to have to look back into those deep blue eyes and attempt an answer that isn't the truth but also isn't a lie.

She lets out a shaky breath and forces her eyes back open to find Naomi's, wants her to see it all, all of the honesty and all of the reasons why, hopes that just by being able to look at her that maybe Naomi will finally understand everything that Emily can't seem to actually say.

Emily finally responds after a long moment with, "Yes, I love her."

Naomi's response comes like a reflex, the breath escaping her mouth is choked and painful and she tears her eyes away before Emily can see any of the damage she's just caused. It's not shocking at all then, when Emily finds her own breath catching, feels her chest constricting agonizingly, her eyes burning with tears just waiting to fall free.

And then Naomi looks back at her, the spark in her eyes extinguished by obvious defeat and tears spilling down her cheeks when she offers up a pathetic and sorrowful attempt at a smile and says, "I just needed to hear you say it." before turning on her heel and retreating away from her; each step she takes sounding dreadfully final.

It's that thought alone that unravels Emily completely, makes her heart burst with all of the feelings that she'd packed away and tried to keep hidden and removed from her life for the last seven years, until she can do nothing but quell the unbearable aching of utter emptiness in her chest by stopping Naomi leaving; calling out for her desperately.

And she says it then, admits it openly as she whispers through a trembling voice, "I love her. But not like I love you."

When Naomi reaches for her then, pulls their bodies together tightly into a needy embrace, Emily can do nothing but shudder. It feels so right, being back in Naomi's arm, it's the only place she's ever felt safe and yet for all that it makes her feel, it's still not enough, it never was, not when Naomi was always so close and yet so far away, and it wakes Emily up, reminds her of the reality that for all of their closeness, for all of their stolen moments and hushed confessions, they're still worlds apart.

It hurts just as much as it did the first time, to have to admit that love isn't always all it was meant to be, that loving someone can't overcome every obstacle between them, to be the one to have to call it off and to have to pull away from Naomi and break both of their hearts with a truthful, "It's not enough Naomi."

But even after she says it, even after she walks away and back to Rachel, Emily can't help herself from wishing that it was.

-----

JJ looks worried when he opens the door to see her, his hair sticking up at every angle and his eyes still a little sleepy. He opens the door wider and lets her pass him wordlessly, Emily moving into his living room and sloppily throwing herself onto his couch with a distressed sigh.

"I've done something awful Jay. Really gone and cocked everything up." Emily looks up at him with tears in her eyes, wipes at them furiously when they leak down onto her cheek and murmurs a broken, "I don't know what I'm fucking doing."

JJ blinks at her a few times, looking a mixture of confused and bewildered before saying, "My mum always said that although it's a basic instinct and our bodies do it automatically, sometimes just breathing deeply can help make things seem clearer."

Emily looks back at him mutely and can't stop her lips from creeping up into a smile despite how messed up everything has become. JJ's always been surprisingly solid in her life and it's something Emily's grateful for. There's no conflict when it comes down to JJ, he is how he is and he's kind and caring and Emily likes that he'll listen without judgement. She especially likes moments like this, where she's almost in a state of panic and his inability to not switch off the thoughts in his head, to direct a response back at her that is just one of his simple facts, makes Emily feel strangely calmed.

He makes her a cup of tea and they're silent for a long while before Emily finally says, "I slept with Naomi." JJ looks at her with wide eyes and nods his head muttering an 'oh bobbins' before she adds, "And I'm still in love with her."

JJ swallows loudly and then says, "But you're with Rachel. In a monogamous relationship, right? Well clearly not given what you've just told me but--"

"I don't want to be _that_ person Jay," Emily responds, cutting JJ off and standing abruptly from the couch. "I can't be somebody that cheats and lies. That's why I'm here; I need you to help me stay away from Naomi."

"But you just said that you love her Emily, why would you want to stay away from her?"

"Because Rachel's a good person, and I'm with her." Emily lets out a shaky breath and runs her fingers through her hair. "I need you to tell Naomi to back off and leave me alone; being around her, having her so close... it's making things too hard. I can't stop if-- I need her to give me some space; I want my life back to the way it was before this all happened." Emily reaches for his hand then. "Please do this for me, Jay. I really need you."

JJ looks down at their hands, sees Emily's small one gripping tightly at his own, and wonders when it was that he stopped noticing just how delicate Emily really is. He covers her hand with his other one and offers her a small smile. "I'll do whatever I can to help Emily."

Emily tries not to cry then, but fails completely as JJ pulls her into his arms and stokes his hands soothingly across her back as she sniffles into his shoulder and tells her that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. She hopes that he's right and that having him on her side will help her put the final stop to the trail of destruction she's recklessly managed to create.

-----

Emily doesn't ask JJ for details on what happened and is relieved when he doesn't offer any information up. It's not that she doesn't want to know what he said, or how Naomi reacted to it all, she just knows that it's for the best if she tries to switch it off now, tries to stop caring before it's too late to turn back.

It's harder to do than she'd hoped for.

-----

As soon as they get to Bristol, Emily leaves Rachel at the hotel and heads straight round to Katie's; the desire to relish in that simple comfort that she gets from Katie just being near her sitting heavily in her chest.

Katie opens the door with a smile that fades quickly once she sees her, stares silently at her for a long moment before pulling Emily into a hug and pressing a kiss to her temple. She doesn't ask, she hasn't in a long time and it's a habit Emily is mostly thankful for, that Katie learnt when to back out of her life just enough to let her live it but still kept close enough to remind Emily that she was there if she needed her.

Sometimes Emily wishes that she hadn't fought so hard to break away from her because now she's always left to make the first move, to break through Katie's questioning silence and reveal herself, and she's not sure she can this time, isn't sure there's enough words to possible describe everything that Katie has missed.

They don't really speak about much at all, nothing that matters anyway, until Katie finishes adding a final pin to the hem of the dress Emily's wearing and looks over Emily's shoulder to offer her a gentle smile.

"You look beautiful Ems; beautiful but sad."

Emily catches her eye then, and has to look away. Katie knows her too well, has always been able to tune into when something isn't quite right and so she breaks away from Katie's knowing gaze and nods her head in a way that she hopes is reassuring.

"I'm fine Kay." She glances up in time to see Katie's eyebrows quirk up disbelievingly and rolls her eyes when she adds, "Seriously."

Emily watches as Katie purses her lips together in response as she sets about adding more clips to Emily's hair to stop the strands that keep falling into her eyes. It isn't until Katie's standing in front of her, sliding the last clip into place that she looks carefully over Emily's face before asking, "Are you happy?"

And she has to force a laugh then, has to smile despite herself and slap Katie's hand away from her face if she's ever to get Katie to believe her for a second. "I just told you that I'm fine."

Katie frowns at her and shakes her head just once. "But being fine and being happy isn't the same thing, Emily, you know that."

She kind of hates it then, how Katie's turned from being the self-absorbed girl that she once was to the girl who pulled her life together and grew up because it makes Emily feel guilty for not phoning sooner, for not trusting Katie to help her before things escalated to the stage that they have, and yet Emily knows deep down that nothing Katie could have possibly of said, or says, will be able to change or undo what was always going to happen when Naomi crashed back into her life.

"I know they're not the same," Emily replies softly wanting to ease Katie's worry. "But I am happy, okay?" It's the hardest lie she's had to tell since lying to her parent's about being with Naomi back when they were sixteen and it leaves a horrible knot in her stomach that makes her want to immediately take it back.

Katie unzips the back of her dress and lets Emily change back into her clothes before saying, "Does Rachel still make you happy?"

And it comes out of nowhere, catches Emily so off guard that she falters for a second too long before she responds, "Yes-- of course she does. Why would you even ask me that?" But it's too late then, Katie's seen it, whatever it is that she was looking for and she's staring back at Emily with a look that tells Emily she knows she's lying.

"Just checking," Katie says, and it's said in such a way that Emily feels a lump lodging in her throat and stopping her from defending herself from whatever it is that Katie's silently implying.

But it doesn't matter a second later that she can't, when Katie presses a kiss to her forehead and runs a comforting hand down her arm with a, "It'll be all right, yeah? I promise." that makes Emily tear up instantly.

-----

Naomi's scowling; it's the first thing Emily notices when she sees her standing at the altar with Kieran as they wait for Gina's arrival.

She looks slightly uncomfortable and Emily knows her well enough to know that she hates being at the centre of attention when she isn't in control of what's happening. Naomi glances over in her direction and catches her eye, it makes Emily's stomach flutter when she offers up a smile; not sad or laced with regret, just a beautiful smile that leaves Emily reeling.

Gina looks stunning too and Emily can't remember ever seeing her look so happy, so at ease, and it makes her smile when she sees the same look reflected back on Kieran's own face. It makes Emily briefly think of fate, wonders if Kieran and Gina were always meant to be and thinks that they were the moment they start their vows, looking at each other with such raw love that it makes Emily's heart clench in her chest painfully, her eyes filling with tears as she settles her gaze onto Naomi.

Naomi shuffles on her feet and Emily knows that she must feel her eyes upon her because within seconds she carefully lifts her head to her and lets their eyes lock. She feels her breath catch in her throat and it feels strangely personal then, when Gina and Kieran pass back their '_I love you's,_' feels as if with that one look, they're saying it silently to each other.

Naomi tears her eyes away from her and Emily can see the trail of tears on her cheeks, reaches up to her own face to find her own cheeks wet and knows at once that she's being cruel just by being here, is slowly killing them both with everything that's been said and everything that hasn't; with everything that's happened and everything that can't.

-----

She tries not to make eye contact with Naomi anymore that night, instead focuses all of her energy on Rachel and tries to enjoy her company in the way that she knows she should.

It works for a little while, Rachel makes her forget with her easy smile and adorable laugh and it's almost enough just to be with her and only her until she catches sight of Naomi dancing with JJ. She doesn't mean to watch them over Rachel's shoulder, tries her hardest not to let herself fall back into the trap, but it's too late to escape when Naomi's gaze settles on her, she can't look away; it feels like drowning and she's not sure she wants to fight against it. Not sure that she even could.

She feels Rachel's lips brush against her ear and forces herself to look away from Naomi and back at the woman she should be focusing on, sees Rachel's face light up with a smile as she says, "As much as I'd love to spend all night dancing with you, I really need to make a couple of calls for work. I'll be back in as soon as possible, okay? It shouldn't take too long. Will you be all right?"

Emily nods her head in response. "Sure, go. I'll be fine. I'll just grab a glass of wine while I wait for you." Rachel smiles and presses a kiss to her cheek before heading out into the garden.

The next song starts a second later and Emily feels lightheaded when she realises what song it is, looks over at Naomi and knows that she's not the only one reliving a memory from their past. She sees the small smile playing over Naomi's lips and can't help her own from curling up slightly in response.

She sees Kieran approach Naomi on wobbly legs as he shoves clumsily at Naomi's arm and slurs, "You two need to be fucking dancing, it's my wedding night. Everyone should be dancing like a loon." He waves his hand in her direction and beckons her over towards them.

Emily knows that it's probably wrong, that it will more than likely end up as another mistake on her long list as she feels her feet responding automatically and leading her over towards Naomi, but then she reminds herself that it's just a dance and that they're surrounded by other people, thinks there's no way the next three minutes or so can be anything other than harmless and so she gives in to her want and lets herself reach out for Naomi; sliding one hand to rest up on her shoulders as her other hand rests perfectly in Naomi's own.

She can't stop her eyes from slipping shut as Naomi's hand settles low on her back, forcing them together and closing the remaining space between them completely. Emily feels Naomi's warm breath against her cheek and feels a content sigh escaping from between her lips. It's utterly ridiculous how right it feels, just being back in Naomi's arms, feels like the all of the heavy pressure that's been sitting on her chest and crushing her down for the longest time is finally shifting away and leaving her lightheaded; consumed by the moment as everything seems to fade away.

It's when Naomi shifts their position until their foreheads are resting against each other that Emily dares to open her eyes, it hits her quickly how intoxicated she feels and all she manages to think is _blue, achingly blue_, before her eyes slip shut again, their bodies never stopping to sway to the music.

The air around them seems thicker than it should and it leaves Emily feeling overwhelmingly hazy as the music quietens and trails off in to silence. It comes as a shock when she opens her eyes to find Naomi so close to her, her eyes still shut as she breathes out shakily against Emily's skin. It feels like she's moving instinctively when she lifts her hand up to Naomi's face, smoothing her fingertips down the soft skin of Naomi's cheek and watching the way that her eyes flutter open at the contact as she brushes the pad of her thumb over Naomi's lush bottom lip; soaking in each and every detail that she can.

Music echoes around them again and draws Emily sharply out of the moment, leaving her feeling like she can't breathe as a deep sadness sets back into her chest, painfully reminding her that this isn't how things were supposed to go.

Emily sees the way Naomi's eyes glimmer with hurt and disbelief and it's enough to make her heart clench tightly with guilt. She steps back from Naomi's arms and offers her a smile that she knows Naomi will understand as an apology before walking away and regretfully leaving Naomi behind once again.

-----

She doesn't remember much about the wedding after that, just knows that she numbs the pain with as much vodka as possible so she doesn't have to keep wondering why it hurts so much to do the right thing.

-----

Emily wakes with a dull throbbing consuming her head; blinks her eyes open wearily and lets out an irritable groan when the bright light hits her.

She shuffles over in the bed, twisting her body beneath the covers and reaches out into the space next to her searching for a warm body only to be met with cool sheets. She forces her eyes open again and feels instantly confused and on edge as to why the other side of the bed doesn't appear to have been slept in, everything arranged just the same as it was when they checked into the apartment hotel.

A wave of nausea rises quickly up in her throat and Emily has to rush from the bed and into the bathroom as her stomach empties its contents of far too much alcohol. She rinses her mouth and splashes water on her face to try and make herself look halfway decent before heading into the kitchen.

Rachel's there when she enters the room, looking up from her seat at the table with a look that fills Emily with a sense of dread which is only amplified further when she sees the dark circles under Rachel's eyes and realises that she's still wearing the dress she wore to the wedding.

"What's wrong?" Emily croaks, her eyes clouding over with worry. "Why didn't you come to bed? Why are you still dressed like that?"

Rachel looks at her with deep sorrow etched painfully onto her face, ignores Emily's questions and says, "After I finally managed to get you back here and into bed, I watched you sleep for a long time, and for the first time since we've been together I felt wrong for doing so. I felt this sense of... shame, of guilt, for being here with you."

Emily swallows hard against the tightening in her throat and shakes her head in disbelief and confusion. "You're not making any sense here, Rach. I don't understand wha--"

"And so I came down here and I stayed up all night thinking about it all. About you and me, from the moment I met you at that bar until now, and I realised that there's always been something there, something not quite right; somehow we've never quite... fit, have we?"

She sees the tears rising in Rachel's eyes and takes a step towards her. "Babe, you're talking crazy, okay? We just need--"

"I think on some level I always knew the reason why. But I wanted it anyway. I wanted you." Rachel half-heartedly smiles at her. "And so I ignored it, I put blinders on and pretended that that part of you didn't exist, because if it didn't exist then I didn't have to worry about what it meant in the long-run and I could just be happy in the now. And that suited me, living each day as it was and not having to be scared about what the future held." She lets out a shaky breath before she adds, "But for the last few months it's gotten harder to just ignore it, Emily, and watching you last night made it clearer why."

"What do you mean watching me last night? Nothing happened. It was Gina's wedding-- we had a good time, we ate dinner, we danced--"

"Emily..." Rachel shakes her head. "I couldn't get a reception on my phone and when I came back in to find you, I saw you with her... with Naomi."

She feels the panic set in, cutting her sharply in the chest and making the air in her lungs heavy. She swallows down the thick lump in her throat and shakes her head. "It was just a dance, okay? It was nothing."

"That wasn't nothing, Ems," Rachel breaths out. "I watched the whole thing; I saw the way she looked at you, the way you looked at her. It was the same way that you two always look at each other, as if everybody and everything just falls away around you."

"Rachel..." Emily whispers brokenly, almost pleadingly, her heart pounding wildly in her chest with the inevitable feeling of knowing where this is heading.

Rachel's quite for a long second before her lips quiver up into a forced smile and says, "You love her." Emily averts her eyes, squeezes them shut tightly and lets out an unintentional choked sob. "You always have. You were never able to let her go, were you?"

It leaves Emily feeling sick and dizzy, forces her eyes back up to Rachel's, her voice desperate when she says, "I love you."

Rachel smiles softly at her. "I know you do. But it's not the same; you're not in love with me Emily. You never have been."

"That's not true." Emily shakes her head, feeling the sting of Rachel's words and needing to make things right, to just explain and fix things. "Falling in love just takes time. You need to give me more time, okay? That's all; we're great together and I--"

"We don't need time Ems, it wouldn't change things." Rachel stands from her seat and walks towards her, reaching out and holding Emily's hands in her own. "What you really need is for me to release you..." She lets out a shaky breath when adds, "And so I am. I'm moving back to Sheffield and you're going to go back to London and put things the way they're supposed to be." When Emily's sobs again, Rachel has to duck her head to keep her eyes on Emily's own, forcing her to look back at her. "It's time to stop pretending and hoping that what we have is more than what it is. It's time for me to let you go."

Emily sees the look of finality in Rachel's eyes and finds her heart bursting painfully in her chest. It isn't supposed to go like this; this isn't what her life was supposed to be. The tears spill from her eyes freely, her shoulders shaking from the shock of it all when she whimpers frantically, "Please don't do this. We can make it work, okay? I know we can, I'll try harder, I promise; don't do this to me, Rachel." She sees Rachel shake her head and cries harder, her voice lodging in her throat when she gasps out, "I didn't mean to hurt you."

Rachel reaches for her, pulls her in and holds her for a long moment before she pulls back and reaches up for Emily's face, brushing away her tears. "Shh, hey, listen to me. I know you didn't. But it's not fair to either of us to continue on like this. I can't keep holding onto your heart while it clearly belongs to someone else. And you can't keep trying to place my heart in a space where it doesn't fit; a space that belongs to her and always will."

It doesn't seem right. It isn't fair that this is happening, that she's allowed this to ever become something where this has to happen, and Emily can feel the guilt rising in her chest and tightening painfully around her heart as she thinks back to her night with Naomi, about all of the night's she's spent with Rachel wishing she was Naomi.

She didn't mean for this to happen, but it doesn't change that it is.

"But I wanted you to fit," Emily whispers sincerely.

Rachel smiles, and presses a kiss to Emily's temple. "I know that too. And that's why I'm okay letting you go. We both deserve more than what we have now, to be truly happy, yeah?" Emily stands motionless as Rachel presses one last gentle kiss to her lips, squeezing her tightly and whispering into her ear, "Don't waste anymore time trying to love the wrong person, Emily, not when she's right there and loving you back this time around" before letting her go for the last time.

-----

When Rachel leaves, closing the door behind with a gentle click that sounds deafeningly like their final ever goodbye, Emily sinks down to the ground and really cries, loud and harsh and ugly, each sob a painful reminder of all of the mistakes she's made and can never take back.

-----

She doesn't go home to London, stays in Bristol instead and goes to the one person who always feels more like home than any city ever could.

-----

Katie takes one look at her when she opens the door and just _knows_.

She doesn't say or do anything other than hold her arms out and let Emily fall into them; her face burying instantly into Katie's shoulder while she cries silently, and when Katie's hands soothingly rub at her back a split second later, Emily suspects that she always has.

-----

When the crying finally subsides, Emily finds it replaced with uncontrollable anger that leaves her skin itching unbearably as though all of the questions she's tried to bury away, tried not to let herself think about for all these years, are suddenly crawling to the surface and inching their way closer to bursting free.

She asks Katie for a shovel early the next morning, who merely raises an eyebrow inquisitively but says nothing while she heads out into the garden and returns with one a moment later, passing it over with a concerned look that Emily knows well enough by now to know that Katie wants her to talk.

But she can't. There isn't anything left to say about the mess she's created. Emily leaves a moment later, pressing a kiss to Katie's cheek that she hopes will ease some of her worry.

-----

If feels like a lifetime since she last made the trek all the way out here, doesn't remember it ever feeling so far away that her feet ached with each step closer that she got.

The first thing Emily thinks when she finally makes her way to the clearing is that it looks the same; feels just as still and beautiful as it always did. She can almost see it then, remembers the way the water of the lake had sparkled beneath the sunlight and how she hadn't been able to believe that Naomi had actually called her for once, had needed her.

She closes her eyes and breathes in, can almost smell the spliff they shared moments before Naomi had kissed her, before things changed between them for good. When Emily opens her eyes and looks over at the spot where they'd slept together down on the blanket - underneath the stars and huddled up together - she feels the same sense of disappointment and hurt she had on that morning she woke to find Naomi leaving her, running away from her again.

It still hits hard knowing that Naomi always left her, was always running from her and even when she wasn't she was never really there, was never really in it with her.

Emily lifts a hand to her face and wipes furiously at her eyes and, _fuck her_, because she had her chance, she had a whole two years of chances and she never took any of them. And now... now she's left Emily back at square one; empty and alone, with nothing. She's taken away a part of Emily's life she had no right to touch and worse than that, Emily has foolishly let her.

She resents it then, this lake, _their_ stupid lake and all that it stands for, all that it means about them, and she releases a whirlwind of curses that end with a screamed, "I fucking hate you."

And it doesn't matter whether who she means it for; herself, Naomi, the lake. Just knows that she can't handle it, the way the world seems to be laughing that it's once again managed to fuck up her life.

And so, _fuck you too_, Emily thinks, reaching for the shovel and stabbing it deeply into the ground with a piercing crunch, ripping up the earth and exposing what's always been kept safe beneath it, always kept trapped and never released, again and again until her arms are sore and her hands are bleeding; the pain drowning out the aching in her heart.

-----

She's exhausted by the time she feels she's done enough; her eyes stinging and her body breathless. It feels like she's achieved something, just by coming here, but she's not quite sure what it is yet, knows it'll come to her in time.

_Time heals everything_, Emily thinks a second later and scoffs; because if that isn't the biggest load of bullshit she's ever heard then she doesn't know what is.

She hears the sound of a twig snapping close by and a second later she's covered by a figure's shadow looming over her, looks up and sees Naomi staring down at her with an unreadable expression.

Emily knows she must have seen the state of her face, her cheeks muddy and her eyes red and puffy because after a second of silence Naomi's eyes soften and Emily watches the way her throat works as she shallows tightly around the words she wants to say.

"Rachel came to see me," is what Naomi finally says, clear and gentle and it makes Emily avert her eyes, sniffling back on fresh tears. When she doesn't say anything in response Naomi shuffles on her feet but refuses to look away from her. "What's with the hole? It looks like a bomb has gone off down here."

Emily can't help but notice the way Naomi's voice wavers off at the end, as if the lightness she had been trying to create between them was quickly swallowed by the gloomy dark.

She pierces Naomi with her eyes, looking up at her and says wryly, "It was time that we cut the ties to the past, don't you think?"

Naomi's face contorts with hurt as a frown materialises on her face and she shakes her head, her voice thick when she responds, "You really believe that?"

And Emily doesn't respond then, doesn't know how to say yes and no without making Naomi think something that she shouldn't. Instead she looks away from Naomi's blue eyes and purses her lips together.

Naomi slides down into the opposite side of the hole a moment later, her eyes falling to Emily's dirty, bloodied hands and instantly reaching for her with a breathy, "Jesus, Em."

Emily moves her hands away before Naomi can touch her and pulls her knees in tighter towards her chest. "Don't, okay? Don't you dare try and comfort me."

She sees the pain that flashes up in Naomi's eyes and has to bite down hard on her lip when Naomi whispers an aching, "Please, Emily" as she reaches out for her again.

"No, Naomi." Emily shoves Naomi's hands away from her and finds that her chest is tightening unbearably when she continues, "This doesn't mean we can just be together. You have no idea what you've done; Rachel's a great woman, who loves me, who was there for me when you weren't, and we-- I _hurt_ her. I _betrayed_ her." She feels her voice closing off as tears force their way out from her eyes. "Jesus, how could I do that to her." She doesn't mean to break, doesn't want to let Naomi see her this way, but she can't help the wracking sob that escapes her lips.

"Em, sweetheart, don't cry. Everything will be all right; we'll work it out, okay? I promise."

She feels Naomi shifting closer to her, her hands running up and down her arms and suddenly it leaves Emily feeling caged, suffocating with everything that is wrong with them. Pushes Naomi away with a forceful, "Get off me" before pushing herself to her feet and climbing out of the hole.

Emily barely manages to make it a few feet before Naomi's scampering after her and grabbing her by the arm. "Emily wait--"

"No. She may be right, and I may love you, but it doesn't make this," Emily gestures wildly between them as she adds, "_Us_, right. It never has. You didn't want me when you had me, and now I _can't_."

"Ems..."

Emily ignores the way seeing tears form in Naomi's eyes makes her heart clench when she says, "No, this changes everything between us again, Naomi."

Naomi shakes her head, murmurs, "Don't say that. I know we'll work it out."

Emily bites at her lip and averts her gaze, looks back at Naomi after a moment and says, "But what if I'm not sure that I can."

She sees the shock that creeps onto Naomi's face, hears the way that her breath catches as tears finally escape blue eyes and has to swallow down the lump in her own throat as she turns her back to Naomi and begins to walk away.

It's only when she hears Naomi call after her, "Emily, please don't walk away. I love you and I know you love me. Don't leave me here, be brave and stay with me." that she has to squeeze her eyes shut and force herself to keep walking, tries to remind herself that she's doing the right thing by putting the past to rest, and that only will she truly be able to live when she's stops holding onto that younger version of herself that fell in love with the blonde haired girl with the blue eyes and super model name, and finally lets the memories go.

Hopes it's easier a second time round.


	8. Chapter 6 The Final Chapter

**AN:** - Just a MASSIVE THANKS to all of you that have followed, read and commented on this. It's been a blast to write and hear what you've all thought :)

**Chapter Six:** Collide //_Out of the doubt that fills my mind. I somehow find you and I collide._\\

The Fitch house looks exactly the same as she remembers.

It's not surprising really, that Naomi still feels anxious when it finally comes into view, as if seeing it has launched her back several years and left her working up the courage to stop being a twat long enough to just ring the doorbell and tell Emily that she's sorry for whatever insensitive and idiotic crime she's committed this time.

It never was easy, approaching the place where Emily called home- even after Emily had made the Fitch's aware of their relationship, if anything Naomi remembers it being worse, especially those times when she'd had to sit opposite Jenna Fitch (after already being told once before to disappear) and have to suffer under her disgusted and relentless glare at some piss-poor attempt at a civilised dinner.

Naomi wonders what the consequences will be this time, when she finally announces her arrival, thinks that if her luck is anything to go by, it will be Jenna who will answer the door with that devilishly fierce look washing over her face, her lip snarling upwards and her eyes narrowing in on her. Wonders just how much gun-fire will be shot in her direction this time, when Jenna realises the reason Emily is still in Bristol is because of her, because of them and what they've fallen back into.

She suspects it'll sting like a bitch, that first slap Jenna will surely deliver to her face when she confesses to being the reason behind Emily's breakup to Rachel, when she confesses to being there to finally, and rightfully claim Emily back as hers.

But none of it matters, not if she can see Emily- hold her, tell her she loves her and make everything right, no, none of it matters if they're together.

It's almost comical how she still breathes in deeply and finds her hand shaking when she lifts her finger to press the doorbell, but it's not like it was before, she feels focused this time, determined not to let this chance- to let Emily, slip away from her again.

The wait is suffocating; each chirp of a bird, each ruffling of the trees in the wind amplifies the nervous fluttering in Naomi's stomach and leaves her heart beating rapidly with anticipation. It feels like she stares at the door forever trying to listen for any footsteps- only it seems eerily still, doesn't seem like there's any movement locked away inside and it leaves Naomi feeling horribly disappointed, as if her grand plan has crashed down before it could ever really take off.

"You looking for any Fitch in particular?" Naomi stiffens at the gruff, but always cheery voice, and turns slowly to see Rob staring at her; his eyes blinking rapidly as he sees her face.

"Hello Mr Fitch, long time no see, huh?" She replies awkwardly.

There's bafflement evident in his voice when he says, "Naomi, this is certainly a surprise; last I heard you'd gone off to some fancy university in London." Naomi almost looks away from him then, as if there's accusation to his words, but then he smiles and says, "What are you doing here?"

Naomi falters at the question, doesn't quite know what she's supposed to say and ends up settling for a simple version of the truth. "I was hoping Emily would be here."

Rob shakes his head with a grin. "Ah that's right, it was your mum's wedding wasn't it? Emsy said she and Rachel were coming down for it." He pauses and scratches at his head, "I'm sure they've headed back to London by now though."

She thinks momentarily about telling him the truth, telling him everything that's happened but it doesn't seem right to interfere with Emily's family, to tell them Emily's secrets when she's never really been considered part of their inner circle.

Instead she plasters a smile across her face and says, "Maybe you wouldn't mind giving me Katie's address? It's been far too long since I last saw her." Rob looks at her a little curiously and Naomi hopes he's forgotten how much Katie used to openly loathe her, hope he buys her lie and makes this easy for her.

"I'm sure our Katiekins would love that, she's always saying she misses her friends from college. Not that Stonem girl mind you, battered her up badly, which is surprising giving how weedy she looked in the photos I saw of her. She could have done with a few hours in a gym..." Naomi nods her head in agreement as Rob trails off and tries not to snigger at his description of Effy. "Come inside a minute, love. I'll write it down for you."

Naomi takes a breath and follows him into the house she knows both far too well and far too little, and hopes that maybe, one day, it'll feel more like a place she can consider as somewhere where's invited with welcoming arms.

-----

Odd, is the first thing to come to mind when Naomi reaches Katie's house, and it's that sentiment alone that she finds unusual to begin with, that Katie, the thoughtless girl who caused her nothing but hell for years on end, has her own, and what appears to be completely normal looking house.

And it's a little stupid, Naomi thinks, because _of course_ Katie has her own home now and isn't living tucked away in some kind of evil lair decorated in leopard print and cheap, tacky fake jewellery. It makes Naomi roll her eyes at herself, because surely Katie's changed as much as she has, as much as they all have, and well, it's the least Naomi can hope for as she approaches the door.

She doesn't think when she reaches out and presses the doorbell, thinks it's probably for the best if she goes up against Katie a little unprepared, because she never could be sure what would come spewing out of Katie's mouth, and if Emily's let on that Naomi's partly to blame for why she unexpectedly turned up on her sister's doorstep, then Naomi's pretty certain that Katie will have something to say about it and she can almost guarantee that it won't be friendly.

"You looking for Katie Fitch?" Naomi turns to see a little old lady with a warm smile poking her head out of the door belonging to the house next to Katie's and nods her head. The lady smiles and says, "You've missed her, took off around 8.a.m. to leave for work-- lovely, hard working girl... anyway she won't be back until this evening, although I do believe she has a house guest at the moment, twin sister, I think."

Naomi nods her head, "She's the one I'm here to see actually. Do you know if Emily will be back soon?"

The old lady purses her lips together in thought and after a long moment replies, "She also left first thing this morning, was carrying a large shovel... seems like a strange girl, that one." Naomi frowns at the response, doesn't understand why Emily would ever be carrying a shovel anywhere.

She realises she's being rude when she still feels the old ladies eyes on her and forces a smile in her direction. "Thanks for your help."

It isn't until she's almost back at her mum's that Naomi considers the possibility of all of the places Emily might have gone, comes up with one answer that seems certain and changes her course to head in the direction where it all really began for them.

-----

Naomi's always surprised by how each and every time she goes back there, to the lake-- to _their_ lake, just how much if fills her with an overwhelming sense of nostalgia of that very first time Emily had taken her there.

She always remembers the good parts first, the moments where Emily really stopped being someone so shy and tentative and finally became her own person- just Emily without the baggage that usually followed of 'the shy twin' 'the loser twin' 'Katie's sister' and where Naomi really saw her for the first time; eyes finally opened to the real Emily and not just the facade she'd hidden behind for all those years.

And it had been shocking at the time, shocking and lovely- _Emily_ had been lovely, and it's something that Naomi would have denied down to the bone if someone had asked her at the time it happened, but she knows now, she can admit it without that dreaded feeling of suffocating, that that first night she spent with Emily had been amazing.

That's part of the reason why it still hurts, more so now, knowing that she'd woken up with Emily snuggled into her body and breathing warmly out against her neck, and instinctively felt so sick, so terrified that she'd recoiled away from Emily as quickly and quietly as possible to make her escape without a second thought of what damage it may cause to the girl she was leaving behind.

_Ashamed_, Naomi remembers clearly, was exactly how she'd felt as Emily caught her running away, and it's still painful to have to add 'again' to that sentence. But in the morning light it had made Naomi resent Emily so much just for making her _feel_- for opening her up, for exposing her and allowing Naomi to share part of herself that she wasn't all that ready to share- that Naomi was selfish and cruel and continued on walking even after Emily begged her to stay; her voice breaking as she pleaded with Naomi to stay.

It seems stupid now, the amount of time she spent fighting against Emily and all that she made her feel, because in truth it had been inevitable, always a losing battle, and Naomi had known that deep down, but that hadn't meant that it made it any easier to digest or to accept.

It feels pointless to waste away more time now, wondering what could have been had she just been willing and ready to want, to need, when her eyes stumble over the torn up earth, the messy piles of mud scattered over ground that had once been as beautiful and untouched as the rest of the place.

Naomi feels her chest restricting tightly, the air in her lungs squeezed forcefully out of her body when she gets close enough to see the owner of the destruction. Looks down to see Emily's fragile and broken form practically curled up inside the deep muddy hole and watches as Emily's red, puffy eyes raise up to meet her own.

She feels the words catch in her throat, doesn't know what she's supposed to say in this moment to take all of the pain away, to fix everything that she's obviously broken, and so she swallows down hard against the lump in her throat and manages, "Rachel came to see me." Emily doesn't respond, just looks away from her and sniffles brokenly and Naomi reels with the notion that she's not getting this right, that she's already undoing them more than necessary; wants so desperately to see Emily smile that she tries to lighten the mood and adds, "What's with the hole? It looks like a bomb has gone off down here."

Emily does look at her then, pierces Naomi with cold eyes and wryly replies, "It was time that we cut the ties to the past, don't you think?"

It stings more than anything she's been made to feel since Emily walked back into her life, so much so that it makes Naomi's breath catch in her throat at just how defeated it sounds falling from Emily's mouth, that no matter how hard they've tried they've still crashed and burned.

Only they haven't, and Naomi can't believe that, won't. Finds her voice thick with emotion when she asks, "You really believe that?"

Emily doesn't say a word, and Naomi can tell just by the way that she purses her lips together, by the way her brown eyes narrow incredulously that Emily's utterly conflicted by it all, probably doesn't know where she's supposed to even start in this disastrous mess they've created for themselves.

Naomi allows her that moment of silence, uses it to move in closer to Emily, sliding down into the side of the hole opposite her, and takes the opportunity to trail her eyes over every inch of Emily's body, only stopping when she catches sight of her hands; covered in a mixture of dirt and blood which make Naomi reach out for her instinctively.

But Emily becomes alert as Naomi shifts and pulls her hands away from Naomi before she gets the chance to touch her; her knees drawing up tighter to her chest as if to protect herself further from Naomi's advances as she growls, "Don't, okay? Don't you dare try and comfort me."

Naomi feels her eyes burning with tears and reaches out for her again desperately, achingly, when she whispers, "Please, Emily."

Her attempt only causes to make something in Emily's eyes flicker angrily, her voice flooding with rage and hurt as she shoves Naomi's hands away with a, "No, Naomi. This doesn't mean we can just be together. You have no idea what you've done; Rachel's a great woman, who loves me, who was there for me when you weren't, and we-- I _hurt_ her. I _betrayed_ her." Naomi can only watch then as Emily's eyes fill with tears that escape easily down her cheeks, her voice coming out as a horse whisper when she continues, "Jesus, how could I do that to her."

It ends with Emily releasing a wracking sob that undoes Naomi completely, leaves her feeling guilty and pained and helpless all at once, that all she can think to do is reach out to try and touch Emily, to comfort her in any way that she can, to take away some of the blame that is crushing Emily so unbearably in front of her very eyes.

"Em, sweetheart, don't cry. Everything will be all right; we'll work it out, okay? I promise," Naomi murmurs frantically, soothing her hands up and down Emily's arms in an attempt just to keep her grounded, to stop her slipping away from her completely.

But it doesn't work, Emily pushes her away again, more urgently this time and snarls, "Get off me." as she pushes herself to her feet and climbs out of the hole and away from Naomi as quickly as she can.

Naomi doesn't even have to think this time, finds that her feet respond automatically and lead her after Emily without wasting a second. She moves swiftly, catches Emily by the arm and forces her to turn and face her as she begs, "Emily wait--"

"No," Emily snaps cutting her off and drawing her arm back. "She may be right, and I may love you, but it doesn't make this," Naomi watches as Emily gestures wildly between them as she adds, "_Us_, right. It never has. You didn't want me when you had me, and now I _can't_."

Naomi can't control the way her eyes well up at what Emily's saying, because nothing about this moment is right, this wasn't supposed to happen this way and she doesn't know how to explain that she _had_ wanted Emily back when she had her but she just hadn't known _how_. And now they've let it get so messed up, more than it ever was that they're breaking each other down all over again.

Naomi's not sure she can survive watching them collapse this time round and so she breathes out a whimpered, "Ems..." and tries to reach for her hand again, tries to beg her with her eyes, to make her see that they can do this if they just try, if Emily lets her.

But Emily doesn't let her, just dodges her grasp and shakes her head in defeat. "No, this changes everything between us again, Naomi."

"Don't say that." Naomi chokes out, crying now. "I know we'll work it out."

Emily bites at her lip and looks away from her, and it leaves Naomi feeling so lost and powerless that she feels her chest tightening up rapidly. Emily's eyes are back on hers after a second, and she looks so drained, and so worn down by it all when she says honestly, "But what if I'm not sure that I can."

Naomi feels her breath lodging in the back of her throat as Emily drags her eyes away from her and begins to walk away. It feels a lot like re-living the past, only Emily's the one who gets to decide this time, she's the one who can chose to walk away and let it all go. Naomi's the one left trapped by all that they are and all that they can be.

It's only when she sees the distance Emily's putting between them that she manages to find her voice again, her words turning frantic and breaking as she calls out after her. "Emily, please don't walk away. I love you and I know you love me. Don't leave me here, be brave and stay with me."

But Emily doesn't stop, doesn't turn back around to face her; just keeps on walking. And it's only when Emily's fully out of her sight that Naomi breaks down and cries, wonders if she caused Emily the same amount of pain back when she left her behind that very first time.

-----

It's getting dark by the time she gets home- and Naomi wonders briefly is she'll always think of this house as home even though she hasn't lived there for years- but then her mum appears in the kitchen doorway and offers her a tentative smile as she looks Naomi over, beckoning her further into the house until Naomi's close enough that her mum can pull her in for a much needed hug.

"You're bloody freezing, love." Gina pulls back and taps her gently on the cheek, "Come on, I'll put the kettle on."

Naomi's thankful then, that she isn't immediately bombarded with questions, likes how her mother's caught on to the times when she really just needs to give Naomi a moment of silence to try and pull all of her thoughts together.

They drink their coffee together silently and only when Naomi's finished does she look up at her mum and say, "I'm in love with Emily."

And her mum laughs then, actually looks at her with a smile and replies, "About time you caught up on that one, darling. I was starting to worry that I'd dropped you too many times as a child and left you with permanent brain damage."

Naomi rolls her eyes and tries to smile but finds that she can't, not with everything that's still preventing her from being happy and lets out an exasperated sigh."I don't know how to fix it mum, I-- she loves me, I know she does but she doesn't trust me," she lets out a snort, because when exactly did she ever give Emily the chance to trust her and when she sees the question on her mum's face a second later, she adds, "Rachel's ended things with her."

Gina nods her head in understanding. "Well, I take it you're here to finally get her back then?"

"Yes..." Naomi swallows down the lump in her throat and averts her eyes. "Except she doesn't want to be with me, says she can't; not now I've fucked up her life again."

"Naomi, don't be a twat." It makes Naomi look back at her mother in surprise, her mouth open as if ready to fire back a retort when Gina pierces her with a pointed look. "You're my daughter, and God knows I love you with all my heart, but you really need to pull your finger out sometimes."

Naomi blinks for a few long second and says, "What are you talking about mum? I'm fucking here aren't I?"

Gina shakes her head disbelievingly. "And after everything you've just told me, you think that's enough?"

It makes Naomi balk, catches her so off guard that all she can do is mutter back, "I... fuck's sake, I'm doing the best I can."

"No you're not." Gina's eyes soften when she sees Naomi's shoulders tense up out of nowhere and reaches out to cover her hand. "If you're serious about this, about really loving Emily this time, you'll get off your bloody arse and make her trust you. You've got to force her to believe, love, otherwise you'll be proving her right and she'll never be willing to give you another chance."

Naomi sighs heavily reaching into her bag for her cigarettes. "And how do I do that exactly? Because clearly I'm not getting this right, am I?"

"I always found that a combination of patience and persistence works well for situations like this." Gina plucks the cigarette from Naomi's fingers before she can light it and shakes her head. "You've got to remember just how long it's been Naomi, you've both changed a hell of a lot and Emily's just had her life turned upside down."

"I wasn't expecting this to happen either, okay?" Naomi snipes defensively.

"I know that, sweetheart." Gina replies calmly. "Just let Emily know that you really mean it this time, make sure she's aware that you're not going anywhere, prove yourself somehow and then be patient while she deals with everything. If it's meant to be it'll be."

Naomi swallows hard and whispers, "And what if it's not meant to be?"

Gina doesn't say anything else for a few long moments, just leans forward and presses a lingering kiss to Naomi's forehead before adding, "You'll never know unless you try, Naomi." and leaving her daughter alone in the kitchen.

Naomi picks up her cigarette and lights it, inhales the smoke deeply and decides that maybe for once in her life she should listen to her mum's advice. Hopes that trying will be enough this time round and if it isn't, well, she'll just have to try even harder.

-----

She doesn't sleep.

Lays awake and thinks about everything she wants to say. Doesn't want to give Emily a chance to catch her off guard with questions she's unprepared for.

Even why she tries to work it out, Naomi still doesn't know what she's meant to expect.

-----

It's almost 9.a.m. by the time she reaches Katie's house and Naomi feels a wave of nervousness fluttering in her stomach when she catches sight of a silhouette moving past one of the windows. Isn't sure which of the twins it is but hopes to God that it's the one she's here to see and not the one that will surely make this harder for her.

She takes a few deep, steadying breaths and reaches out for the doorbell; listening to the faint ringing she hears echoing throughout the house. It doesn't take long before she hears a voice calling "just a minute" accompanied by the gentle pitter-patter of hurried feet that leave Naomi steeling herself for the reveal.

Naomi sees the flash of red that appears on the other side of the door and feels relieved that it's Emily - knows that Katie had changed her hair dark after the whole Effy and the rock incident - but then just as she's readying herself to say everything she's come there to, the door remains shut, and Naomi can just make out Emily's shape through the frosted glass pane, knows that Emily has recognised her too.

She tries to make out Emily's eyes through the glass and says, "Em, please open the door." when she realises Emily isn't going to do so willingly.

Emily's quiet for a long time and Naomi can almost hear the way she's breathing deeply, as if Naomi being anywhere near her has sucked away all of the air and left them both to stifle in the thickness of their surroundings, in the thickness of them.

"How did you find me?"

It's a barely audible question and yet Naomi is so focused, so in-tune to everything that is happening, she hears it easily, wouldn't be foolish enough to not be alert to everything that is going on. "I went to your old house. Spoke to your dad."

"You did _what_?" Emily's voice is clearer now, louder and edgier, a little angry. "You had no right to tell him about anything that's going on; they're my family, Naomi."

And of course Emily expected her to have gone in with guns blazing, running her mouth off like she would have at age sixteen, all headstrong and over-opinionated. But things have changed, she's changed, and maybe that's part of the problem, their miscommunication on the things that are present and no longer the same.

"I didn't say a word, Ems. I promise. I just asked him if you were there and when he said no I asked for Katie's address, but that's all, okay?" Naomi explains desperately and raises her hand up to press against the glass when she adds, "Please open the door. I need to see you."

She hears Emily sigh in response. "I can't. Please just go back to London, Naomi. I said all that I had to say to you yesterday so don't make this harder."

It hurts more than a little, to know that Emily won't even try, won't even hear what she has to say, doesn't appear to want to, and yet Naomi feels a rush of determination, of hope that things will-- _can_ be different if they both just try, that she refuses to back down.

"Sorry, Em, but I can't do that." Naomi bobs down and tries to peer through the letterbox, can only just make out Emily's legs when she adds, "I can't leave, not while you're still here. I meant what I said that night, I love you and I'm not going anywhere this time. So please just open the door so we can talk about this properly."

It goes quiet again, and Naomi can hear a faint knock, imagines that Emily's allowed herself to sink back against the wall to support herself, and there's something about that image that makes Naomi ache, just picturing Emily struggling against it all and still not letting herself take Naomi's hand.

"There's nothing left to say Naomi, you're wasting your time. Just go, all right. I don't want to speak to you," Emily breathes out.

Naomi closes her eyes for a second, tries to gather her thoughts, and opens them again to see Emily's figure disappear down the hallway without another word. She can't help but momentarily feel like she's trying to fight a lost cause, a cause that Emily seemingly wants her to give up on; doesn't want Naomi to fight for her. But just as quickly as that thought comes, she hears her mum's voice echoing in her head and reminding her that she can't just give up, that she's got to make more of an effort this time if she's ever to convince Emily they can work this out together.

It sticks.

And so she pushes the letterbox back open and calls, "I'll stay out here all day if I have to, Emily, but I'm not leaving you; not now, not ever," and feels better for saying it even if Emily doesn't want to hear it. At least one of them is starting to believe in her now, and Naomi can't think of a better person to start with than herself.

Emily's doesn't reply at all and so Naomi lets herself sink down outside the door just like she'd done before all that time ago and hopes that eventually Emily will be just as willing to spend the night holding her hand through a cat-flap as she had been back then; hopes that not everything has changed as drastically as it might have.

-----

It starts raining in the afternoon, cold, windy, torrential rain that makes Naomi unable to stop shivering and yet she doesn't attempt to move, stays leaning against the door in the hopes that Emily will eventually cave in and speak to her.

The house has been horribly quiet for a long time, and Naomi almost craves just to hear the sound of Emily's footsteps so that she can somehow feel closer to her than she currently does. But Emily doesn't give in, doesn't come to her rescue this time and offer out a second chance with arms wide open and it comes as a harsh blow to Naomi when she realises that perhaps Emily won't give in this time at all, that maybe things really have changed more than she expected them to have.

It's only when the sun starts to disappear behind the clouds and her fingers start turning blue from the cold, that Naomi relinquishes this first round, let's Emily have this fight when she concludes that it just isn't going to happen as easily as she'd hoped for. Knows she'll have to come up with something better for tomorrow, the battle nowhere near over.

She's blinded by car lights as she pushes herself to her feet and it's only when the engine and lights switch off that her vision adjusts to see Katie looking at her with a mixture of shock and curiosity.

Katie is out of the car and standing in front of her - dressed smartly is a gray dress and carrying a large folder - in no time, and it's so surprising to see Katie looking anything but a cheap tart that it causes Naomi to miss Katie's first question all together.

Finds herself blinking rapidly and muttering a pathetic, "What?" when Katie glares at her and says her name for a second time with a growl and draws her attention back to the moment.

"Fuck's sake Naomi." Katie says, shoving past her and getting her keys out of her bag. "I said what the hell are you doing standing outside of my door looking like a drowned bloody rat?"

Naomi thinks about telling her to mind her own fucking business, but then she remembers that getting into a petty argument with Katie will do her no favours in getting Emily to talk to her, and so she wipes some of the rain out of her eyes and says instead, "Emily wouldn't open the door." as if that explains everything.

Katie's managed to open the door and step inside by the time Naomi's answered and she looks back over her shoulder as they both hear Emily calling out, "Kay, is that you? Has she gone yet?" before looking at Naomi pityingly and saying, "You should go home Naomi."

Naomi shakes her head, her voice pleading when she replies, "I need to see her, Katie."

There's the ruffling sound of a few more footsteps behind Katie a second later and Naomi catches a glimpse of Emily descending down the stairs, feels her breath catch when their eyes meet for just a second before Emily has disappeared out of sight again.

She doesn't get a chance to say anything else as Katie starts shaking her head and pushing the door closed when she sees Naomi taking a step closer, as if Naomi's ready to just barge her way in. "I mean it Naomi, go home. You've obviously caused enough damage for today."

Naomi can't react then, when she's overrun with memories of Katie saying exactly the same thing to her all those years ago whenever she'd proved to be a dick and sent Emily running away from her in tears.

She just watches Katie close the door on her face and has to bite down hard on her lip to keep herself from crying, hopes the deafening sound of the door closing isn't a symbol that Emily is shutting her out of her life for good.

-----

It feels a lot like the start of a routine when she can't shut her mind off and go to sleep, feels like she's trapped by all of her past mistakes, as if they're falling in on her and forcing her to choke and suffocate on her own regrets.

-----

Naomi's jarred from her dozing early the next morning by her mobile, the murmuring sound of her phone vibrating loudly on the wooden bedside table leaving her scrambling out blindly to answer the call.

She answers with a gruff, "Hello," her voice dry and hoarse from lack of sleep and moisture.

It's silent on the other end for a long moment and Naomi repeats herself twice more before she hears a hesitant, "I'll meet with you, okay?"

She sits up quickly then, making herself dizzy and rubs at her eyes before pulling the phone away from her ear and reading "Emily" on the screen; has to fight to keep the disbelief out of her voice when she replies, "Where?"

"The Starbucks in Bristol Arcade at 1.30.p.m. Don't be late, yeah?"

"I'll be there." Naomi answers back quickly and listens as the line goes dead a second later.

-----

The first thing that Naomi thinks when she gets to the coffee shop - and starts scouting through the groups of people for Emily's unmistakable red hair - is that there's _no fucking way_ she's stupid enough to have fallen for this twice.

Only she must be, because there's no sign of Emily anywhere, only Katie, sitting off in a corner on her own and staring at Naomi the second she walks through the door. It makes Naomi think about turning straight around and leaving, doesn't see the point in suffering another one of Katie "she's mine, bitch" warnings, but then Katie raises her hand and waves her over with a soft smile that immediately sets Naomi on edge.

"Was that you on the phone?" She asks when she gets close enough.

Katie smirks back at her in the way that only Katie Fitch can do and it almost makes Naomi's stomach knot when she cockily replies, "She shouldn't leave it lying around." Naomi opens her mouth to reply but comes up empty, doesn't understand how Katie can turn this into some kind of sick game again. But then Katie rolls her eyes and lets out an amused sigh, "Jesus Christ, Campbell, your face. I'm fucking messing with you, yeah?"

"Clearly," Naomi replies snidely, still unimpressed.

"Would you, like, stop being a twat and sit down? I'm trying to help here, you dozy cow."

Naomi reluctantly takes the seat opposite Katie and glares over at her. "How exactly is you faking to be Emily, _again_, helping me?"

"Look, Naomi, don't be a cunt already, yeah?" Katie says not entirely unkindly. "If you'd just shut up and listen to what I have to say--" Naomi rolls her eyes and Katie purses her lips together before continuing, "Believe it or not, I'm not out to get you. I'm not that person anymore. Surely you can understand that people change, right?"

Naomi averts her eyes, suddenly feeling embarrassed by her childish reactions, mumbles, "Yeah I can... sorry."

"Forgiven," Katie replies easily and it makes Naomi feel even more like a twat that Katie hasn't laced the word with hatred or sarcasm, just sincerity. Katie must sense her surprise because she rolls her eyes again and says, "Are you going to order a coffee and relax now that you know I'm not going to bite your head off, or are you just going to sit there looking like a gormless tit?"

It's the first thing to make Naomi smile in hours and she doesn't know whether to offer Katie a genuine 'thank you' or to leave their new and still strange, balance alone. In the end she chooses to say nothing and follows Katie's order to get herself a drink.

-----

"So..." Katie says after they've both taken several sips of their coffees.

Naomi stiffens involuntarily and looks up at Katie sheepishly, "Is this the part where you tell me to leave Emily alone again? That she's yours?"

Katie smiles unexpectedly and lets out a chuckle. "I can't believe I ever fucking said that in the first place, I mean, how gross does that sound?" Naomi smiles too and can't help feel slightly more relaxed now that she's pretty certain Katie's not going to slap her or anything. "She hasn't actually said all that much about what's going on between you two this time."

"Oh," Naomi murmurs, feels almost disappointed that Emily hasn't cared enough to tell Katie when she knows that Emily almost always tells Katie, even when she claims to hate her sometimes.

"It's not that she doesn't feel whatever it is that's going on or, like, want to talk about it, though." Katie assures her. "It's just-- Emily's not as, like, heart and emotions on her sleeve anymore, y'know?" Naomi nods her head but doesn't attempt to say anything in response. "I knew something was going on though, because the moment she mentioned that you worked at the school she was starting at, she got all, quiet and pensive and shit and the only person that's ever made her that withdrawn is you."

"Thanks," Naomi scoffs, hating that it's partly true. "And what about you, Katiekins, I'm guessing you didn't have the same effect on her as I did?" She knows it was a stupid thing to say when Katie's eyes flash with a mixture of hurt and regret. "Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't--" Naomi pinches at the bridge of her nose as if it will force her brain to slow down and process her thoughts before she speaks.

Katie shakes her head with a small shrug. "Don't worry about it, yeah? I mean, you're right, me and you combined made the majority of Emily's teenaged years shitty, didn't we?"

Naomi swallows down hard against the lump that has formed in her throat. "Yeah... we did."

"Things change though, yeah? I mean, we grew up, right? Stopped being self-absorbed morons?"

"Definitely." Naomi pauses and lets out a shaky breath. "Why did you call to meet with me if you're not here to tell me to leave Emily the hell alone?"

Katie purses her lips together for a second and says, "To ask you to go back to London."

"I knew it," Naomi explodes, feeling the anger bubble up inside her as she pierces Katie with a venomous glare. "I fucking knew from the moment I saw you sitting in here that you'd try and get rid of me again. So much for bloody change, you bitch."

Naomi pushes her chair back with a screech and is shocked to see Katie pushing to her own feet, her eyes wide in irritation as she growls, "Sit the fuck down, Naomi." When she doesn't make a move to sit back down Katie quirks an eyebrow and says forcefully, "Now."

There's something about the way Katie's eyes are almost pleading her to sit that make Naomi stay, lowering herself back down into her seat cautiously.

"I meant it when I said that I wasn't out to get you, all right?" Katie says once she's settled back down too, all the warning in her voice disappeared. "Despite what you think about me, or like to fucking think you know about me, I am actually trying to help you here."

"By telling me to go back to London?" Naomi asks disbelieving. "I'm sorry that I'm having a hard time believing that you actually want to help me, Katie, but you've hated me for as long as I can remember. So I'm sorry if I'm not all that trusting of this new version of you."

"I didn't hate you, Naomi." Katie replies with a shake of her head.

"Yes you did, you loathed me Katie." Naomi knows it's true, thinks it's ridiculous that Katie could ever claim to not have wanted her out of their lives for good. "You couldn't stand that Emily loved me, or that we were together. You pretty much made things impossible for us sometimes."

"I was threatened by you, all right?" Katie retorts defensively, her cheeks flushing a mild pink as she momentarily averts Naomi's gaze.

Naomi stares at her for a few seconds, because when had Katie Fitch ever been threatened by anyone other than Effy and her wild rock handling ways? She feels her face contort with confusion when she asks a baffled, "What?"

"I didn't hate you Naomi. I don't hate you." Katie says softly, almost as if she's embarrassed to be admitting it. "But you've got to understand that I hated what you _meant_ to Emily and what that meant for _me_."

Naomi blinks a few times, as if hoping that will somehow help this all add up. "I don't understand; it doesn't make sense, Katie."

Katie lets out a heavy sigh and looks directly at her. "Do you have any idea what it's like to go through every stage of your life with someone, practically attached at the hip, sharing moments that other people don't. It's unique, that bond I have with Ems. As far as I was aware I was the only person who understood her, who got her, and she was that person for me too." She pauses for a brief second as she looks Naomi over. "But then you came along out of nowhere and Emily, fuck knows why, was drawn to you."

Naomi smirks in response. "Must have been my good looks and dazzling charm, don't you think?"

Katie rolls her eyes. "You're missing the point, you cow."

"And what point's that?" Naomi asks seriously.

"That you were _replacing_ me." Katie breathes out looking rather horrified and ashamed to be actually saying so.

Naomi can't stop herself from breaking out into a laugh. "Katie that's absurd. I could never replace you. Emily loves you more than I'll ever understand and even when we were together you were still the one person she always defended, always cared and worried about. Her loving me didn't change that." She sees the unease that flashes through Katie's eyes and offers her a small smile. "Jesus, some of our biggest fights were about you and even when they weren't you were somehow always this lingering, unresolved issue between us."

"I know that now, yeah?" Katie replies, still looking a little uncomfortable but relaxing slightly. "But at the time if felt like you were taking her away from me and that you didn't even care all that much, that you didn't really want her. And it made me angry, I didn't get how Emily could still want you even when you treated her like shit, even when you ran away and pushed her away she always came back for more."

"I don't get it either. She was obviously a glutton for punishment." Naomi says sadly.

Katie shakes her head with a small smile. "No, she was just blindly in love with you, Naomi."

Naomi feels her eyes stinging at Katie's words and has to look away from her. "Yeah, well apparently she's not anymore. She doesn't want me anywhere near her. And why would she, I've cocked her life up twice now, haven't I?"

"Trust me, she still loves you Naomi, but as much as Emily's changed, part of her is still the same and it's all a little shocking and overwhelming for her to love you for the first time with her eyes open, to see you and not the version of you she dreamt up in her fantasies."

Naomi's quiet for a long moment, can't think of anything to say except, "I really fucking love her, Katie."

"I know." Katie replies sincerely as she reaches out and covers Naomi's hand with her own. "That's why I'm asking you to go back to London. You need to give her some time on her own to figure this all out for herself and when she's ready to, she'll seek you out, yeah?"

Naomi has to wipe at her eyes and forces out a chuckle, "Fuck's sake, Katie, when did you get so bloody wise, huh?"

"Around the same time that you realised what a mistake you'd made letting Ems go, I should think."

Naomi laughs. "Did you have to have these sorts of chats with Rachel, make sure she knew that she'd never love Emily as much as you?"

Katie rolls her eyes but then smiles genuinely, "No need. She never scared me the way you did." Naomi can't help but smile softly back at her. "Plus, I could have taken her if she'd caused any trouble."

Naomi smirks in response. "Katie Fitch, still one badass motherfucker."

"And don't you forget it." Katie says proudly.

"How could I? I can still feel the sting in my cheek from when you slapped me at the love-ball." Naomi teases, reaching up and playfully rubbing at her face.

"Yeah, well, hopefully I won't have to whack some sense into you again anytime soon since it seems like you've finally got your head fixed on properly."

Naomi rolls her eyes and then grows serious. "So I just go back to London and wait?"

Katie nods. "Yeah, trust me. I know how Ems thinks about these sorts of things and she just needs time. Can you give her that?"

"Yes." Naomi replies as she stands. "But will you make sure to tell her that I love her and I'll wait as long as it takes."

"No need, she already knows you soppy twat."

It's still a little surprising, then, when Katie tentatively pulls her into a hug, squeezing her just the once as if that settles the last of their feud. "I'll call you and let you know how she's doing, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." She offers Katie one final smile before she turns on her heel to leave, stopping only when she realises there's something she's forgotten. "Katie?"

"Yeah?" Katie asks, looking up at her with wide eyes.

Naomi swallows down the lump in her throat and smiles at Katie when she says honestly, "Thanks."

Katie looks mildly shocked by her admission, but then she catches herself before she can really falter and smiles back warmly. "You're welcome."

As Naomi makes to leave again, she can't help but feel like it's the start of something new, that the first significant piece has finally fallen into place.

-----

She doesn't see her mum again before she heads back to London the next morning, just leaves her a note that says, 'thanks for always being there - love Naomi x' and knows that her mum is smart enough to read between the lines and take all that she still struggles to say but means to.

-----

The smell of coffee and bacon rush Naomi's senses the second she sets foot in the door, and it's almost strange when she realises that it doesn't feel wrong or intrusive for JJ to be sat in the kitchen eating breakfast with Effy and Bricker.

It feels nice, getting home to find her makeshift family looking more like a real family unit than she's ever seen them do before. Can't help herself from smiling when she sees Bricker perched on JJ's leg and watching in amazement at whatever magic trick JJ is wowing him with this time, while Effy stands over at the cooker and uses her spatula to prod at the food she's frying.

"Hope there's some left for me." Naomi says as she enters the room properly, giving herself away and smiling brightly when they all look up to greet her.

Bricker's the first one to say hello to her properly, jumping down from his place in JJ's lap and running over to her for a hug. She bobs down and pulls him in close, playfully placing kisses on his face and tickling him until he pulls away giggling.

JJ extends a goofy wave and a smile at her and says, "Glad you're back in one piece, not that you wouldn't be but--" He shakes his head to stop himself from continuing on his tangent. "These two have missed you, is what I was aiming to explain."

Effy rolls her eyes but shoots him a fond smile before moving over to wrap Naomi in a hug, clinging to her with a tight squeeze.

"Jesus, Eff, you're squeezing all the air out of me here." Naomi laughs, wrapping her arms around Effy in return.

"Shut up," Effy says hugging her tighter for a second just for added effect before pulling back and studying her face seriously, as if she's searching for signs of covered up damage. "Are you all right?"

It never fails to warm her heart when she sees the genuine worry in Effy's eyes, as if all of the effort she spent trying to pretend that she didn't give a fuck about anything or anyone has completely dwindled away over the years.

Naomi runs her hand up Effy's arm to ease her tension. "I'm okay, I promise. No physical damage."

"Good." Effy replies with a soft smile before glancing back over her shoulder at the frying pan. "You want a bacon sandwich and one of my famous strong cups of coffee?"

"Sounds good. Thanks." Naomi says as she joins JJ and Bricker at the table and tries not to let think about what Emily's doing back in Bristol, reminds herself to stay calm and wait for Emily to come to her.

-----

She goes up to her room to catch up on lost sleep when they're finished with breakfast, excuses herself by stifling a yawn that wordlessly explains where she's headed.

When Naomi collapses onto her bed she instantly reaches out for the pillow next to her, the pillow Emily had slept on, and pulls it into her arms, hugging it close to her body and burying her nose firmly into the material to breath in the lingering scent of Emily's perfume.

It's become almost like a habit, to cuddle up to a pillow while she's asleep, but Naomi finds that the only time she properly sleeps is when she pretends its Emily wrapped up in her arms and sleeping peacefully beside her.

Morning always comes as a disappointment, one that stopped being surprising after the first three times, because she knows it's not really Emily that she falls asleep next to every night and yet Naomi still holds on to that little bit of hope that a miracle would have happened while she slept, and so she always blinks her eyes open slowly, wishing that her vision will be flooded with red.

It never is.

-----

Naomi wakes to find Effy perched gently on the end of her bed, watching over her with a fond smile that makes Naomi sleepily flip her off as her eyes adjust, mumbles, "Since when did you turn into a creepy sleep watcher?"

She feels more than sees Effy smirk in response, and shuffles over rubbing at her eyes to get a better look at her. Effy merely grins wickedly and extends her cup of coffee, says, "Since you started randomly disappearing for days and only leaving an awfully vague note behind in your wake."

Naomi pushes herself up against the headboard and accepts the coffee from Effy's grasp, taking a few large sips to quell the dryness in her mouth. "Yeah, sorry about that, it was a bit shitty of me."

"Just a tad." Effy replies dryly.

"You were worried." Naomi states in amusement, watching as Effy shifts uncomfortably, and then laughs when Effy shoots her a glare. "You're so sweet and sensitive Effykins."

"Fuck off." Effy replies, trying not to smile at Naomi's teasing comment. She purses her lips together seriously a second later and looks over Naomi pensively, a look that Naomi knows that means Effy is quietly analysing her, and never fails to make her feel self-conscious. After a few long seconds Effy breathes, "No physical damage, then."

And just like that Effy's changed the direction of their conversation with one subtle comment. Naomi swallows another sip of the coffee and asks, "Where's JJ and Bricker?"

"JJ offered to take Bricker out for the afternoon." Effy replies willingly. "He wanted to give us some time alone... in case you wanted to talk."

"Talk," Naomi echoes and then releases a shaky breath. "About the damage I sustained that isn't physical?"

Effy smiles gently. "Only if you want to."

Naomi lets out a deep breath and reaches over to set the cup on her bedside table. "Well, after Rachel came here to let me know that she'd broken up with Emily so that I could have her back, I hurried on down to Bristol in a very knight in shining armour manner that I thought would impress Em, only to get there for her to tell me that us getting back together isn't going to happen anytime soon."

"Oh," Effy replies sadly. "Do you want to get drunk and fucked up? I'm sure I still have some weed lying around in the back of one of my draws."

"Thanks but that won't be necessary." Effy raises her eyebrows questioningly as Naomi runs a hand through her hair and then reaches over to swipe her cigarettes off of her bedside table, sticking one in her mouth and lighting it before throwing the pack and her lighter over to Effy. "I got some advice from an unexpected source."

"Who?" Effy asks, creasing her face up. "Please tell me Panda isn't still walking the streets of Bristol, because I can guarantee if she's your advice guru, then you've been duped."

Naomi shakes her head and exhales a trail of smoke. "As helpful as I'm sure she would have been, no, not Panda."

"Then who?"

"It was Katie, actually."

She watches as Effy's hand stills mid motion to her mouth, her eyes widening in surprise. "Katie as in Katie Fitch? The girl who hates me and you, equally."

Naomi lets out an amused chuckle. "In all fairness I think she probably hates you more. I never dented her head with a rock and left her for dead, after all."

"No, just shagged her sister and left her heartbroken," Effy replies with a daring smirk and laughter glimmering in her eyes that takes the sting right out of her words.

"Ouch." Naomi lifts her hand to her chest mockingly. "Hit me where it hurts, why don't you."

"What was this so called advice from our lord and saviour Katie "leopardprint" Fitch?" Effy asks dryly.

Naomi can't help but smile and roll her eyes. "She's not that bad anymore, Eff. Believe it or not she appears to have grown up too." Effy nods in response and looks on at Naomi expectedly. "She just told me to come back to London and wait."

"Just wait?" Effy asks after a few seconds.

"Yeah." Naomi nods her head in confirmation. "She said Emily will come to me when she's ready to discuss things, but until then I should basically back off and give her some space."

"I see," Effy replies, licking the tip of her thumb and pinching the end of her cigarette, successfully putting it out.

Naomi watches her for a few seconds as Effy stands from the bed and heads over to her window, opening it and flicking out the dead cigarette butt, and when Effy doesn't willingly elaborate on her comment, Naomi pierces her with a look and says, "You think its shit advice?"

Effy turns back to her with an unreadable expression on her face and eventually says, "No. I think it's good advice."

"Really?" Naomi asks disbelievingly, still remotely feeling like she should be doing more to convince Emily that they should be together.

"I think Katie knows her sister better than we do in some respects."

"Yeah, I know, it's just..." Naomi sighs in agreement before trailing off. "I feel so helpless, and powerless just doing nothing." She sees as Effy's lips quirk up into a smile then and can't help herself asking, "What?"

"It's just interesting now that the roles are reversed." Effy says somewhat cryptically, and only continuing when she sees confusion registering on Naomi's face. "Now that you have to wait for Emily, after all that time she had to spend waiting for you to figure it out. It's just a little ironic, don't you think?"

"Yeah," Naomi replies quietly as Effy's words begin to sink in.

Just hopes that Emily won't make her wait as long as she made Emily wait for her, but knows deep down that in the end it doesn't actually matter, not when she'll happily resign herself to being patient forever if it means that there's any chance Emily will one day be hers again.

-----

It takes Naomi a little while for that anxious itching sensation that creeps into her skin and invades her in every possible way- at every possible chance, to be pushed to the back of her mind. She knows it isn't healthy, to not be able to switch it off- thinking about Emily, worrying about whether Katie is right about being patient, or whether she's just waiting out a storm that will never end, but she can't help herself, not for the first few days when every minute that passes feels like an eternity.

She catches herself staring at her phone, willing it with her eyes to just ring, to be able to answer the call to hear Emily's voice on the other side of the line telling her that she's had time to think about it all and everything's fine now, that she's coming back to London, back to Naomi, and that they'll work the rest out together- but it doesn't happen. There's not even a text message or a voice mail, no word at all, from Emily or Katie, and it only serves to make Naomi feel worse, makes her think that perhaps she should have stayed in Bristol and forced Emily to talk to her, even when she knows deep down that it only would have made things worse for them all.

It gets unbearable towards the end of the that first week- being back at work and expecting to catch sight of Emily walking down the corridor through the sea of students or to walk into the staff room to be greeted by Emily sitting there waiting for her to share their lunch break, only to know in reality that she won't be anywhere around.

She feels like she almost drowning by the time Katie actually calls her - sometime during the second week - as if the longer she's away from Emily the further she gets dragged under the crashing waves and the harder she has to fight just to keep breathing on a daily basis.

"She's getting there," Katie says when Naomi answers her phone hurriedly. "Slowly."

And it makes Naomi feel like groaning, whinging in frustration because as much as she wants to give Emily the time and space she needs, the more she misses her; craves so badly just to see her as if Emily is an addiction that she can't stop wanting even when she knows she should.

"How slowly?" Naomi asks, trying not to sound too hopeful but failing completely.

Katie sighs. "I can't answer that, Naomi, you know that. You promised to be patient, so just be patient, all right."

"I'm trying, okay? It's just hard. I miss her," Naomi breathes, feeling pathetic and weak but not caring at all.

"Just a little bit longer, okay?" Katie says encouragingly, her voice gentle and sweet. "I've got to go, but I'll call you soon, yeah?"

Naomi nods, forgets that Katie can't see her and after a brief pause murmurs back, "Yeah, okay." and listens as the line goes dead- hopes that soon really does come sooner rather than later.

-----

Katie starts calling daily by the fourth week, doesn't update Naomi much on Emily's progress other than saying, "She's getting there." much like she had done the very first time.

Only Naomi's learnt to stop asking what that means, because whenever she asks Katie goes silent before replying, "She just needs time." which does nothing but leave Naomi feeling like she's grasping out for answers that she's too short to reach; endlessly hoping but never getting her wish.

Instead she asks silly questions like, "Is she eating normally?" or "Is she talking much?" or "Has she smiled yet?" and it doesn't matter how many times she asks them, or how irritated Katie gets repeating the answers, it always makes Naomi feel that little bit more optimistic when Katie replies with something like, "She actually laughed today and looked like she wasn't about to crumble under the strain of everything, so keep waiting, yeah? I think she's healing."

Naomi knows it's not much, but it feels like enough for now.

------

The call in the sixth week is the one that cracks her, reduces her to sniffling on the phone because it finally feels like progress, maybe not necessarily for them, but for Emily, and it's only amplified by the way in which Katie delivers the news in such an overly happy way that she lisps heavily for the first time in ages.

"What's the news then?" Naomi asks cautiously when she picks up only to be greeted with Katie letting out a breath that sounds light rather than achingly heavy.

"She mentioned Rachel today," is all Katie replies with, and it forces a lump to lodge hard in Naomi's throat.

"Oh..."

But Katie must pick up in the discontentment in her voice because a second later she replies, "No, no, not like that. She doesn't like, want to get back with her or anything, you silly twat."

Naomi releases a shaky breath at the answer, feeling relived and anxious all at the same time. "What did she say then?"

"That she feels guilty, Naomi."

"And?" Naomi asks sounding desperate.

She can almost hear Katie smiling through the phone when she says, "And she's trying to figure out a way to forgive herself."

It makes her eyes sting then, knowing that Emily's anger is beginning to pass, that she appears to be looking for a way to move forward and not back, is no longer standing still and punishing herself for damage she didn't ever mean to cause; the damage that Naomi knows was forgiven long ago.

Naomi doesn't manage to choke out more than, "Thank you." in response, and it doesn't matter a second later when Katie replies, "You're welcome." that she didn't mean it directly for her, is just thankful that it finally feels a little like the world is giving them all a second chance and letting them gradually move on.

-----

Katie doesn't call in the seventh week.

It fills Naomi with worry that there's been a setback and when she can't get hold of Katie no matter how many times she tries, she ends up crying herself to sleep and wonders if hoping alone is enough to keep her surviving through this never ending wait.

Doesn't think it is.

-----

She feels like shit on Monday morning, turns off her alarm and buries herself back under the covers with a groan, doesn't think she can face another day pretending that she's okay when all she wants to do is fall apart and hope that Emily will magically show up to hold her together.

Her plan is foiled moments later when she feels her mattress dip ever so slightly, the weight of a small body climbing over her own until the covers are drawn away from her face by small hands and Bricker's cheeky grin.

"Morning, Nae!" He bellows happily, bouncing up and down and causing his body to crash land over her stomach and steal the air from her lungs.

"Brickster," Naomi wheezes back, managing to free her arms and remove him from on top of her, and pulls him in for a cuddle instead.

Bricker wiggles in her grip though and pats his palm against her cheek. "You can't go back to sleeps, Nae, it's naughty." She blinks her eyes open and tries not to frown at him for being annoyingly right. "I want toast," he adds, shuffling until he's on his knees and tugging at her arm.

"Where's your mum? Can't she get you it?" Naomi asks irritably as she rubs tiredly at her eyes.

He stares back at her in response, his eyes blinking rapidly and his expression practically neutral as if he's suddenly lost track of what they're talking about, and it's only when Naomi notices his bottom lip quivering that she realises she's taking her frustration out on a four year old.

She reaches for him before he can scamper away and presses a kiss to the tip of his nose. "Sorry Brickster, I was being grumpy. We'll go get your toast, okay?" He nods mutely in response and runs off out of her room before she has a chance to trail behind him.

By the time she gets downstairs, she's just in time to see Effy kissing JJ goodbye at the door, scantily clad in a button up shirt that Naomi instantly clocks as something of JJ's. Effy looks almost surprised to see her when she closes the door and turns around, a faint blush spreading across her face.

"Sleep over?" Naomi teases, cocking her eyebrow.

Effy fakes a cough and tucks a piece of loose hair behind her ear. "He was just-- well..." She looks up when Naomi laughs and flips her off. "Fine, he stayed over."

"No wonder I slept like shit, I was wondering what that squeaking was." Naomi waggles her eyebrows and accepts the shove Effy issues her as they make their way into the kitchen. "Seriously though, good night?" If anything the question only serves to make Effy blush harder and Naomi laughs. "I'll take that as a yes."

Effy ruffles her hand through Bricker's hair as she passes by him to flick the kettle on, turning back when he tugs at her arm. "What's the matter, sweetheart?"

Naomi watches as his eyes drift over to her before flicking away quickly and instantly feels a stab of guilt settle painfully in her chest."I was a C-O-W to him this morning," Naomi mumbles sadly and offers Effy an apologetic look even as she reaches her arms out for Bricker. "Nae's sorry she was mean this morning. I promise I'll put extra jam on your toast, okay?" Bricker looks over at her unsurely and it leaves Naomi feeling desperate to make it up to him. "Can I have a hug, Brickster?"

He looks momentarily reluctant before letting go of Effy's hand and willingly moving into Naomi's arms for a hug. She squeezes him tightly and presses a kiss to his little shoulder, and whispers 'sorry' again.

"Toast with extra jam, Nae." Bricker grins at her when he pulls away and Naomi feels herself rush with overwhelming relief.

"Coming right up, buddy." She smiles brightly at him before setting about making his toast, trying to ignore the look Effy's shooting at her but failing miserably. "I'm sorry I upset him, okay? I didn't mean to."

"Nae, I know that but," Effy shakes her head as Naomi passes Bricker over his plate of toast and then looks back at Naomi wearily. "Are you all right?"

Naomi runs a hand messily through her hair and lets out a heavy sigh. "Yeah, I'm fine... I just, I miss her so much Eff, I feel like I'm suffocating here without her and I know I'm powerless to do anything." She shrugs tiredly. "It's just getting to me, I guess."

Effy smiles softly and squeezes her arm. "She'll be back soon, okay? I promise."

Naomi takes a bite of her own toast and mumbles back a helpless, "I hope so."

-----

By the time the bell rings to signal the end of the day, Naomi's about ready to scream. It's not that she doesn't enjoy her job, but somehow it's become something that feels like a task more than a pleasure to be doing, and Naomi hates the way that it fills her days and yet doesn't seem to fast forward any time at all; her mind always occupied with Emily, stuck on an endless loop that she can't get to stop playing no matter how hard she tries.

She waits until the last of her students have filed out of the room before collapsing down at her desk and rubbing her hands over her face. It seems pointless to go home when all she seems capable of doing lately is emitting her bad mood to those around her; doesn't have the desire to put that unhappy look on Bricker's face for a second time in one day. She settles for getting on with some of her marking instead, feeling as though she might as well try and be productive in her misery instead of wallowing in self-pity.

Naomi loses track of time as she works and barely registers the faint knocking sound coming from the door a little while later, throws her hand up in the air and waves it dismissively without looking. "I'm busy, any chance you can come back?"

It goes eerily quiet then, whichever one of her co-works choosing aggravatingly not to answer, and Naomi momentarily grates her teeth together before turning towards the door with a forced smile that quickly slips from her face when her vision floods with red.

Emily looks back at her from her place in the doorway and purses her lips together with a small shrug before extending a quiet greeting. "Hey."

And just like that Naomi finds that she can't breathe, doesn't believe that Emily can really be standing there in front of her and so she blinks her eyes several times until she's sure that she hasn't gone crazy and conjured up a hallucination out of desperation.

But it doesn't change anything, Emily's still standing there, looking nervous and a little awkward and all Naomi can do is stare back at her silently, her voice failing her completely as her mouth opens and closes wordlessly.

"Effy said you'd be working late," Emily murmurs after a few long moments, filling in the heavy silence that's settled around them. Naomi watches as she shuffles uncomfortably on her feet before continuing, "I should go. You're busy. I'm interrupting."

It's only when Emily actually turns to leave that Naomi feels her body moving closer to her on instinct, her voice a little hoarse when she says, "No. Stay." Emily turns back to face her slowly and Naomi finds her voice lodging in her throat, her words coming out thick and heavy when she eventually manages to breathe, "You're here."

It comes out a little disbelievingly and Emily's eyes flash in surprise before she nods her head in response, her own voice coming out a little choked. "Yeah, I am."

And they're close enough now that they could touch, and Naomi has to swallow hard, has to ball her hands into fists just to stop herself from reaching out over the remaining distance and pulling Emily into her arms. Knows that she's not allowed to touch, doesn't have any rights too yet, and it's that thought alone that jars her back to the moment.

Naomi wants to ask, wants to know if Emily's decided anything but she knows she can't, doesn't want to pressurise Emily into anything so soon, and so she settles for asking, "How are you?"

Emily looks relieved by her question, the tension in her shoulders dwindling and the corners of her lips tugging up into a barely visible smile. "I'm okay... you?"

"I'm fine." Naomi nods her head in response, doesn't know how to say that she's not, that she's aching just to touch her, to tell Emily that she's sorry and that she loves her, without making Emily feel like she's suffering an emotional ambush.

"Good," Emily replies with a tight smile, and averts her eyes briefly, as if looking at Naomi directly will ruin her control in a second. When she finally does meet Naomi's eyes again, Naomi can tell that she's nervous just by the way she bites at her bottom lip before asking, "Can we go somewhere and talk?"

Naomi barely manages to ignore the way her heart is pounding rapidly in her chest and smiles softly back at her. "Yeah, sure. Where are you thinking of?"

"Someplace with coffee," Emily responds with a small smile of her own, looking slightly more relaxed with each passing second. "I'm sure you must be tired and in dying need of something to keep you going, right?"

"Yeah," Naomi murmurs back, her eyes trailing over Emily's face and drinking her in.

_You have no idea._

-----

It feels surprisingly awkward, or maybe not so surprisingly given the circumstances, but it does nothing but leave Naomi feeling like she's floundering dangerously on shaky ground; wavering closer and closer to tumbling down hard without any hopes of ever getting up.

She isn't sure what she's supposed to say, not after that last time they'd spoken where Emily told her to leave her alone, and it's not that Naomi doesn't know, doesn't understand that it was probably said out of haste and confusion, it's that she doesn't know where to start from now, isn't sure what's acceptable to ask and what's not or whether it's just too soon for all of those questions that really need answers.

And so she sits silently, lets Emily order their coffees and sips at hers slowly, savouring the way the hot liquid quells the ever lingering dryness in her mouth; her throat still feeling uncomfortably lodged with everything she wants to say and can't.

Emily looks equally tense, her shoulders hunched and her brow knitted as she actively avoids looking in Naomi's direction, focusing all of her attention intently on her coffee cup instead.

It isn't until Naomi feels like she's suffocating, like all of the air is being sucked away from her lungs while the room closes in on them, that she finally cracks, whispers out a shaky, "So..."

Emily's gaze shifts to her at once, and Naomi quickly becomes aware of the unease on Emily's face as their eyes meet. Emily echoes the word and looks away from her again as she releases a shuddering breath.

It feels like forever before Emily finally blurts, "Things have to be different." and Naomi finds her head whipping in Emily's direction, desperate to see her eyes and any meaning that might lie within them. Only Emily keeps her head ducked for the most part, and Naomi can only put it down to Emily trying to shield herself from her, as if Naomi's the ticking bomb they're all waiting to go off; the explosion that will finally destroy them completely.

She swallows hard and nods her head understandably, says, "Of course."

Emily looks up at her then, daringly, her eyes clouded with emotion Naomi can't decipher quick enough. "Things have to change. _We_ have to change. It can't keep-- everything's different now, Naomi." She lets out a shaky breath before adding, "We're different now." Naomi stays silent as Emily stares back at her for a long moment. "We can't just be together."

"I know," Naomi murmurs, offering Emily a soft smile.

And she does know. Had known from the moment that Emily walked away from her at the lake that things couldn't be that simple for them, and why should it be; love isn't easy, it never had been for them but Naomi knows now that it doesn't mean they should just give up. She can't.

Naomi sees the worry settling over Emily with every passing second that she remains silent and reminds herself that this is the moment she's been waiting for, the moment where she can take the lead, guide Emily through their battlefield and safely to the other side; prove herself trustworthy and dependable.

"Why don't we start with something simple," Naomi suggests, smiling gently as Emily looks up at her in anticipation.

"Like what?" Emily asks unsurely.

Naomi does the only thing she can think of then and lifts her cup to her mouth to swallow a mouthful of her drink before grinning at Emily encouragingly. "We could have coffee."

Emily quirks her eyebrow, regarding Naomi by letting out an amused sigh. "Have coffee?"

"Exactly." Naomi nods her head definitively. "We can just... sit together, and drink coffee just for the sake of being together for a little while." She sees the sceptical look that appears on Emily's face a second later and adds, "Just as friends. We don't even have to talk to each other, we can just--"

"Be?" Emily cuts in with a small smile.

Naomi smiles. "Yeah. We can just stay like this for a bit, okay?"

Emily nods. "I'd like that."

"Me too," Naomi replies honestly and then glances at her watch before looking back at Emily. "Another cup?"

"Yeah, that'd be nice." Emily slides her cup towards Naomi, stilling her hand when their fingers brush and looking up at Naomi with a mild blush covering her cheeks. "Thanks."

Naomi takes a second to enjoy the touch and then grasps the cup, smiles at Emily and says, "You're welcome."

When Emily smiles back at her, beautifully, fully, for the first time that night, Naomi feels a twinge of hope settle heavily in her chest and feels the way her heart aches less with each second she spends in Emily's company.

-----

They don't say much but Naomi doesn't mind, not when each night they stay out together a little later than the night before, and she can't help but wonder if the silence is slowly healing them both.

-----

"So, you just... have coffee?" Effy asks when Naomi gets home on the seventh night.

Naomi hangs her coat up and slips out of her shoes. "Yeah."

Effy stares at her pensively. "And you don't say anything to each other?"

Naomi tries her hardest not to roll her eyes when she smiles back, knows her lack of information is beginning to bother Effy greatly but doesn't want to risk jinxing the newfound balance she and Emily seem to have found. "Pretty much, yeah."

Effy lets out a sigh and follows Naomi into the kitchen. "How is not talking about it helping either of you, Nae?"

Naomi lights up a cigarette and inhales several deep breathes of it before saying, "You tell me, you were the one who was silent for a year." She watches as Effy opens her mouth to respond and then closes it when her mind seems to cut her off with a thought or perhaps a memory.

It's a couple of hours later when they're heading up to bed that Effy finally speaks again. "Silence does help, it's peaceful and calming... but it can also be stifling after awhile, Nae."

She kisses Naomi on the cheek then and disappears into her room and it's only once Naomi's lying awake in bed twenty minutes later that she thinks about whether she and Emily are starting to get lost amongst the bubble of silent safety they're created together; thinks that maybe they might be.

-----

She sends Emily a text the following morning and feels physically sick until her phone flashes with Emily's reply of, 'Yeah, okay. Later today, 12 o'clock, Oxford Street? E x'

It leaves Naomi feeling entirely nervous, hopes that trying to take the next step forward won't lead to them taking two backwards.

-----

Emily looks up at her with a small smile when she sees Naomi approaching, and it's only a little awkward when they stand staring at each other motionless before Naomi breaks out into a nervous grin of her own that has Emily rolling her eyes.

"Shopping, then?" Emily asks quizzically. "I thought you hated spending hours being dragged round the shops, all that man-made material and animal corpses?"

Naomi smirks back at her in response. "Jesus, I'm not that bad anymore. I learnt quickly that if I wanted to dress a little less like a charity shop reject then I'd have to suffer at the hands of the high street retailers."

Emily holds her hand up to her chest and teases, "Katie would be so proud."

Naomi laughs, feeling any tension she had quickly leaving her body, and loving how they're slowly slipping back into their playful banter. "I wouldn't go that far, I'm still highly against animal print. Leopard especially."

Emily mocks a gasp and then laughs. "Katie would be offended. I take my earlier comment back."

"So," Naomi says gesturing to some of the shops. "Shall we make a start on our shopping hell?"

"You just said you liked shopping now." Emily looks at her in amusement and grins when Naomi dramatically rolls her eyes in response.

"Right," Naomi replies lightly. "I meant adventure, not hell, obviously."

Emily lets out a sigh and touches Naomi's arm. "You're useless."

Naomi tries not to draw attention to Emily's touch but it's too late, Emily looks down at her hand resting on Naomi's arm and quickly withdraws it. Naomi tries not to let her disappointment show, offers Emily a smile instead and says, "Good thing you're here to help me then."

It feels like a wave of relief is washing over her when Emily meets her eye and hesitantly replies, "Yeah, I guess it is."

-----

They're not really looking at anything in particular, just browsing for the sake of shopping- for the sake of spending some time together- when Naomi spots it a little while into their outing. She picks it up immediately, feeling nostalgic and curious all at the same time as she runs it through her fingers.

"Do you still wear these?" Naomi asks, unable to help herself as she holds the little blue bow up in front of Emily's eyes.

Emily scrunches her face up and pierces her with a sarcastic look. "Are you being serious?"

Naomi nods; glancing down at the bow and feeling herself blush. "Well, yeah, I just--"

Emily laughs, "No, I don't still wear bows, Naomi. I'm not still sixteen, y'know. A lot's changed."

"Of course," Naomi replies, feeling overwhelmingly embarrassed as she hurries to put the bow back, averting Emily's gaze the whole time.

It feels tense again then, when she rejoins Emily, as if with one stupid comment she's managed to put the barrier back between them, and Naomi has to fight hard not to sigh in frustration. They don't speak anymore as they look around the shop, and it isn't until Emily pipes up and suggests they grab some food that things start to feel a little better.

Naomi can feel Emily's eyes on her as she eats; it feels like she's scorching her skin just by looking at her. It's too much, far too much, especially when she can't really do anything to bring up the reasons behind their thick tension.

"What?" She murmurs quietly, unable to handle it anymore.

Emily just stares back at her for a long moment before saying, "I'm sorry about earlier, about the bow. It's just... I'm not the same girl I was at sixteen, Naomi. I had to grow up and change. I matured in ways that I hadn't thought possible back then. Life didn't turn out to be as simple or as magical as I thought it would be."

Naomi can't stop herself from releasing a deep sigh, because _finally_, finally they're going to stop dodging it all and start talking about it. It feels like a massive relief when she nods her head and replies, "I know. I see that."

"Do you?" Emily fires back at her with an unsure shrug. "Because we still don't really know each other, Naomi. We've missed out on so much."

Naomi feels her chest clenching, aching in response to Emily's words, but she knows it's true, they have missed out on a lot, and maybe Emily's right, maybe that's the problem, that even now, they still don't know each other as well as they should, as well as they think they do.

"You grew up, Em. But so did I." Naomi swallows hard and looks over at Emily softly. "You need to believe that I'm not still that girl who was scared and confused by everything and always ran away from you because she didn't know what she wanted. I had to learn about life too." Naomi shrugs her shoulders and smiles gently. "But you're right, maybe we don't know each other as well as we think we do."

Emily stays silent for a long moment, looking over at Naomi intently as though she's digesting her words carefully. "What do we do now then?"

Naomi offers her a bright smile. "Now, we get to know each other all other again, start fresh. Stop holding onto those expectations we have of the past us, yeah?"

Emily nods back in response, a smile forming on her own lips when she says, "Yeah, okay."

It feels like a beginning.

-----

It feels a little bit like she's meeting Emily for the first time all over again.

They keep up with their daily coffee routine, only this time they fill the silence with talk and questions, and each night Naomi feels like she's discovered something new, loves that she gets to ask all the things she always wanted to know but never dared to ask.

And it seems to be the same for Emily, whose eyes light up whenever she waits for Naomi to reply with her answer, her smile bright and eager as if she wants nothing more than to know everything about Naomi that she possibly can.

Naomi can't help but feel like it's slowly coming together, that they're leisurely gluing each other back together as they take the time to find out the things they didn't know, relearn they things they did, and savour all of the things they've missed out on.

-----

"How are things going on the Emily front?" Effy asks when Naomi gets home from work one night, passing Bricker another one of his cars.

Naomi joins them on the living room floor, ruffling Bricker's hair as she sits down. "Good, I think. We're taking it slow still, rebuilding 'us' one part at a time, y'know?"

Effy nods, flashing her a smile and rolling a car in her direction. "Have you kissed her yet?"

Naomi balks, drops the car she's holding and looks back at Effy with wide eyes. "No, we're not-- we haven't really, touched yet... at all."

"Not even held hands?"

"No," Naomi replies glumly, suddenly realising that the most contact they've shared was when they both went to pay for their coffees and their hands brushed and neither of them pulled away for a few long seconds. "I don't want to push anything too soon."

Effy stares at her pointedly. "She's been back for nearly a month, Nae, and you see her every day, surely you're making more progress than just talking, but not really taking about how much you love each other?"

Naomi sighs deeply. "She still seems a little... reluctant, sometimes, like she's still waiting for me to mess up."

The doorbell rings a second later and cuts off Effy's chance to reply, leaves Naomi thinking desperately about what she can do to try and dispel Emily's worries. Effy returns a second later with JJ in toe, and Naomi smiles as Bricker holds out a car to him and babbles out some information that flies over her head but seems to interest JJ completely.

"I don't know what to suggest," Effy says, looking over at Naomi and continuing their conversation.

JJ looks over at her then, curiosity written over his face. "Suggest about what?"

"Naomi's worried that Ems still thinks she's going to do a runner again. She hasn't said anything to you, has she, babe?" Effy asks, moving to join JJ on the couch and instantly placing her hand on his knee.

JJ looks down at it, seemingly momentarily distracted by Effy's affectionate touch before swallowing hard and blinking rapidly at Naomi. "Emily hasn't spoken badly about the situation developing between you at all. In fact, I'd say, that gauging by her reactions, she seems rather pleased with the way things are going."

Naomi lets out a breath and smiles at him. "That's good to hear. I just want us to keep moving forward, and I don't know how to do that if Emily keeps subconsciously expecting me to trip up and screw her over."

JJ scratches at his head for a second before lighting up with a pleased smile. "This is a complete and utter coincidence, but I think I may have organised something for the children this week that may be effective in helping you achieve your desire to get Emily to start building her belief in you. Bring Emily over to the school Monday night when you've both finished work, I'll leave something set up for you."

She glances over at Effy who merely shrugs in response, clearly not clued in on whatever line of thinking JJ has just gone off in, and so Naomi shrugs and nods her head, not daring to ask whatever crazy but probably entirely logical idea JJ has to fix them.

"Thanks Jay."

"Not a problem." He grins happily before lifting his arm and wrapping it around Effy's shoulders, pulling her in closer to his side and planting a chaste kiss on her lips, obviously happy with himself for being so thoughtful.

Naomi doesn't say anything else, just calls Bricker's name and rolls the car she's been holding back to him, watching in amazement as it stays perfectly on the course she set it on, and hopes that whatever JJ has planned will keep her and Emily moving steadily forward on the right path.

-----

Emily looks just as baffled as she felt originally (when JJ explained to her what his idea was) when she tells her where they're headed. "Wait a minute; let me get this straight, Jay set this... whatever it is we're supposed to be doing, up for us?"

Naomi glances at Emily and nods quickly before turning her attention back to the road, "Yeah."

"And you're still not going to tell me what it is?"

Naomi sees Emily glaring curiously at her out of the side of her eye and smirks. "No. Like I told you, it's a surprise."

She hears Emily huff a second later and hopes that she's not going to make a total idiot out of herself for even attempting JJ's mad idea- which at the time he'd filled her in with more detail, hadn't seemed like such a bad idea at all. But maybe that's just because she had none of her own, Naomi remembers as she pulls the car into the school and parks, praying that this doesn't go completely tits up.

Emily follows next to her as they enter the school, unlocking the door with the key's JJ leant Naomi and switching the lights on as they head towards the main school hall. Naomi takes a deep breath before opening the door, doesn't quite know what she's expecting to see given that the children JJ helps out with only age up to nine.

It looks surprisingly well set up, the little makeshift assault course and Naomi barely has time to register it all before Emily appears next to her and lets out a breathy laugh.

"Please tell me that you're joking and we're not actually in this school after hours to fool around on what appears to be children's climbing frames and play things."

Naomi bites at her lip nervously but can't help breaking out into a grin. "What's the problem, Em? Worried I'll be better at all of the games then you?"

Emily laughs and rolls her eyes. "What are we doing here really? Because I'm starting to get worried that you might have lost it."

"I have actually...." Naomi trails off, heading over to the chairs and retrieving the scarf. Emily's eyes widen in confusion when Naomi appears back in front of her holding it out before her. She feels her throat tightening at the next words she wants to say and just manages a skittish smile and a whispered, "Your trust, I mean. Or maybe I just never really had it, I don't know."

"Naomi..." Emily breathes sadly.

Naomi shakes her head. "No, it's fine. Well, it's not but..." She gestures her arms out at the little assault course. "I thought maybe I could have a go at building yours in me."

Emily averts her gaze then, looking down at her feet and Naomi can see the tension creeping back into Emily's body at the way she seems to stiffen with what Naomi may be suggesting. It makes Naomi desperate to prove Emily wrong, to take away that fear that Emily rightfully has of her, doesn't want her to be scared that Naomi doesn't mean what she says and does this time around.

"I'll go first," Naomi says, cutting through the silence and lifting the scarf up to her eyes, reaching behind her head to tie it at the back and forming a blindfold.

She feels Emily reach for her arm to steady her when she wobbles a bit, can hear the concern lacing Emily's voice as she holds her still. "Naomi, I don't think this is a good idea. Let's just go get coffee or something, yeah?"

Naomi shakes her head and says convincingly. "I trust you." She hears Emily release a shaky breath and smiles, hoping that it'll ease Emily's nerves. "Come on Em." She holds her hand out blindly when she adds, "All you have to do is hold my hand and guide me round, it'll be fun, okay? I know you'd never let me get hurt, so just, trust yourself and trust me for once, yeah?"

It goes quiet again and Naomi feels her hope sinking with every second longer that Emily doesn't reply, considers taking the scarf off and giving up in utter defeat, but just as the thought enters her head, she feels Emily's hands taking hold of her own and tugging her forward ever so slightly.

"You're such an annoying cow for making me do this," Emily mutters, walking her forward.

"I know, but it wouldn't be the same if I wasn't still a bit of a cunt, would it?" Naomi smirks, feeling slightly disorientated that she's being moved without being able to see a thing.

Emily laughs and tugs her slightly, muttering, 'left a bit, okay stand still there' under her breath and Naomi feels Emily's hand squeeze at her own as she asks, "Ready?"

Naomi nods encouragingly, and says "Definitely." as she lets Emily lead and instruct her blindly around all of the obstacles without a flicker of worry.

-----

"Told you it'd be fine," Naomi says, untying the blindfold and blinking a few times to adjust her vision back to the light. "Your turn now."

Emily nods sheepishly and hesitantly ties the scarf around her own eyes, instantly reaching out and holding at Naomi's arm tightly as her breathing quickens out of nowhere. It makes Naomi's heart clench, seeing Emily so worked up, so scared just to believe in her, that it makes Naomi carefully unwrap Emily's fingers from her arm and push the blindfold up Emily's head until she can connect their eyes.

Emily stares back at her with an anxious look clouding her eyes and Naomi can't think of any other way to prove herself than to repeat what she's already said. She offers Emily a gentle smile and murmurs, "Trust me, Emily. I promise you that nothing bad will happen, all right?"

She waits until Emily silently nods before lowering the blindfold back over her eyes and taking her hands in her own, slowly leading Emily forwards.

It feels like a small victory, whenever Emily squeezes tightly at her hands, or shuffles her feet reluctantly, that all Naomi has to do is brush her thumb across the back of Emily's hand and whisper, "I've got you." before Emily relaxes again and follows Naomi's command.

Emily's breathing is back to normal by the time they're finished and when Naomi pushes the blindfold down from Emily's eyes and smiles at her, she sees the look of shock, of realisation that emerges across Emily's face when she sees that Naomi's still there standing in front of her, and still gently holding on to one of her hands.

It makes Naomi's stomach flutter happily when Emily's lips curl up into a beautiful smile a second later as she glances down at their hands, still joined, still holding each other steady and for the first time, looks back at Naomi like she believes her when Naomi says, "I promised I'd look after you."

"Yeah," Emily whispers, her eyes never straying from Naomi's, "You did."

Naomi can't help but think that for an idea that she had thought was rather stupid, it had worked out rather well.

-----

"How did it go?" Effy asks as Naomi settles down onto the couch next to her, instantly putting her feet up in Effy's lap.

"Your boy did good, Eff. You need to make sure you reward him well for helping your best mate out." Naomi chuckles when Effy blushes slightly, never getting tired of seeing Effy so easily flustered and happy.

Effy's quiet for a few seconds, gently rubbing at Naomi's feet while she watches the TV, and it's only when she hears Naomi release a content sigh that she asks, "Did you make her trust you?"

Naomi blinks open her eyes sleepily, and smiles happily. "No, I did better."

"Oh?" Effy asks, her eyebrows rising.

"I think I made her believe that she _can_," Naomi replies unable to stop her lips curling up into a smile. "If she just lets herself."

Effy smiles back at her softly, and squeezes gently at her feet just once, a silent 'well done' passing between them as they both turn back to watch the television.

-----

She makes plans with Emily on the following Sunday- nothing fancy just a trip to the cinema to see the latest romantic comedy that Emily's been banging on about- but Naomi instantly fills with dread when the clock strikes, 11.a.m. and Emily still hasn't arrived to pick her up.

Her worry only intensifies as the minutes drag on, and when Naomi can't get hold of Emily on her phone, she starts feeling sick with panic, fear washing over her and making her desperately search her memory to make sure that she hasn't done something wrong.

She can't think of anything and by 12.30.p.m. Naomi's practically frantic, her phone glued to her hand as she clenches at it tightly and urges it to ring- for Emily's number to flash up on the screen and for her to offer Naomi some simple explanation like she got the days muddled up or that she over slept. She just hopes this isn't Emily's way of telling her that she's done with it all again.

The rain hammers down heavily against the window, and Naomi closes her eyes and tries to focus on the sound each drop makes as it hits the glass, tries to keep her mind occupied so that she doesn't stare achingly at her phone or the clock and go completely mad wondering where Emily could possibly be.

She hears the doorbell ring a few minutes later and rushes to the door as quickly as she can, hoping that she'll open it to reveal Emily with an apologetic smile, one that Naomi can erase quickly with one of her own and make herself easily forget that she was ever worried at all.

"Sorry I'm late," Emily says through chattering teeth, her hair clinging to her face and her clothes dripping with water. "My fucking piece of shit car broke down, and I'd left my phone at home and I couldn't find a taxi and well, I just walked here in the end, I didn't want you to think I wasn't coming."

Naomi looks at her with wide eyes, momentarily frozen to the spot before quickly pulling herself together and dragging Emily into the house. "Are you bloody crazy? What the hell were you thinking walking here in torrential rain, Em-- Jesus, you're going to get yourself sick, we have to get you out of those wet clothes."

Emily shakes her head and mutters, "Naomi, I'm fine, seriously. Let's just go to the movie, okay? I'm sure they have an afternoon showing."

"Don't be stupid, Em." Naomi frowns back at her. "Look, I'll lend you some clothes and we'll put yours straight in the wash, they'll be done in no time and we can go to the cinema tonight, yeah? There's no way I'm letting you keep those clothes on."

She immediately sees the way Emily's eyes widen, her lips quirking up in amusement that makes Naomi blush and look away from her. "Fine, you win," Emily says, nodding her head a little sheepishly.

Naomi smiles and beckons her upstairs. "Come on, I'll get you a towel to dry off with and then we'll find you some clothes to borrow."

Emily follows behind mutely, accepting the towel with a small smile before rubbing it over her face and through the ends of her hair. Naomi leads Emily into her room and tries not to think about the last time they were in it together, and avoids looking directly at Emily when she passes her an old pair of sweat-pants and a baggy jumper.

"I'll erm... leave you to get changed in here and go and make us something hot to drink," Naomi babbles nervously as Emily accepts the clothes and gingerly places them down on the end of Naomi's bed.

Emily swallows loudly and tries not to meet Naomi's gaze. "Thanks, I will-- I'll bring my stuff down when I'm changed."

"Sure, no problem." Naomi flashes Emily a quick smile before awkwardly back stepping out of the room and closing the door behind herself, sinking back against it and releasing a deep breath that she didn't realise she was holding.

-----

Naomi's adding the milk into their cups of tea when Emily remerges, and Naomi can't help but notice how Emily looks entirely too tiny and delicate dressed in her baggy clothes as she cautiously holds out her pile of wet ones for Naomi to take. She feels her cheeks flushing as she puts Emily's clothes into the washing machine, trying unsuccessfully to ignore Emily's lacy black underwear as she fumbles with the buttons and puts it on.

Emily's still chattering her teeth together when Naomi straightens back up and she can see cold chill that runs through her body and leaves Emily shivering. It makes her reach out unthinkingly and rub her hands up and down Emily's arms, as if trying to pass some of her own heat over to Emily just to help warm her. Naomi hears Emily's surprised intake of breath and suddenly realises what she's doing, stills her hands slowly and meets Emily's eyes skittishly.

"Sorry..." Naomi breathes, feeling as though she's just overstepped the mark without meaning too, and when Emily doesn't react straight away, just stares back at Naomi in shock- in something that Naomi can't decipher, Naomi feels her chest tightening as the air around them thickens out of nowhere.

When she starts to withdraw her hands Emily gently shakes her head and murmurs, "No, don't."

It almost feels like it's happening in slow motion then, when Naomi nods her head back in response and holds her breath as Emily tentatively moves into her arms and presses their bodies together; her arms winding round and hugging Naomi to her.

Naomi feels Emily release a sigh against her and instantly slides her arms further around Emily's body, burying her nose into the crook of Emily's shoulder and closing her eyes as she breathes her in, taking a moment just to enjoy the feeling of holding Emily closely against her.

It still surprises Naomi every time, how right it seems to have Emily in her arms, how they seem to fit against each other perfectly, and it makes her instinctively tighten her hold a little, afraid that if she doesn't Emily will slip away from her.

They stay like that for what feels like forever but can surely only be a few minutes, and Emily's the first to pull back slightly, her cheeks a little pink and her smile tentative but present when she whispers, "Thanks."

It makes Naomi's breath catch, at just how beautiful Emily really is, even when her make-up's run and her hair is damp and curling and she can't help herself from staring, from letting herself just take the moment in, relishing in the slight vulnerability in Emily's eyes and the comfort in her touch.

"I've missed you," Naomi murmurs back with without thinking, and immediately feels flushed and worried that she's said too much too soon.

But Emily just smiles at her again, a little fuller this time, softer, and runs her hand down Naomi's arm, curling her fingers around Naomi's hand and giving it a gentle squeeze that speaks all the words she's not quite ready to say aloud yet.

Naomi doesn't mind that she doesn't say anything in response, just takes hope and comfort from Emily's touch and feels thankful that she finally got to hold her again, even if it was only for a little while.

-----

Things get a little easier then, the overwhelming tension between them shifting ever so slightly and allowing them both to relax more, fleeting touches no longer seeming to trouble them and lingering embraces quickly become part of their daily routine.

Each gentle and tentative caress offered meaning much more than any passionate and hasty moment they might share could, especially when Naomi knows that they both feel every single part of what's happening between them so much more as they take the time to savour it all unhurriedly.

-----

She invites Emily over for dinner, wants to cook for her to try and make their evening seem more like a date rather than just another one of their get-togethers. Naomi doesn't call it a date when she mentions it to Emily, but knows just by the way Emily stared back at her a little hesitantly before agreeing, that she picked up on the subtle way in which Naomi pitched it too her.

Effy helps her prepare the food because as much as Naomi might all be about trying lately, she's still 'a useless tit' in the kitchen who's more likely to burn something than to cook it to perfection. Effy suggests something simple, and they settle for some kind of Spanish pasta dish that Naomi's never heard of but that Effy insists is delicious.

Naomi tells her to bugger off shortly after the food's started cooking, doesn't want Effy around to tease her while she turns into some nervous little school girl who's never been on a date before, and so with a quick peck to Naomi's cheek, Effy gather's Bricker up and heads over to JJ's, leaving Naomi alone to anxiously get ready.

Emily arrives shortly after, dressed beautifully in a long gray skirt and blouse that leaves Naomi feeling more than a little breathless and heated when she sees the way it leaves a hefty amount of Emily's cleavage on display.

"So..." Emily says nervously, drawing Naomi's eyes swiftly back up to her face. "Thanks for inviting me over, it smells great, whatever it is that you're cooking."

Naomi licks at her lips and nods her head, trying to get her thoughts back on track. "It's some kind of pasta dish." Emily quirks an eyebrow and smirks when Naomi doesn't continue her explanation. "Effy helped me," Naomi admits sheepishly as they enter the kitchen. "She's a far better cook than I'll ever be, so I can assure you that you won't be leaving here with food poisoning."

Emily chuckles. "You should have said if you didn't want to cook, we could have gone out."

"No, I wanted to cook for you." Naomi murmurs, feeling herself blush as Emily smiles at her shyly.

"Well, thanks. I appreciate it." Emily shifts uncomfortably on her feet and glances away from Naomi, the awkward tension shifting back in between them.

"Wine," Naomi blurts, feeling embarrassed when Emily looks back up at her with amusement clouding her eyes. "I mean, do you want a drink?"

Emily smiles brightly. "That'd be great thanks."

Naomi can't stop her hand from shaking as she attempts to pour the wine into the glasses, feels the nervous fluttering in her stomach spreading throughout her whole body when Emily's hand covers her own a second later.

"Relax, Nae," Emily whispers, steadying Naomi's hand and looking up at her with a soft smile.

Naomi releases a shaky breath. "Sorry..."

Emily carefully removes Naomi's hand from the bottle and says, "Why don't you check on the food, I'll pour the wine, yeah?"

"Yeah, good idea," Naomi says slowly shifting her attention away from Emily as she sets about checking and serving up the pasta.

Naomi makes a mental note to thank Effy when Emily takes her first bite and lets out an appreciative sound and then has to try hard for the rest of the meal not to think of similar noises that Emily makes that sound equally good if not better; has to remind herself that this is not where their evening together is headed.

-----

Their night together passes quickly, neither of them noticing the time as they sit together drinking and talking in the living room, simply enjoying each other's company and relaxing by degrees as the alcohol starts to work its way into their systems.

It's only when they've somehow managed to shift close enough together that their thighs are pressing together and brushing ever so slightly whenever they laugh that Emily seems to sober a little, cautiously moving away from Naomi and glancing over at the clock.

"I should go," Emily murmurs as she takes in the time. "It's late."

Naomi does it without thinking, reaches out and places her hand on Emily's knee and says, "Stay."

Emily looks so taken back by her suggestion that Naomi glances away quickly, feeling awfully embarrassed for the hundredth time in one evening. She hears Emily's voice a second later, quiet and with a hint of warning. "Naomi..."

Naomi looks back at Emily then and sees the fear darkening her eyes and finds herself laughing nervously in response, wanting to dispel Emily's worries. "I didn't mean it like that Em... just stay and sleep for the sake of sleeping." She sees the hesitancy that spreads across Emily's face and adds, "Plus, we've been drinking, I can't really let you drive home, can I?"

Emily bites at her lip, obviously conflicted by the mere suggestion and the implications it might cause, shrugs her shoulders when she says, "I don't know if it's a good idea, Nae."

Naomi smiles back at her and teases, "Come on Em, I promise not to grope you in the night."

"Fine," Emily replies rolling her eyes as her lips twitch up into a smile. "But you better keep on your half of the bed, you're a right hogger."

"I am not!" Naomi gasps in offence, feeling her defence slipping when Emily pins her with a challenging stare.

Emily laughs when Naomi cracks and smiles. "See, you are too, and you know it. You always used to fall asleep on your side and then slowly shift across until you were dead in the middle, all spread out and stealing all of the covers while I clung to the tiny bit of room that I managed to save from you."

Naomi finds herself smiling softly as Emily recalls the memory and tentatively brushes her thumb across Emily's knee. "Well, I promise I won't this time, yeah? We can even make a little pillow barrier if you'd like."

She feels Emily shudder slightly at her caress and has to fight the urge to lean over and kiss her when Emily whispers, "That won't be necessary. I believe you."

-----

They get changed in separate rooms, Emily borrowing one of Naomi's old large oversized t-shirts to sleep in and once they're both ready and back in Naomi's room, they stare at each other a little hesitantly from opposite sides of the bed.

Naomi sees the shift in Emily's body language, watches as her shoulders slowly hunch up with tension and gestures quickly at her bed before Emily can change her mind. "You okay on that side, yeah?"

Emily swallows audibly and nods her head just the once, her voice coming out quiet when she replies, "Yeah, I always sleep on this side so it's fine."

"Thought so," Naomi says with a small smile, ignoring the way that Emily's breath catches at the way Naomi's obviously remembered from all that time ago.

Naomi gets in first, pulling down the duvet and slipping into the bed with ease before tilting her head to stare at Emily who falters for a split second before crawling in next to her. The tension seeps in the moment that Naomi turns the light off, feels herself stiffening and laying motionless as Emily twists and turns next to her, obviously trying to get comfortable.

"Thanks for coming over tonight, Ems. It's been really lovely," Naomi murmurs quietly into the darkness.

She feels the mattress dip as Emily turns again and feels herself smiling when Emily gently whispers back, "Me too, Nae. Night."

Naomi turns her head to try and make Emily out but can't, lets out a content sigh instead as she turns on her side to face in Emily's direction. "Night Em, sleep well."

-----

She wakes slowly, her eyes blinking open and adjusting to the light tentatively, and it's only when she feels a warm breath puffing out against her neck that Naomi remembers that she didn't fall asleep alone.

It takes her a moment longer to register Emily's arm draped over her stomach, their legs carelessly entwined and Naomi can't stop herself from tilting her head ever so slightly to get a better look at Emily's face.

Naomi feels her lips curling up into a small smile as she watches Emily sleep peacefully, her eyelashes fluttering softly and her lips parted ever so slightly in a way that forces Naomi's heart clench achingly in a way that makes Naomi desperate to touch.

She's careful then, as she daringly brushes her fingertips across Emily's cheek, tracing the outline of her jaw before continuing on down the curve of her neck; the skin warm and smooth beneath her touch.

Emily stirs a moment later, letting out a content purr as Naomi's fingers lightly trail along her collarbone and Naomi scolds herself when brown eyes blink open and register her and what she's doing.

Naomi stills her caress and watches as Emily's gaze falls to the arm she has draped over Naomi's waist, sees the shock that glimmers in her eyes as she realises that they're no longer safely separated by space but instead cuddled comfortably together; their bodies connected in nearly every place possible.

Emily's eyes find her again and Naomi feels her stiffen as she goes to pull her arm back, clearly horrified that her control and guard has slipped while she's been asleep. Naomi knows it's daring, probably a little bit foolish, but she can't help but want to stay in the moment for as long as possible, and so moves her hand to cover Emily's arm and keeps her in place.

"Don't," Naomi whispers, holding Emily's eyes and silently pleading with her. "It's okay... stay, just for a few minutes more."

Emily closes her eyes and lets out a shuddering breath in response and when Naomi feels Emily relax against her again and reopen her eyes, she runs her hand along Emily's arm, wrapping it around her and pulls her in just a little bit closer, feeling content when Emily sighs against her and squeezes at her hip.

-----

It's almost 10.a.m. by the time they finally and a little reluctantly break apart and head downstairs in search of some food- Naomi's stomach rumbling loudly and making them both giggle as it alerts them of its need for breakfast.

Effy, JJ and Bricker are already seated around the table and eating toast when they get to the kitchen and Naomi's silently thankful when the surprised look on Effy's face disappears just as quickly as it emerged.

"Morning guys," Effy says casually, offering them both a smile as she reaches over and squeezes JJ's hand, obviously distracting him and cutting him off from whatever shocked ramble he was clearly about to go off on.

"Morning." Naomi moves further into the kitchen and avoids meeting JJ's eye as she settles down at the table and pulls a stupid face at Bricker.

It's only when Bricker doesn't respond to her greeting, that she follows his gaze and turns back to the doorway to see Emily lingering awkwardly, her brow furrowed as she bites at her bottom lip. Naomi feels her stomach flop at the sight of Emily so nervous and conflicted around the people they've known for longer than she can remember and extends her hand out in Emily's direction with an encouraging smile.

Emily looks back and forth between Naomi and Effy and JJ and eventually takes the few short steps between her and everybody and squeezes Naomi's hand before settling into the seat next to her.

"You two look rather well rested," JJ says, pouring them both cups of coffee. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah... really well, thanks," Emily murmurs back, flashing Naomi a soft smile before taking the coffee JJ passes and sipping at it.

It seems natural then, how quickly the air of awkwardness evaporates around them as they all settle into easy conversation, and as Naomi watches Emily laugh with Effy, while Bricker tugs at JJ's sleeve and passes him a car, Naomi can't help but think this is exactly how her family should look.

-----

Katie calls her unexpectedly sometime during the start of November.

"How's things muffmuncher?"

Naomi rolls her eyes and laughs because even if Katie's grown up a part of her will always be Katie 'I've never not had a boyfriend' Fitch and it's that part that used to infuriate Naomi so much that now makes her smile in amusement the most.

"Katiekins, what a lovely surprise," Naomi drawls in that slow way she knows grates on Katie's nerves, and pulls a cigarette from her packet, resting it between her lips before adding. "I'm doing pretty well thanks. Now, what'd you want because you're clearly not ringing me for a chit-chat."

She hears Katie gasp in mock defence and mutter, "Bitch." which only serves to make Naomi laugh again before she clicks her lighter and takes a puff of her cigarette. "I don't know why I bother with you, you massive cunt." Katie adds playfully. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm coming up to see Ems this weekend and I'm, like, going to suggest that we all get together for a drink or something. Surprise her with our new BFF bond, yeah?"

"Does she know that you came and met me that day in Bristol?" Naomi asks growing serious.

"Nah, I didn't want to get her any more wound up than she already was, and well, I'm not sure she would have believed me if I'd said I'd been nice to you."

"So, what, she just thinks I buggered off back to London on my own?"

Katie chuckles wickedly. "Babes, she doesn't think you're that bloody clever." Naomi scoffs. "I told her I'd sent you back on your merry way when you came to my house that time, all right?"

"Yeah, fine. Well, I suppose none of that matters now anyway. Things have been going good for us, so..."

"Ems said when she rang me," Katie replies pleasantly. "Look, I've got to go, but we'll catch up properly when we go out, yeah?"

"Yeah, sure. See you soon, Katiekins."

"Later bitch."

It's only when Naomi hangs up the phone that she realises for the first time ever in her life, she's actually looking forward to seeing Katie Fitch in person.

-----

Emily looks completely baffled the moment Naomi meets them at the restaurant and greets both her and Katie with a brief hug, and she has to bite hard at her lip to keep from laughing when she sees Katie smirk in a mixture of amusement and smugness.

The look of utter confusion cover Emily's face only intensifies throughout the meal when she and Katie pass friendly and ridiculously playful banter back and forth between them instead of their usual disgusted and loathing bouts of mutual hatred.

"Okay, that's it," Emily says as they exit the restaurant, cutting through whatever it that Naomi and Katie are laughing about. "When the hell did this happen?"

They both stare back at her trying very hard not to smile. "When did what happen Em?" Naomi asks, chancing a quick glance at Katie who immediately joins in with her own, "Yeah, Ems, what the fuck are you talking about?"

Their answers only act to fuel Emily further and she gestures wildly at them, her eyes wide and disbelieving. "This." She mutters exasperatedly. "This odd little nicety thing that you two have going on."

Katie smirks and cocks an eyebrow as she links her arm through Naomi's. "Fuck's sake, Ems. All those years you kept banging on about us being chums and now that we're playing nicely you get your pants all in a twist. Make your bloody mind up."

Naomi watches Emily's mouth drop open a little and can't contain her laugher any longer. "Sorry Em," she says when she sees Emil glaring at them. "Katiekins and I made nice in Bristol after you'd told me to bugger off."

"Yeah," Katie adds with a smile. "And now we're like, totally best buds aren't we babes?" Naomi laughs again and nods her head.

Emily rolls her eyes and smiles back at them. "You're both complete cunts. I was worried you were doing that fake, overly civilised thing that you used to do when Naomi had to come for dinner at ours with mum and dad."

"Nope. It's all real this time," Naomi says smiling happily. "We're far too wise and mature to be that dickish anytime soon."

Katie huffs out a chuckle. "Whatever babes, you're still pretty dickish."

"Yeah, well, you're still a bitch so we're even." Naomi retorts with a smirk.

"Right, that's it," Emily cuts in as Katie opens her mouth again. "This night has been surprisingly nice and I don't need you two spoiling it now with one of your insult wars."

"Fine," Katie mutters in a playfully dejected tone before turning her attention towards Naomi. "It's been a pleasure as always."

"Yeah, it's been swell, Katiekins," Naomi replies, letting Katie pull her into a quick hug and laughing when Katie mutters, 'cow' into her ear before letting her go.

Emily looks over at her a little awkwardly then and says, "Right, well, thanks for a good night. I guess I'll see you Monday morning."

"Yeah," Naomi replies tensely. "Monday."

Emily doesn't make an attempt to move, just stares at her for a few long seconds before closing the gap between them and pressing a kiss to Naomi's cheek. Naomi smiles shyly when Emily pulls back and tries not to mumble something idiotic when she sees the cute, embarrassed blush that quickly appears on Emily's cheeks.

They don't say anything, just stare at each other until they both break out into happy grins and Naomi waves goofily as Emily heads over to Katie and links their arms together as they start to walk away.

As Naomi watches them disappear into the distance, she can't quite believe just how much easier things were with the three of them getting along, knows it's already going to make a difference in the long run and goes home with a happy smile plastered across her face.

-----

December comes in the blink of an eye.

And Naomi feels almost stupidly upset when Emily tells her that she's going back to Bristol for a few days to spend Christmas with her parents and Katie and ends up holding her in a hug for far longer than she should when Emily comes over to the house to say goodbye, pressing a lingering kiss to Naomi's cheek before turning around and leaving without looking back.

Naomi only sees the wet splodge on her shirt when Effy points it out as she joins her back in the kitchen to bake cakes with her and Bricker, and feels herself grinning like an idiot when she realises she's not the only one already missing someone and wishing they could spend Christmas together.

-----

As it turns out, Effy's mum surprises them with an invite home to Bristol for Christmas, and when she tells Effy that Tony will be home and that she's always welcome to bring JJ, and her (non-gay lover) Naomi too, Effy practically lights up with joy and begs Naomi to come until she agrees.

They invite her mum and Kieran too, and Naomi almost feels tense and irritated just by the mere thought of being trapped in a room with everyone and being made to be jolly and cheerful when all she wants to do is mope about how she already, pathetically misses Emily. But then Bricker bounces onto her lap during the train journey home and excitedly points out a guy dressed as Santa, dispelling all of her dread in an instant; knows that Christmas day is always worth it as long as she gets to see his little face light up in shock and amazement.

-----

Christmas day isn't half as bad as she expected it to be.

Anthea's matured surprisingly during the short time that she's managed to stay sober, and nothing makes Naomi smile more than seeing Effy so utterly happy with her family.

Her mum and Kieran are easily pleased and she feels instantly grateful to Tony who manages to keep everyone entertained with his natural charm and ease without bringing alcohol into the mix.

And then there's JJ, who turns up just after lunch after having spent the morning with his mum, and surprises Bricker with a _Scaletrix_ set and Effy with a beautiful necklace and Naomi can't help but think that it's all rather lovely, even when Kieran manages to accidentally spill coffee all over the floor.

They might be a slightly dysfunctional lot, but they're hers and Naomi finds herself rolling her eyes and joining in with them all just because she can.

-----

It only occurs to her mid-afternoon that Emily's house is only a fifteen minute walk from Effy's and if she wanted to, she could easily sneak away for a couple of hours to see her.

She sends Emily a quick text and tries not to get her hopes up, knows there's a chance that Emily will be stuck in some kind of festive Fitch scenario and may not be able to make a getaway, but within seconds Emily texts her back and Naomi's unable to contain her smile as she snatches up her coat and slips out of the house unnoticed.

-----

Emily meets her at the end of the road from her house on the corner just like she used to when Naomi would manage to coax her to sneak out from under her parents' watchful eyes for a quick and sneaky make-out session. And Naomi can tell just by the way Emily smiles cheeky and rolls her eyes that she's remembering something along the same lines as she is.

"Hey," Naomi says when she gets closer, ignoring the cold wind and slight snowfall. "Merry Christmas."

Emily smiles back at her and pulls her into a hug, says, "Merry Christmas, Nae."

Naomi glances past Emily's shoulder in the direction of the Fitch house and asks, "How are you? The Fitch clan driving you insane yet?"

Emily chuckles and tugs at Naomi's arm getting her to start walking along beside her. "Just a little. Luckily we've all gotten too old for the games now and mum and dad back off when we tell then we've out grown playing 'pin the tail in the reindeer'. What about your mum and Kieran, driving you up the wall?"

Naomi scoffs and follows it up with a smirk. "Not only have I got mum and Kieran to deal with, I now have my adored extended family of Effy and her mad bunch. Oh, and Jay, but he looks a little overwhelmed by it all, has stayed pretty quiet so far."

Emily smiles softly. "Him and Effy worked out surprisingly well, huh?"

"Yeah," Naomi nods. "I never would have pictured them together when we were at college but now they just--"

"Work?" Emily cuts in, glancing sideways at Naomi.

Naomi lets out an amused sigh and smiles. "Who would have thought that a few years and a bit of growing up would have had such an effect on two people?"

"I don't know," Emily says, smiling softly over at Naomi as she slides their hands together and entwines their fingers. "Seems like that's an occurring theme around here, right?"

Naomi glances down at their hands and finds that she has to swallow hard against the emotional lump in her throat before she can look back at Emily and happily murmur, "Yeah, it does."

Emily doesn't say anything else, just squeezes Naomi's hand a little tighter and lets them enjoy the moment of just walking silently together.

-----

The first thing Naomi notices when they stop to look out over Bristol harbour, is how red Emily's cute little button nose has gotten in the cold.

It makes her giggle and smile uncontrollably when Emily sniffs for, like, the twentieth time in five minutes and she turns to Naomi with a bemused smile and wide eyes. "What?" Naomi shakes her head and bites at her bottom lip until Emily prods at her and repeats herself.

She unties her scarf then, instead of replying and carefully loops it around Emily's neck, tying it perfectly and tucking the ends into Emily's coat before grinning back at her and tapping Emily's nose with her index finger. "You looked a little cold, Rudolph."

Emily scoffs at Naomi's teasing and swats at Naomi's hand which only makes Naomi break out into a laugh. It doesn't last long because within seconds Emily's grabbed her by the collar of her coat and is tugging her forward and into a kiss.

It's tentative and slow and delicate and just enough to make Naomi feel like she's melting into her as they pull apart reluctantly.

Naomi releases a shaky breath against Emily's lips and finds herself at a loss for words, doesn't know what to say when kissing Emily like that has been all that Naomi's wanted since the moment their lives collided again.

She smiles shyly instead and watches as Emily smiles tenderly back at her, and decides that she doesn't need to say anything at all, Emily already knows, she feels it too.

-----

They kiss once more when they get back to the Fitch house and Naomi has to stop herself from rolling her eyes and laughing when she hears an, "Emily, is that you darling? We've all been waiting for you before we--"

And it wouldn't quite be the perfect moment without Jenna Fitch intruding, staring over at them- at Naomi with a look of shock and general confusion.

Emily runs her hand down Naomi's arm and links their hands together while simultaneously turning towards her mum and saying, "Sorry mum, Naomi and I went for a walk and lost track of time."

Naomi waits then, as Jenna's gaze falls down to their entwined hands, for the burst of disgust and rage that normally spews out of her mouth whenever she catches sight of Naomi with her daughter or just Naomi anywhere, but it doesn't come.

Instead, Jenna smiles politely, albeit a little awkwardly and beckons them over. "Why don't you invite Naomi in for a drink, Emily? It's rude to leave your guests standing out in the cold."

"Sure mum, that'll be nice, thanks," Emily replies with a smile before turning back to Naomi with amusement clouding her eyes when she sees the shock evident on Naomi's face.

"What the hell happened to your mum?" Naomi whispers as Emily tugs her towards the house. "She's almost, like, human now or something. It's weird."

Emily just shakes her head and laughs as she pulls her inside. "Shut up, Naomi."

-----

It feels a little bit like she's suffering an outer-body experience.

Naomi doesn't quite know what to make of it all as Jenna makes polite conversation with her and Emily while Rob clumsily shoves a can of larger into her hand and pats her roughly on the back even as James and Katie continue to pull amused faces at her from the couch.

It still feels a little bit weird, takes until Emily sits down next to her and places her hand comfortingly on her knee for Naomi to relax and actually start to enjoy herself.

It's nice, but it's a weird nice that Naomi isn't quite sure what to do with yet, even when Emily laughs at her again for what feels like the tenth time and kisses her goodbye at the door two hours later with a "welcome to the family" that has Naomi smiling all the way back to Effy's.

-----

They're all back in London for New Year's and when Effy manages to convince Tony to come back to London with them and babysit Bricker on New Year's eve, she organises a little get-together for the four of them - her, JJ, Naomi and Emily - and somehow convinces them all to spend a night out on the town, drinking and celebrating as the old year passes and the new one arrives.

Effy gets annoyed with how reluctant they all seem to begin with and with a few well placed drink orders and some dancing, they've all loosened up by the time midnight starts to come around.

Naomi comes back in from having a smoke just in time to catch sight of Effy and JJ dancing together slowly in the middle of a crowd, all smiles and kisses, and manages to find Emily again a couple of minutes before the countdown starts.

Emily pulls her in close, looping her arms behind Naomi's neck and smiles at her brightly as Naomi wraps her arms around her and lets them sway to the music together. And it's only when the countdown begins and Emily tugs at the back of her neck, drawing her down for a deep, slow kiss and whispers, "To never looking back but always forwards" against her lips, that Naomi feels her heart bursting with an overwhelming sense of love and believes that this will be the year when everything in her life properly begins.

-----

She wakes naked and twisted beneath cool sheets with a warm body pressed tightly up against her side and feels her lips quirking up into a soft smile as she trails her eyes over Emily's face and lets herself reach out and run her fingertips over the soft skin of Emily's arm and shoulder.

Emily stirs beneath her touch and blinks her eyes open with a sleepy smile, letting out a content sigh as Naomi traces her fingers down Emily's bare back where the sheet has slipped away and left her exposed to Naomi's gaze and touch.

Naomi's aware of Emily watching her, can feel her looking, as she keeps her own eyes glued intently to the way that Emily's skin seems to melt and mould around her fingertips with each passing stroke that she makes.

And it's only because it all seems too much, too unreal that Emily's still there with her and letting her touch without moving away, without flinching, that Naomi finds herself saying it just because she can.

Breathes it out honest and true, "I love you..."

Emily closes her eyes at the words, at finally hearing it at a time when she can, when it isn't wrong for either of them, and Naomi uses the opportunity to trail her hand up to Emily's face and cup her cheek, brushing the pad of her thumb gently across Emily's skin.

Naomi watches as Emily's eyes re-open, nuzzling her face into Naomi's hand and looks back at Naomi lovingly, her emotions raw and open and there for Naomi to see in her eyes when she murmurs back, "I love you too."

"I know," Naomi says, smiling when Emily turns her head and kisses her palm. "I've always known."

Emily smiles back at her beautifully and shifts enough to close the tiny bit of distance still left between them as she pulls their hands away from her face to rest nestled between their hearts and takes her time to kiss Naomi languidly, tenderly- enough to leave them both trembling and breathless.

Naomi knows that neither of them are faultless and that what they have may not be the perfect fairytale version of love that Emily had hoped for, but it's _theirs_, and when Emily breaks away to look at her, to really look at her openly and adoringly, Naomi knows she'll spend the rest of her life holding onto it.


End file.
